


i am who you used to love (and you are just a memory)

by justpalsbeingals



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Amnesia, Car Accidents, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/F, Light Angst, The Vow AU, but like mild, very mild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:07:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 81,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25156729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justpalsbeingals/pseuds/justpalsbeingals
Summary: “Babe?”The nurse and Sara exchanged a look, fear passing over Sara’s face. She tried to swallow it down before answering. “Yeah, Ava, I’m your wife.”orA car accident erases the past six years of Ava's memories, including her memories of Sara (The Vow AU that no one asked for but I'm writing anyways)
Relationships: Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 524
Kudos: 909





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> alright y'all, time to strap the fuck in because this is probably going to get out of hand, but i am inspired to write like i haven't been since i was like 14! 
> 
> some stolen plot from the vow, but I promise it isn't a complete* copy-paste of the story, I do have some creativity working its way out
> 
> anyways im pumped af about this so fingers crossed it works for y'all too

Atlanta’s most popular gelato shop was overflowing with people, even on a Monday night. Kids pressed their fingers against the glass of the case to look at flavors as parents shouted requests at the poor teenagers behind the counter. Among the crowd were Ava and Sara, waiting patiently for their turn to order. They stood close together, Sara’s arm looped through the crook of Ava’s elbow. 

Finally, a worker turned to the couple to ask for their orders.

“Can I get a small cup of violet?” 

Sara wrinkled her nose at Ava’s request, as if it were unexpected. The taller woman rolled her eyes. 

“I get this every time we’re here.” 

“And it’s still gross every time,” Sara shot back playfully, before returning her attention to the employee. “I’ll have a large with sea salt caramel and mocha.”

As they waited for their food, the duo continued to banter.

“You’re going to make yourself sick with that much gelato.” Ava shot a knowing look to Sara to remind her of their last date night where Sara complained of a stomach ache after a dessert that proved to be too decadent. 

“Don’t pretend you’re not going to steal half of the mocha.” 

Ava couldn’t really argue with that. Facts were facts. They gathered their cups and settled themselves at one of the outdoor benches. Sara curled her legs up and leaned her weight into her wife as they both started in on their food. 

Sara swiped her spoon across Ava’s. As soon as the frozen dessert hit Sara's tongue, she grimaced in an all too dramatic show of her distaste.

“I really don’t understand why you insist on trying some every time. You know you don’t like the violet.” 

“My taste buds could have changed since the last time,” Sara said simply. 

Ava dipped her spoon into the mocha half of Sara’s, prompting a grin from her partner. Sara shook her head and smiled, but let Ava steal as much as she wanted. Anything of Sara’s was Ava’s, always.

A sudden breeze blew Sara’s hair into the corner of the cup. Sticky cream clung onto the ends of her hair as Ava laughed at the situation, before grabbing a napkin and starting to dab at the streaks. Sara let out some half-hearted complaint - she had appearances to keep up after all - but as Ava ran her fingers through her hair to clean up the mess, Sara really just wanted to smile. Warmth filled her as Sara watched the look of concentration on Ava’s face.

“I love you so much.” 

Ava’s eyes flicked to her partner’s. “You’re just saying that cause there’s gelato in your hair and I’m the one fixing it.” Ava wore a wide grin as she spoke. 

Sara shook her head, ever the contrarian. “Nope. I just love you. I really won in the wife department.” 

Ava pulled her fingers out of her hair, the dessert finally cleaned out. She bumped her shoulder into Sara’s before giving a quick peck on the lips, standing up from the bench, and extending a hand to Sara. 

“I love you too. Let’s get home before a bigger disaster happens.” 

They settled into the car, Sara in the driver’s seat, and proceeded towards their house. Pleasant conversation filled the air for the short trip. 

And then everything changed at once. The car in front of them slammed on its brakes without warning. They swerved to the right in an attempt to avoid rear-ending them, only to notice debris - no, wait, was that another car - in the road in front of them. Sara was ramming her foot downward on the brake pedal when the impact came from behind. 

They say everything happens in slow motion in a moment like this, but for Sara it was all at once. Her vision was a film reel running on fast forward. She was flying into the steering wheel, then snapping back against the seat. Her chest was screaming, a pain shooting up her right leg into her lower back. She had shot out her right hand without thinking, some instinct to protect Ava, but when she looked to the right it didn’t seem to matter. Ava was hurling forward, headfirst. 

And then there was black. 

Sara’s eyes flickered open to be met with bright fluorescents. 

“Welcome back,” a pleasant voice spoke to her right. Sara jolted upright, only to be stopped by a hand against her shoulder. “Take it easy.” 

Sara's heart was pounding in her chest, the memories of the accident at the forefront of her mind. The image of Ava in a headfirst path to the windshield was burned into her retina. 

“Ava?” She looked to the nurse at her bedside. “Where’s my wife? Is she--” Sara’s voice choked up with fear. 

“Your wife is in the Neuro ICU. She’s sustained some injuries, but is currently stable.”

Stable. Okay stable. _But then why is she in the ICU_? Sara was about to open her mouth with more questions when she noticed the pain across her collarbone. She looked down to see her arm in a sling. 

The nurse jutted her chin towards her chest. “Seat belt saved your life, but it broke your clavicle. We set it, but you’ll be in a sling for about six weeks. Other than that, you’re relatively unscathed. Count yourself lucky.” 

“I need to see my wife.” She looked up, wide-eyed, at the nurse, trying to wear a look of defiance, but knew it wasn’t coming across in her injured state. As an afterthought, Sara added, “Please.” 

An orderly took her via wheelchair up the two floors to Ava’s room. A steady beep played in the background, monitoring her heart rate. As she was wheeled to the side of the bed, tears filled Sara's eyes. This was bad, this was really bad. Stitches lined Ava’s forehead and the top of her scalp. Wounds on her face were held together with butterfly bandages, and her eyes were closed, completely unresponsive. 

Soon, a medical team entered to tell Sara about Ava’s condition. Words like traumatic hemorrhage and swelling and medically-induced coma swirled around Sara’s brain. The more they spoke, the more overwhelmed she felt. Sara's chest was closing in on her and she couldn't breathe and Ava wasn’t there to talk her down. As the thoughts overwhelmed her, one eclipsed the rest. Sara was the one driving. She could’ve prevented this.

“She’s going to wake up, right?” Sara was vaguely aware she cut off the doctor mid-spiel, but didn't have the energy to care. 

A man in dark blue scrubs nodded his head. “We’ll be repeating scans frequently. When the swelling has gone down, we’ll terminate the suppressors keeping her in the coma. It’s probably going to be a few weeks before we feel comfortable doing so.” 

A few weeks. A few weeks was better than a lifetime. Sara could do a few weeks without Ava. Her wife would be fine and healed. 

It turned out a few weeks meant six. Six weeks of sleeping curled up in the chair at Ava’s bedside before some poor resident took pity on Sara and brought in an equally uncomfortable travel cot. Six weeks of worry and stress and apologizing to her comatose wife for putting her in this position. Six weeks of friends dropping by to remind Sara she needed to eat, maybe return home once in a while to shower. Sara put her life on standstill. Nothing mattered until Ava was alright.

The day came to pull Ava back to consciousness. Sara paced the hallway so many times she was afraid she’d leave an indent on the floor. Finally, Ava started to stir.

The confusion at her situation was obvious, Ava’s eyes opening wide to take in the clinical surroundings. They settled on Sara’s face for a second before jolting around. 

The nurse who had been tending Ava’s bedside for several weeks was the first to speak. “Ava, you’re in the hospital. You were in a car accident, and you bumped your head. You’re alright now, but we had to keep you asleep for a little bit so you could heal.” 

Sara stood at the foot of the bed, watching intently as the recognition of the situation seemed to pass Ava’s face. 

“I’m here. We’re both okay, babe.” Sara reached out a hand to stroke Ava’s leg, stopping abruptly when her wife’s eyebrows furrowed. 

“Babe?” 

The nurse and Sara exchanged a look, fear passing over Sara’s face. She tried to swallow it down before answering. “Yeah, Ava, I’m your wife.” She lifted her left hand to show off the band on her ring finger. 

Ava directed her attention to her own shaking hand and took in the matching ring she donned. 

“I, um..” Ava looked around, her mouth half open as her chin started to tremble. 

The nurse took over. “Let’s just take some deep breaths, Ava. Waking up here can be really disorienting. We’ll have the neurologist come and do an evaluation.” 

Sara took the direction as much as Ava, attempting to calm herself with some slow exhales. Four counts in, four counts out. Sara moved from the foot of the bed to the chair, bringing her feet up onto the cushion so she was as small as possible. She tried to will away her panic. Ava was just overwhelmed. She needed some time to recover. She knew who she was. 

The neurologist’s arrival didn’t help to dissuade the fear. After a physical examination that he declared “optimal”, he started an interview portion.

“What day is it today, Ava?” 

“I honestly have no semblance of an idea.” 

The doctor jotted something down. “That’s not unexpected. We’ve had you in a medically induced coma for several weeks while your brain recovered. Who is the president of the United States?”

Sara rolled her eyes at the question. That would definitely elicit a response from Ava.

“Obama. Second term, thank god,” Ava exhaled, happy to know the answer to a question. When she saw Sara visibly flinch, she backtracked, “Not Obama? How is that possible? You said several weeks.” 

“These are just some routine questions, no need to worry.” 

Sara spoke up. “What, you’re not going to tell her the right answer?” 

The daggers the doctor shot her shut her up, despite how combative Sara felt. She didn’t need to be pissing off the medical staff treating her wife.

They continued with the interview questions.

“Full name?”

“Ava Louise Sharpe.”

“Date of birth?”

“November 26th, 1990”

“Parents' names?”

“Randy and Pam Sharpe.”

“Do you have any siblings?”

“No, only child.”

“Did you go to college?”

“At Stetson University. I graduated in 2013 with a degree in Orchestral Performance and a minor in Business Law.”

Following each question the doctor looked to Sara for confirmation. She gave a minuscule nod after each correct answer. But then-

“I’m in my first year of law school at the University of Florida.” 

Sara took a deep inhale, a subtle shake of her head at the doctor. Ava didn’t notice. 

“What’s your wife’s name?” 

Ava looked over to Sara, once again the uncertainty was easy to read in her eyes. Her voice crept down to a whisper. “I don’t know.” 

“What’s your current address?” 

Ava started to rattle off a list of numbers with a Florida zip code, before looking to Sara for reassurance. She brought her lips up into a tight lipped smile so she would finish. 

“That’s great. Ava, we’re going to take you for some standard follow up scans later just to ensure that everything is looking right inside your head.” 

The doctor nodded his head towards the door, inviting Sara to follow outside. She trailed a distance behind him, her right palm coming to rub an ache in her lower back. Just outside the threshold, Sara crossed her arms and looked expectantly for some answers. Her mind was spinning out. Her fingernails dug into her biceps as she tried to focus on the doctor’s words.

“Ava is experiencing retrograde amnesia. It’s one of the side effects of traumatic head injuries.” 

“Will she get her memory back?” 

“We are unable to say. Unfortunately, responses to injury are very unique and we don’t have all of the answers. There is a very good chance this is temporary. Her brain may still be experiencing some swelling, which we will check for with the scan. The important thing is for you to remain calm. I know this is unsettling for you, but if you get emotional it will only make things more confusing for Ava.”

Sara nodded, scuffing her boot into the floor. It left a black streak from the rubber. “I’m not going to lie to her. If she asks me things, I’m going to tell her the truth. The date and all that included.”

“As you should. We want her to know what is going on, we just didn’t want to interfere with her answers in there. After the scan, we will follow up. Most likely, Ava will have another two weeks or so in here to ensure everything is okay and to do some occupational therapy for any weaknesses she might have developed while in the coma. If everything goes well, she’ll be able to go home.” 

The doctor bid her pardon, and Sara returned to the room, preparing herself for the situation. She could do this. Her wife didn’t remember her, but it was temporary. She shook out her hands as she walked in, plastering on the best smile she could manage before settling into the same seat as before. 

“Will you please tell me what’s going on? Since no one else will.” Ava’s voice sounded so small. 

“We were in a car accident six weeks ago. A semi rear-ended us on I-85. I broke my collarbone and fucked up my back something awful. They put you in a coma, as I’m sure you’ve gathered by now. And it seems you have some memory loss, which the doctor just told me should be temporary.” 

Ava brought two fingers up to her face and rubbed small circles into her temples. “And you’re my wife?” 

Tears involuntarily filled Sara’s eyes as she smiled. She blinked them back, remembering the doctor’s orders to stay unemotional. “Yeah, we’ve been married for over a year and a half.” 

Ava looked away suddenly, her cheeks flushing. “I’m really sorry to ask, but, um. What’s your name?” 

The pang that drove through Sara’s heart was overwhelming. Her heart might actually be splitting in two, this hurt way more than any broken bone. She pushed it down enough to answer the question.

“Sara. Sara Lance.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy SHIT the response to Ch 1 is absolutely out of this world and it honestly has me so giddy, y'all are legit amazing. Words were flowing out of me so here is another chapter for your Friday!!
> 
> if anyone is wondering if I'm going to stick to more Sara's perspective or Ava's the answer is i'll be doing both (but without a real structure of switching back and forth cause that's not how my brain works). also some things may seem a little ooc, but imagine a world where sara isn't traumatized by her many deaths and ava wasn't originally programmed to be emotionless and they were just very in love. they have many emotions going through their heads
> 
> some of the chapters are a little dialogue heavy, this being one of them, but we gotta get some conversation flowing and some of the background information out there somehow

Ava’s face turned curious, and she tilted her chin. “So, I didn’t take your last name?”

At that Sara chuckled. “I think we both know you’re too stubborn for that, Aves.” 

“Nice to know I’m still the person I remember being.” After a pause, she added, “You didn’t take mine.”

“Not exactly the traditional type either.” 

Sara scooched her chair closer to the bed, looking for a little bit of closeness to her wife. It felt so amazing to be talking with her again. 

“What’s the date? I really need to orient myself.” 

“June 2020. The 21st I think.” Sara paused to look at her phone and double check her statement. “The 21st. Confirmed”

Ava’s head bobbed a few times, doing some calculations in her head. 2020 certainly explains why Obama isn’t the president anymore. When her eye’s met Sara’s she found her looking earnestly. Sweetly. 

“I’m really sorry I don’t remember-”

A rapid side to side sweep of Sara’s head shut her down. “You don’t need to apologize. You’ll get it back. And in the meantime I can help fill in the gaps.” Sara concentrated on keeping her voice level. She owed it to Ava to keep herself together, give her some comfort and sense of normalcy.

A silent moment passed before Ava continued, this time sounding unsure. “When exactly did we meet? Because I remember being engaged to Morgan.” 

Sara let air puff out her cheeks before she slowly exhaled. Ex-fiancée Morgan. Unfortunate that she remembered her. 

“We met at the start of 2016.” Ava’s face seemed to be looking for more, so she elaborated. “New Year’s party. You and Morgan imploded a while before.”

Ava couldn’t help the frown that came to her face. Hearing the relationship she thought would end in marriage didn’t work out was startling. Her mind couldn’t help but drift to thoughts of what might have been. It went a step further as she considered what exactly happened. 

As she pondered, Ava spun her ring around her finger. It felt right there. Comforting. 

“Wait, are we married-married?” Ava’s eyebrows shot up.

“Yeah?” Sara was more than quizzical at that question. “What else would we be?”

Ava shrugged. “Domestic partnership. Civil union. Any other big laws change?” 

One quick laugh left Sara’s mouth, coupled with a grin and yet another shake of her head. “Ava Sharpe, comes out of a coma and wants to know about the legislation. God, I missed you.” 

Ava met the same level of smile at Sara’s - no, her _wife’s -_ reaction. 

“Gotta put that law degree to some use.” As soon as the words left her mouth Ava witnessed the change in Sara’s demeanor. Her face fell, her mouth to a little 'o' before it twisted into a grimace. “No law degree then. I really have missed a lot.” 

Ava scratched at the side of her neck feeling suddenly awkward. “What do I do then?” 

As quickly as Sara’s smile had dropped, it was back on. More than a little pride shone from her eyes. “You’re a violinist with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra.” 

“I’m _what_!” Ava moved her arm so quickly the I.V. line started to pull out of her hand, sending a pang of pain up her arm. She brought her limbs back, but the bewilderment in her voice remained. “How is that even possible? I quit playing before law school.” 

“You picked it back up.” Like it was that simple. Like having a chair in an orchestra of that high regard didn’t involve professional training and fellowship performance positions and auditions. 

Ava ran her fingers over her scalp. This was a lot to process. “I’m sorry I’m asking so many questions. I just can’t really get the years straight. I need a timeline or something.” 

Sara honest-to-god snorted. 

“Why that reaction?” Slight annoyance piqued in her voice, she didn’t think the thought was uncalled for.

“I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. Of course you’d want to make a timeline. I should’ve expected that from you.” Sara pushed herself out of the chair by the armrests. “I’m going to get some paper.”

When she returned Sara got to work, leaning the paper onto the bed next to Ava’s thigh so she could watch the events fill in. 

_May 2013- Graduated from Stetson_

_Aug 2013- Started UF Law school_

_Nov 2013- Engaged to Morgan_

“You remember all of that, right?” 

Ava confirmed with a nod. “I’m not sure I remember any big events after that. I guess, when did Morgan and I break it off?” 

_Spring Break 2014- Ava breaks up with Morgan_

“I broke it off with her? What happened?”

Sara’s jaw stuttered in search of an answer that would be enough for now. “Let’s just say you weren’t a good match. You probably won’t want to hear the whole story right now, trust me.” 

The look in Sara’s eyes convinced her. “Okay. I trust you.” Ava did. She must’ve married her for some reason. “So what’s next after that?”

_June 2014- Dropped out of law school_

_Aug 2015- Started Curtis Institute_

Ava didn’t have time to question why she dropped out of law school before reading the next event. 

“I’m sorry, _the_ Curtis Institute. As in crazy-hard-to-get-into music conservatory?” 

“Memory loss might have taken your modesty,” Sara chirped. She leaned in towards Ava’s cheek for a second before abruptly pulling back. She was about to kiss her. Shit. Sara covered her hasty movement with a cough. If Ava noticed, she didn’t say anything. 

“I’m just shocked. This isn’t exactly the life I was planning on having.” Sara depressed her shoulders at the comment. “I mean, that I thought I would have. I’m sure I planned it to a degree. No one gets into the Curtis Institute without planning.”

“I’m not sure you’ve ever done anything without planning.” Sensing that Ava liked the confirmation of her organization, Sara embellished the story with an impish tone to her voice. “I mean with the planners and the reminders and the color coded calendar.”

A blush came to Ava’s face seeing the woman in front of her light up. “Quit teasing. I’m sure you like that I’m a bit anal. Otherwise you wouldn’t have married me.” 

Sara just smirked, beamed really, at Ava. Ava brought the attention back to the paper at her thigh. 

“What’s next?” 

_Jan 1 2016- We meet_

As she scribed the words, Sara was tempted to put a heart next to the date. She held back for fear of striking a chord with Ava. She wasn’t sure how she would feel about it.

_Apr 2016- First date (Sara asked Ava)_

Ava rolled her eyes. She had been curious, but wasn’t about to ask. Sara was certainly cheeky, she’d give her that. 

_Dec 2017- We get engaged_

Ava put her hand down over the pen. “So nothing notable happened in my life in almost two years that didn’t relate to you?” 

A sly smile came to Sara’s face as she shrugged back one shoulder. “What can I say, I’m just that interesting.” 

“If you say so.” She lifted her hand, beckoned Sara to continue

 _May 2018- Graduated from Curtis_

Sara drew a little graduation cap to the side of it for good measure. She lifted her eyes just fast enough to see Ava stifle a smile. She’d do anything to see that smile. 

_Aug 2018- Symphony job, moved to Atlanta_

_Oct 2018- Wedding Day_

“All caught up. On the big events anyways.” Sara tapped the pen definitively into the paper before handing it over to Ava, whose eyes scanned the whole thing several times. 

“This actually helps a lot. Thank you.”

Sara squeezed her hand into a fist, itching to grab onto Ava’s hand. “You don’t have to thank me.” 

A knock brought both of their attention to the door where a transporter stood.

“I’m here to take Ms. Sharpe to MRI.” 

He proceeded to the bed and unclipped the wheel stays. 

Sara stood, unsure where her place was if Ava would be out of the room. Watching the staff member move Ava with so little independence hit a nerve. Once again, waves of panic started overwhelming her. The reality of the situation was sinking in.

“While you’re in the scan I’m going to go home for a bit, grab a change of clothes and maybe a shower. Is there anything I can get you?”

Sara walked with the bed as the transporter started moving. Four counts in, four counts out. She kept her breathing uniform, as uniform as she could manage at least.

“Maybe my phone? Might help me to look through some of the memories, see if anything is familiar.” 

She indicated yes with her head. “I’ll see you later. I love you.” 

On the second to last word her voice cracked, whispering out the end of the sentence. Sara pushed her way through the hall towards the stairwell, barely making it inside before sobs started gasping out of her. She leaned over, her elbow resting on her thighs as she choked out the tears. 

Ava couldn’t remember her. Ava couldn’t remember the past six years of her life. And it was all her fault. 

Sara’s gasps grew so ragged she started coughing, hard enough to make her gag. Her body sunk down to the ground, an arm holding onto the handrail for dear life. The last time she cried like this was the day her parents died. She wasn’t sure how long she remained there before she cried herself dry. Her head was pounding as she made her way down the steps to the front entrance of the hospital. 

Sara pulled her phone out of her pocket and clicked the number three slot on her favorites list. 

“Zari. Can you come pick me up?”

Zari was there not ten minutes later, which was terrifying considering how hard it is to get anywhere in Atlanta in ten minutes. Sara slumped into the front seat of the car. 

“You look like hell.” 

Sara shot a halfhearted glare in Zari’s direction. She didn’t have it in her to give more. 

Zari squeezed her shoulder, before returning her hand to the gearshift. “How is she?” 

“She doesn’t remember me.” 

The car jerked forward as Zari changed gears, seemingly as shocked as the driver. Sara’s hands gripped down on the seat at the movement. Adrenaline was coursing through her body in seconds, her ears burned and all noise went fuzzy. 

“Sorry about that. Shit. What do you mean she doesn’t remember you?”

Sara squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to clear her mind. She was okay, Zari just wasn’t being a smooth driver today. Everything was fine. It wasn’t like she hadn’t been in a car since the accident. _Hold it together_.

“Amnesia, I guess? She remembers being in law school.” 

“That was like six years ago.” Zari’s eyes slipped to the right to take in Sara’s bleak expression. Her eyes were puffy and cheeks tear streaked. 

“I know,” Sara mumbled. 

“It’s got to be temporary, right? Cause of the swelling.” 

Sara sunk even deeper into the seat. “The doctor said probably. There’s a chance she won’t get her memories back.” 

“Don’t go there, alright? She’ll get them back. The important thing is that she’s okay.” 

“She almost wasn’t.”

“Sar-”

“I could’ve killed her, Z.” 

Zari’s head shook so fast Sara was afraid she would give herself whiplash. “Sara, listen to me. You did not do anything. There was already an accident, it was a pileup. It wasn’t your fault.” 

She didn’t respond. Her eyes glazed over as she looked ahead. 

“I need you to hear me. It wasn’t your fault.” 

“Yeah.” 

Zari didn’t press it. Her voice was so worn down, there was no heart in her reply. She kept silent for the thirty minutes until they arrived at Sara and Ava’s house. Sitting in their driveway Sara found her words again. 

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. The doctor said I need to stay reserved for Ava, help keep her calm. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” 

“Hey, you’ll be there for her. Just like always.” 

“She doesn’t even know who I am. I almost went to kiss her and I just..” Sara’s hands wrung out the back of her neck. “She doesn’t love me, she doesn’t remember.” 

Zari placed her fingers on top of Sara’s, slowly pried them off of her neck. “She’ll remember.” 

“What if she doesn’t?” 

“She fell for you once before. She’ll just have to do it again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you again so much for your comments, every email notification makes me so pumped to see
> 
> I can't promise every update will be as speedy as this with school in my life, but with as pumped as I am for this my plan is to put up new material fairly often
> 
> xx until next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did I spend entirely too much time on the computer this past weekend writing this fic and ignoring my schoolwork? yes. 
> 
> do I regret it for even a second? hell no

Upon Sara’s return, the tension Ava was holding in her body flushed away. The sight of the freckled blonde served to relax her. She didn’t know her, not really, but something about her was familiar. More familiar than anything else going on. 

The day had been a lot. That was an understatement, really. Waking up, being told she has a wife, a career, a whole life, that she didn’t even remember. Ava couldn’t help but stare at the timeline Sara made her, hoping that somehow studying the dates would impart all the missing memories upon her. It didn’t, but a girl could dream. 

Sara entered looking softer than earlier, hair still damp and clothing more casual, just a tank top and joggers. Ava thought she looked sadder too. The red in her eyes was hard to miss. 

A soft weight landing on the bed drew Ava’s attention. Her phone. She clicked the home button and it opened with a quick fingerprint scan. 

“Gotta love Touch ID. At least you don’t have to worry about not knowing your password.” 

“The phone I remember having didn’t have the fingerprint reader.” It was a simple fact; Ava’s old iPhone 5 didn’t have the capability, but it highlighted just another way things changed over the last six years.

“Yeah, you hung onto the old one until it’s last leg. Still had it when we started dating.” 

Sara settled herself into the chair next to her, once again curled up in a ball. That had to be uncomfortable. Ava didn’t mention it, just started flicking through her phone. 

“Would you believe it if I said most of these apps are organized the same way I used to have them?” 

Sara mouthed _yeah_ , an all knowing smirk coming to her lips. Ava had her essential systems of organization. One of her many quirks.

Ava went to her messages on instinct, but the notification indicating twenty-eight unread texts was a little too much to deal with at the moment. She redirected herself to her camera roll, thumbed through the icons for a few minutes. A million memories that she didn’t have. At least she looked happy in them. 

With a firm click, she shut off the screen, turning on her side to look at Sara. 

“Doctor came and saw me already. He said the scan was clean, no swelling. I’m cleared for OT.”

“That’s really good.” Sara’s voice sounded like gravel. It sounded anything but good.

“Doesn’t explain the memory loss though.” Ava hadn’t meant to sound so disappointed when the words came out. One look at Sara’s face told her she was thinking the same thing. 

She took a minute to observe the woman in front of her. Freckles, chin dimple, deep blue eyes. Arms. She scanned over her face again. Sara was looking down with such hurt that Ava wanted to hug her. This was killing her inside. 

“So, tell me about yourself.”

Sara tilted her head, a baffled expression rising. 

“I should probably know a little bit about you, considering we’re married.” 

“I’m not sure there’s much to say.” She sounded dejected, a far cry from the confident woman who just hours before had claimed for two whole years of Ava’s life she was the only important event.

“I doubt that. What do you do?” 

“I’m an Athletic Trainer. I work at one of the high schools, usually paired with the swim and football teams.” Sara paused for a moment, then added, “Sorry.”

“Why would you be sorry?” 

“Figured you might be disappointed. You probably expected a lawyer or someone. I know Morgan is what you remember.”

Ava shook her head. “Not disappointed, just trying to figure out who you are. Athletic training, explains the arms.” 

Sara glanced down briefly, puzzled. 

“I’m sure I must tell you all the time, but in case I don’t, they’re great.” She flashed a smile. “Chiseled out of stone or something.”

Sara tucked her tongue into her cheek in an effort to shorten the aperture of the grin on her face. Her own wife, flirting with her. If it hadn’t been such an emotional day, Sara might be embarrassed by how giddy that made her. 

“Don’t worry, you tell me.” 

Ava nodded, filing that detail away for later. Some piece of her old (new?) life that fit into the aspects of herself she knew. “What else about you?”

“This feels like a backwards sort of first date.” 

Ava huffed, rolled her wrist in a circle to say _and?_

“Okay. Well, I’m a dog person.” Ava popped her mouth open, but Sara cut her off. “And before you say it, I know you prefer cats, but I’m allergic so we can’t have any.” 

Ava had been about to protest by pointing out her preference for cats. Sara knew her, that was obvious.

“Any other allergies I should know about?”

“I’m allergic to licorice.” 

“Are you really allergic to licorice? Or just one of those people who says they’re allergic to licorice because they think it tastes gross?”

Sara was quick to protest. “It _does_ taste gross. It’s like Sweet n’ Low.” 

A smile was in Ava’s eyes now, crinkles at the corners showing some fondness for the woman in front of her. Sara relinquished.

“I can’t believe you called me out that quickly. You believed it for two months the first time.” As the sentence left Sara’s mouth she winced, but bit back an apology. There were going to be a lot of apologies if she said I’m sorry every time a piece of their history was brought up. 

Ava saw the grimace clear as day. She wasn’t sure how to address it. Knowing that there were so many experiences missing from her mind was discomforting. Still, she didn’t want Sara feeling bad over it. It seemed like the woman was carrying enough on her shoulders. Ava changed the subject instead. 

“Have you been sleeping in that chair?” She gestured at Sara’s position, knees at chest level with arms wrapped around them.

“They brought a cot in here after the first week. I think they took it out this morning. A resident told me you’re going to be moved out of the ICU tomorrow and into a less intensive unit so that’s probably why it’s gone.” 

A week sleeping in a bedside chair. She might not know Sara, but it was clear she loved her. 

“Wait, didn’t you say you broke your collarbone? Did you sleep in a chair with a sling on?” Sara confirmed the statement with a nod. “I admire your dedication.” 

She shrugged nonchalantly. “I’d do anything for you.” 

With a sharp inhale Sara turned away, mentally kicking herself. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to overstep or come onto you. I know you don’t remember who we are to each other. I shouldn’t be making you uncomfortable.” 

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Ava reassured. Hearing just those words Sara exhaled, tension leaving her body. “It must be hard having me not remember. I’m sorry I can’t say it back.” 

“I wouldn’t expect you to. I’m still going to try and not overstep. Let me know if I do.”

With a lack of a response from Ava silence took over the room once again. Ava drummed her fingers on the back of her phone case. 

“Have you been spending all day at the hospital?” Another nod. “That can’t be healthy.”

“I can’t believe you’re the one with the brain injury, yet fussing over my health.” Sara tousled her fingers through her hair. “Actually, I can totally believe it. And for the record, I have been leaving. A girl’s gotta eat something other than cafeteria food. Plus, someone has to go home and water the garden.”

“We have a garden?” Not that everything she’d been hearing from Sara the whole day hadn’t been interesting, but this grabbed her curiosity. Ava always wanted a garden, but bounding from apartment to college apartment didn’t lend itself well to yard space.

“ _You_ have a garden. I’ve just been taking care of it the best I can. You’re lucky they’re not all dead.” 

“Black thumb?”

Sara wiggled her fingers. “My hands have other talents.” 

As the implication sunk in, Ava felt her face run scarlet. She coughed. Sara was gracious enough to move the conversation along. 

“School is on break right now, so I don’t have regular hours until summer training starts in a few weeks. With the arm busted until a few days ago, I had plenty of time to catch up on Netflix. Finally watched _Mindhunter_.” Sara looked over, eager, before her face fell. It had been doing a lot of that.

“I’m guessing I should know what that is.” 

“It’s just a TV show. One you really wanted me to watch.”

“I’m sure it was good, I have excellent taste in media.”

“Yeah, excellent taste in serial killer shows. I’m just glad this one wasn’t a documentary. Those kind of freak me out.”

“I guess we’ll have to watch it together one day. That is, if you can stomach it.” The jest felt natural falling out of Ava’s mouth.

“I can handle it.” A realization must’ve hit Sara, because her face lit up. “Oh my god, there’s so many books and movies you don’t remember. I can’t wait to show you them all again.” 

Pure radiance crossed Ava’s face. “I’d really like that.” 

Sara spent the next twelve days trying to catch Ava up on six years of important developments. She started with Ava’s favorite art house films, before working some of the more iconic comedies and actions into the mix. Sara even forced a few royally terrible movies upon Ava, ones she correctly claimed she probably never made it through the first time. Favorite books were explained and devoured by Ava, eager to gain insight into the person she was now.

Time that wasn’t spent in occupational therapy sessions to recover the strength in Ava’s wasting muscles or staring at the Netflix queue was spent talking to Sara, trying to get to know her. 

In all honesty, Sara didn’t share that much. Ava got the impression she was holding out, maybe hoping her memories would recover. If Ava was being honest, she hoped the same. Hearing secondhand about the person she was supposed to be just confused her. She simultaneously felt she wasn’t living up to her old self _and_ her new self. 

Sara held Ava at arm’s length in an effort to protect herself from doing something that risked overstepping Ava’s boundaries. Each interaction was carefully monitored to keep Ava comfortable, even at Sara’s own sacrifice. There would be time for her emotions when her wife was fully recovered.

And she would recover. Sara refused to let herself believe in anything other than the fact that Ava’s memory would return. If she stayed optimistic, she didn’t have to contemplate a reality in which things failed to get better, where Ava never remembered. 

Sara was weighed down by the burden of her actions. Guilt was a looming cloud she tried to ignore with a healthy dose of humor and fixation on Ava. All too often, Sara played back the memories of the accident, searching for a way the result may have been different. Even when she managed not to replay the events consciously, the subliminal world invaded her dreams.

Ava had a million questions. There was so much she craved to know about her life, about their life together. Ava sought to understand her past. Why she left law school, why she broke it off with Morgan, how she met Sara, how they really got together; those were just a handful of the unknowns. Ava wrestled with what to ask Sara, unsure of how much she was truly ready to unpack. 

With each interaction, Ava observed small details about her wife. How she always took the joke a step too far with the goal of seeing Ava laugh. The way her nose crinkled when she feigned annoyance but was secretly charmed. The fact that she was worn down and exhausted from sleeping in the hospital, yet never let it really show. Sara was exactly the type of person Ava could see herself falling for.

Except she wasn’t. Not in such a short time frame, at least. Sara was incredible: adoring and strong and beautiful and someone Ava was becoming friends with, despite the implications of who they were to each other lingering in the air. Sara never pushed a boundary, never tried to get close after the first night almost-kiss (which Ava did notice). Try as she might to see if there was some sense of feeling within her, there was nothing more than friendly admiration.

The night before Ava’s expected release from the hospital Ava dropped a bomb on Sara.

“So I’ve been thinking of calling my parents, I’d really like to see them.”

Never had Ava seen someone’s face transform as swiftly as her wife’s did. At least it didn’t flash with hurt; Ava really didn’t think she could take it if something terrible happened to them that she would have to relive. This was more startled.

Ava called her out on it. “What’s that face?” 

Sara plastered on a smile, but it didn’t meet her eyes. “No face. I’m just surprised.” 

“I was actually wondering why you didn’t call them when the accident happened.” 

Sara unhinged her jaw, then closed it again, seemingly lost for words. She found some after a prolonged moment.

“I just didn’t think you’d want them here.” 

Ava’s eyebrows creased together. “Why wouldn’t I want them here?”

Sara ignored the question. “You should call them, see if they’ll come up for a few days.” 

Her face was being examined intently by Ava, who looked for some reasoning as to why her parents weren’t there. Eventually she folded, turning on her phone and looking through her favorites. When they weren’t there she switched over to contacts and clicked on her mom’s number. 

“I’ll give you some privacy.” Sara’s walk out of the room was hurried, but she didn’t move far. She paced in front of the open blinds instead, shooting a quick peek Ava’s way every few seconds. 

After a few rings the line picked up. 

“Hello?” 

“Hi Mom, it’s Ava.” 

“Ava? Oh my god. Honey!” The voice got further away for a second, clearly some commotion occurring at the other end. “Randy, it’s Ava!”

Wow did her parents sound surprised to hear from her. Her dad’s voice came through the line next. 

“Ava is everything okay? It’s been so long.”

It had been at least eight weeks, Ava gave them that. Still, she wasn’t sure it should be the cause for the extreme elation in their voices. 

“Sort of. This is going to be a bit of a shock, but I was in a pretty bad car accident. They kept me in a medically induced coma for a while, but I’m alright now. I leave the hospital tomorrow.”

Both parents let out noises of concerns at Ava’s situation. 

“I’m really okay. Sara’s been by my side the whole time too, taking care of everything.” 

“Sara?” The question mark was clear at the end of her mom’s response. 

“My.. my wife.” She glared through the blinds of her room, catching Sara’s eye for a moment. The shorter woman turned away abruptly. Her parents spoke in hushed tones on the other end of the line, the words not reaching Ava clearly.

Pam bypassed the detail, instead coming on to another question. “Where are you sweetie? We want to see you as soon as possible.” 

“Emory University Hospital in Atlanta. You don’t have to come though.”

“Yes we do, it’s been far too long. We’ll fly up tomorrow morning. We’ve missed you so much. Don’t worry, we’ll be there so soon,” her mother cooed. That was… a lot. 

“Okay, good. I can’t wait to see you. I love you.”

She wouldn’t have been able to miss the catch in both of their throats if she wanted to, their _I love you toos_ in response coming out ragged and unexpected. As the line died, she waved Sara back into the room. Questions were rushing through her mind a million miles a minute. Ava went with the most impressive one first.

“Why don’t my parents know who you are?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so anyone else wondering why Ava's parents were shocked to hear from her?? also don't get discouraged by where Ava is at emotionally (eventually happy ending and all that, they just gotta work through the situation first. I couldn't make it that easy)
> 
> As always thank you for taking the time to read as things progress!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday everyone! I'm back at it again with the sporadic updates (and should maybe come up with a regular schedule)
> 
> Thank you so so much for your comments! I love seeing your theories on the parent situation! Without further ado...

The moment Ava suggested her parents, Sara knew this conversation would be coming. Her time in the hallway was spent racking her brain for the best way to tell her what happened. It’s not exactly like there was a handbook for telling your amnesiac wife she hadn’t uttered a word to her family since 2014. Sara decided to rip off the bandage. 

“You haven’t spoken to them in years, Ava.” 

Ava’s eyes were wide with confusion. She pinched the bridge of her nose, before rubbing the heels of her hands into her eyes. Her palms dropped down.

“That doesn’t make any sense. I talk to my parents all of the time. They’re a little overbearing like that.” 

Sara resumed her pacing back and forth, now at the foot of the bed. “It all happened before we met.”

“And what, we never talked about it?” 

The tone of Ava’s voice stopped her in her tracks. Sara breathed out the words, “Of course we talked about it.” 

“Well?”

Sara’s hands came together as she started picking at the corners of her cuticles. This was uncomfortable. She didn’t want to confuse Ava any more than she already was. This Ava remembered being on good terms with her parents. How was Sara supposed to rip that away from her on top of everything else she destroyed?

“I'm not going to lie to you, we don’t do that, but I’m really struggling with if I should tell you.” 

Ava sat with her palms still open on the bed. She raised her thumbs just slightly to indicate that Sara should continue. 

“I worry that it’s going to be pouring salt into a wound that healed a long time ago.” 

Her words seemed genuine, and judging by the way Sara was digging at the corners of her nails, she was clearly in distress. 

“Was it really that bad?” 

Her wife nodded, finally settling into the chair that might as well be reserved for her. Ava was trying to decide if she wanted to know. On one hand, not knowing meant just another thing missing from her years. On the other, it was a chance for a clean slate, a little less hurt in the world. And this had clearly hurt her. 

“Do I want to know?” 

“I can’t make that decision for you. The Ava I know would say of course.” Sara hesitated for a moment. “I don’t really know where you’re at.” 

Sara didn’t need to be protecting Ava; she was more than capable of handling herself. A part of Sara wanted to spill all, hiding the details of her parent’s betrayal felt wrong. That same part of her was filled with dread. The last thing Sara ever wanted was to hurt her wife. If she told Ava, things would certainly be easier. Ava’s parents would be pushed quickly out of the picture. That felt like the wrong way to do things. Pushing her parents away wasn’t how Sara wanted to keep Ava by her side.

“You’ll tell me if I want?” 

“Of course, we tell each other everything.” 

“You didn’t tell me that I haven’t spoken to my parents in years.” 

So Ava had a point there. It could have come up in the past two weeks they spent together. But it didn’t. Just another way Sara was disappointing Ava after ruining her life. Sara sat silent.

“So tell me this,” Ava started, making sure she had Sara’s attention before proceeding, “I can understand my parents not being at the wedding. I would’ve done that anyways. But they don’t know who you are at all. They don’t even know I’m married.” 

“I’m not sure there’s a question in there.” 

Ava pursed her lips. “I guess not. I’m just trying to figure it out. They haven’t always been the greatest parents, but I’m struggling to understand a world in which I didn’t even tell them I’m married. That seems so unlike me.” A thought hit her and before she even had time to think it over it was flying out of her mouth. “We didn’t get married for tax purposes or something did we? Or immigration?”

If the statement wasn’t so hurtful, Sara might have laughed. Under normal circumstances, the words would seem ridiculous. “You already know I’m from Star City.” They’d covered that much.

“I know. That didn’t seem right.” Even if Ava really thought Sara might be married to her for non-romantic reasons, the fact that she’d spent eight weeks at her bedside, clearly enamored with her, proved otherwise. 

“You’re not just after my inheritance, right?” 

Another wince. Sara’s cringes were the easiest thing to read. No inheritance. She really had cut things off with her parents. 

Sara’s own mind was spiraling yet again. To hear Ava question if she was after her money was just… ouch. 

“They’re flying up in the morning.” 

Sara’s head flew towards Ava, panic setting in. Post a traumatic brain injury wasn’t how she imagined meeting Ava’s parents. Not that she’d imagined it. Ava had made it clear she’d never let them back into her life, and after all the terrible things she’d told Sara about them, Sara wasn’t exactly keen on being introduced to them. 

But that was before she stopped their car in front of a semi. She fabricated a smile for Ava’s sake. 

“Sounds great.” It didn’t sound great. 

“You don’t have to stay and meet them,” Ava offered, noticing that Sara was gritting down on her teeth. She didn't want Sara gone - she was the only constant over the past two weeks of confusion. Besides, if she really did have such a big falling out with her parents, maybe Ava wanted a little backup. 

“Of course I’m meeting them.” 

“Why do you look like you’re going to be sick?” Throughout the conversation, Sara’s complexion grew more and more ashen. It was almost sheet white. 

Sara opened her mouth to argue before thinking better of it. There was no way a fake smile was hiding her apprehension. Sara looked sick because she was trying to undo all of the preconceived hatred she had for Ava’s parents so that could look friendly enough on site. That didn’t seem like the right thing to say. “I’m not good with parents.” 

It wasn’t exactly a lie. She’d pissed off plenty of parents in her life, her own included. What Sara meant was _I’m not going to be good with your parents._ It was really difficult to imagine a situation in which Ava’s parents accepted their estranged daughter’s unknown wife, especially after Sara failed to notify them of the accident. 

Ava could read Sara more easily than she thought. Even without all the history between them it was clear that wasn’t the full truth. “Why do I doubt that?’

“Because you know me,” Sara sighed. 

She didn’t. Not like that anyway. “I thought you said we don’t lie to each other?” 

“It wasn’t really a lie. I strongly doubt your parents will like me.” 

“They’re not that bad.” 

“Yes they are, Aves.”

“They’re my parents,” Ava hissed, her voice on the defensive now. Who was this woman to say that? Even if she knew things Ava didn’t, what gave her the right? 

Sure, most interactions with Ava’s parents involved judgments masked as compliments. And maybe she never felt she would live up to their expectations. That didn’t change who they were to her.

Sara felt the frustration building up inside of her, getting close to bursting. It wasn’t Ava, it was the whole situation. Everything was out of her control, and if she hadn’t got them in that stupid accident it wouldn't be happening. 

“I know. I know they are. But they are that bad.” Sara hit her right fist lightly into her open palm before dropping it, realizing how aggressive the action looked. 

“I’m not sure what you think you know, but you don’t get to talk about them that way. Right now I know them a lot more than I know you.”

Logically, Sara knew Ava’s tone wasn’t vitriolic. It was scared and hurt and confused and protective. The words still stung like acid. She turned her face away from Ava. 

“Maybe you should spend the night at the house,” Ava said, so softly Sara almost could have missed it. She wished she had. Never before did Ava request that Sara leave. Her head rotated back, eyes downcast. 

“If that’s what you’d prefer.”

Ava wasn’t sure she did, but she knew she was angry, and thinking about Sara hating her parents wasn’t helping. “Maybe some space would be a good idea.” 

Sara bobbed her head in a disheartened fashion, came to a stand, and gathered a few of her things from the room. At the threshold, she paused for a moment when Ava’s voice rang out.

“You’ll still come in the morning, right?” 

Sara lifted her cheeks weakly. “You’re getting discharged.” 

Ava smiled back. Her heart was torn between wanting Sara there and gone for the evening, but she was still pleased to know she’d be by her side the next day.

By the time Sara made it home, her head was throbbing. She threw back two ibuprofen before curling onto the mattress in the guest bedroom. The rational part of herself knew it was hardly past 8:30, the sky not yet dark. A small echo of Ava’s voice told her she really needed to take off her hospital clothes before getting onto the sheets, but she pushed the noise away. Ava wasn’t here now.

It wasn’t like Sara hadn’t spent the night at home since the accident; she had three times. One was upon Ray and Nora’s insistence. They dragged her back to the house to force her to sleep in a real bed after witnessing her limp through the hospital, the thin cot not doing her back any favors. The second time, the alarm system was triggered by a raccoon. She arrived home to investigate the potential intruder just past midnight and didn't have it in her to make the trek back to the hospital. The third was a week prior, when Ava was subjected to a sleep study and the doctor insisted she be alone for the night. 

None of those times did Sara feel as empty as she felt now. There was an Ava shaped hole in her soul aching for her wife. She pulled the comforter around herself tighter, as if somehow that would comfort the gnawing in her chest. The bedding scratched lightly against her skin; the guest room was always a little off, the blanket too stiff, the headboard too creaky, the fan too loud, but Sara didn’t have it in her to get into their bed alone. 

Sleep didn’t come easy to her. After two hours of tossing and turning, Sara gave up on the endeavor, moving instead to the living room with a scotch in hand in hopes the TV would serve as a distraction. It didn’t; the noise just blurred into the background as she considered what might happen if Ava’s memory didn’t return and she was faced with this new reality of someone who didn’t know her or their most essential moments. 

Sara was letting herself mope, perfectly content to drown her sorrows and sink deeper into her own pain, when her phone rang. A picture of Laurel popped up on the screen, all blonde hair and clear skin. Pangs of guilt ran through her. She hadn’t talked to her sister since before the accident, ignoring her calls in favor of sending vague texts that didn’t say much. Laurel didn’t have a clue what was going on, and Sara had a feeling everything was about to spill over as soon as she answered the call. With a centering breath, she hit the accept button.

“Oh good, I was starting to get the impression that you were ignoring me.” 

“I wasn’t.” Sara was unconvincing. 

“Okay, avoiding me. Let’s not forget you’ve been texting me instead of answering my calls.”

“What’s up, Laurel?” 

Her sister let out a puff of air. “Nothing’s up. I just miss talking to you.”

Sara remained quiet, the revelation she’d been messing up another relationship in her life sitting on the tip of her mind. Laurel mercifully continued the conversation for her.

“So any new life developments? Summer break treating you two well?”

“Laurel-” Sara started her sentence shakily, her voice trembling beneath her. Her sister shifted right into concern.

“Sara, what’s wrong?” 

Just like that, the floodgates opened, Sara releasing the story all at once. The accident, her inability to keep them safe, Ava’s coma and memory loss, her parents about to come, her entire life in shambles and having no idea what to do about it without her partner by her side. Tears came with the words, bubbling out of her with little regard. The tears had been flowing far too often lately. Where was the stoic self she knew? Her ability to compartmentalize was wholly impaired. 

When Sara finally finished, she found herself oddly relieved. Talking about the experience made it less scary, or at least slightly more manageable.

Laurel took the news in stride, somehow always keeping up with Sara’s drama. She was too good for them both. Laurel didn’t harbor any anger over Sara not telling her about the accident sooner, even though Sara knew she was probably kicking herself for not pushing harder to be there during the recovery period. 

“That’s a lot.” Laurel summed it up in three words. 

“I know.” 

“You’re probably going to need some serious therapy.”

Sara snorted, the most glorious of snot streams threatening to leak down her face. She fumbled for a nearby tissue. “God, I’m a mess.” 

“I can come. I can be there tomorrow if you need me.” 

“And be the reason Star City is left without a D.A.? Please.” She knew Laurel meant it though, and it was enough.

“Ava’s going to come home with you tomorrow, right?” Laurel’s tone shifted from concerned to the smallest bit commanding.

“Unless she wants to stay in the hospital.”

“Did you clean the house?” 

_Shit_. It wasn't a complete disaster area, Sara wasn’t home often enough to put it in shambles. But it certainly was messier than Ava preferred, and that was judging off the Ava who knew how disorganized Sara kept things. The Ava from six years ago, the Ava who didn’t know her affinity for shoes left in the middle of the hallways and dishes clean in the rack but not put away, she could only imagine was less tolerable of clutter.

“I’ll take it from your silence, that's a no.” 

Sara was hit with all of the things she’d neglected to do in her wallowing. “There’s absolutely no food here.” 

“That can be a project for the morning before you go back to the hospital. It’s too late for that now.” Sara glanced to the glow of the light on the microwave: 11:14 P.M. Laurel was truly a voice of reason. It seemed her sister wasn’t yet done parenting her. “So what’s the plan?” 

“Strip the beds, laundry, groceries in the morning--”

“No. I mean what’s your plan for you and Ava?” 

Oh. That. “There is no plan, Laurel.” 

Laurel huffed on the other end of the line. “Tell me what you’re thinking then.” 

What she was thinking? Everything. Sara was thinking every possibility about how to get her wife back, how to restore her life after she wrecked it just like she wrecked their white sedan.

“I don’t know. Priority one is keeping Ava comfortable. I know she’s confused, so first step is just being there for her, getting acclimated to our life. The doctor is supposed to get her hooked up with a specialist to see about her memory. I think they’re hoping being home will trigger something.”

“It will.” Laurel sounded sure. Sara wasn’t. Despite the resolute front she wore with Ava, her faith in these things were starting to waver given recent events. 

“Other than that, I’m not sure. Trying not to encroach on her space too much. I’m almost a complete stranger to her, Laur. I need to make sure I don’t scare her away. I can’t lose her.” 

“Sara.” The sympathy was dripping from Laurel’s mouth, oozing with tenderness. “You may feel like a stranger to her, but you’re her wife. She’s not one to you. I know you want to take care of her, but don’t forget to take care of yourself. Her needs shouldn’t eclipse yours. Ava wouldn’t want that for you.” 

“When you say it like that, it sounds like she’s dead.” Maybe a part of Ava was, with such a fundamental amount of herself lost by synapses that didn’t fire anymore. 

“She’s not. And neither are you. Try to keep that in perspective.” 

“You’re right,” Sara resigned. 

“I usually am.” Sara could hear the smile in Laurel’s voice. 

“Do me a favor,” Laurel paused, waiting for a hum of acknowledgement from Sara before she resumed, “next time, pick up the phone a little sooner. Or I’ll have to fly out there myself to make sure you’re holding it together.”

The laughed Sara released was brief, but it was enough for Laurel to hear. “I will.”

They bid adieu with _I love yous_ , Sara rubbing her fingers to her neck to relieve some of the tension there. She set off with a game plan to prepare the house and herself for tomorrow’s events.

Time to impress the parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time: we meet Ava's parents, but are they dicks?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? posting biweekly tuesday/fridays? it just might be possible

It was a frenzy of a morning. Grocery shopping, making up the bed with far too many decorative pillows, scrubbing the shower (maybe that was a little excessive, the shower was white as always, but Sara woke up at 5:15 with too much time to spare). She took more time than usual getting ready, actually bothered to put on makeup for the first time and the accident and slick back all the wispies of her ponytail. Sara even did up her outfit, sporting her nice black jeans - the ones without any rips at the knees - and booties, trading her normal combat boots for the heeled version.

Just before nine, she arrived at the hospital, knowing Ava’s morning physical exam would be over. A few staff members were crowded in the room when she came to Ava’s room. She snuck past them, wiggled her way to the corner to listen in.

“Physically, all of the tests show that you’re completely fine. Your long-term memory is intact and the team is optimistic the sooner you get back into your daily routine, the sooner your memories will return. The occupational therapist is giving you the go ahead for regular activity, just work yourself up to it. Don’t expect to jump in and beat your personal records from before.” 

“I wouldn’t know my personal records from before if I tried.” Ava sounded cheerful, in much better spirits than when Sara left her the night before. Her comment brought a chuckle out of the doctor.

“You’ll be coming back here for a check-in with me in four weeks. If you have any neurological episodes besides some expected headaches, call to set up an earlier appointment. We’ll also be setting you up with neurocounseling. They’ll help you navigate the emotional side of things as it relates to your traumatic brain injury. I recommend weekly sessions, but it will be up to you if you want to maintain that level.”

Sara’s brain flashed back to her conversation with Laurel the night before. Therapy wasn’t really in her vocabulary.

“Do you have any questions for me?” 

“When can she get out of here?” Sara called out from the back. “This room is great and all, but I’m willing to bet Ava is excited for a king bed.” 

The clinicians turned to her, noticing Sara’s presence for the first time. Ava grinned. The interruption was apparently okay by her. 

“We’ll need about an hour to process her discharge paperwork. Anything else?” The doctor turned back to Ava to make it clear she had his attention. 

Ava shook her head, then thanked the team for their work, always the gracious one. As they exited the room, Sara walked over to the bedside. With a dramatic _plop_ a fabric grocery bag landed on the bed. In response, Ava raised an eyebrow. 

“Figured you probably weren’t going to leave the hospital in that gown.” 

A blush arose as she looked over her current clothing. The hospital gown had almost become second nature to her. “I don’t know, I was thinking it could be a new signature look for me.” 

Sara snickered under her breath. _As if_. 

“You’re in a good mood this morning. How was your night?” 

That was a complicated question. 

When Sara first left, Ava found herself seething over the implication that her parents were terrible. Maybe they had been, but she didn’t know it, and try as she might to trust Sara, she had over twenty years of memories of her parents and just a few weeks with her wife. 

When the anger and confusion finally passed, Ava was hit with the loneliness of her situation. She’d spent so much time with Sara the previous two weeks and was constantly accompanied by hospital staff. The realization she would need to patch in all the other aspects of her life - family, friends, work - was massive, and it only served to highlight just how isolated she felt.

The old friends Ava remembered weren’t too close with her and earlier conversations with Sara confirmed that none had stuck once she left law school. She’d been close with a few of her cousins, but judging on the state of her relationship with her parents, Ava wasn’t too confident she’d maintained those. 

Over the previous days, Sara had regaled many tales to her about their current group: Ray with his never-ending optimism, Nora, slightly standoffish, but secretly so warm and caring and also Ava’s best friend. She’d mentioned Zari’s attitude and love for donuts, Amaya’s compassionate nature, Nate’s goofiness, and a few too many embarrassing stories about Gary, told with just enough fondness in her eye to know Sara cared for him. 

Despite knowing Ava had people who loved her, and who she loved, it didn’t help the feeling that she was completely and utterly alone. 

After coming to grips with that, Ava cycled back to the thoughts of her parents. A search of her phone revealed little, spare a few pictures from before she broke up with Morgan. She had to assume that had something to do with their rift. 

Maybe she did want to know what they did after all.

Lastly, she drifted to Sara. Sara, who was supposedly the person who loved her most in the world. Sara, who was trying to shield her from hurt in the most obvious of ways. But also, Sara, the wife she didn’t know. Ava was charmed by her, she could see what she must’ve seen in Sara the first time. It was obvious how much love she had to give.

Feelings of guilt over her inability to reciprocate the feelings overwhelmed Ava, but nothing was going to change how little she knew about the woman short of her memory coming back. Any feelings Ava had before were gone, lost to the world like a picture on an Etch A Sketch. It was going to take a lot of time to even attempt to build that up again.

All of that was too complicated to mention. Instead, Ava said, “Good. I feel a lot better after resting.” 

Sara took in the words as Ava started looking through the bag of clothes. 

“I wanted to apologize for what I said about your parents. That wasn’t right of me.” 

Ava’s hands stilled. For some reason, she’d expected the argument to be brushed under the rug, not addressed. She misjudged Sara. “I-- Thank you. I appreciate that. I’m sorry for asking you to leave, I just needed to process.” 

A shrug from Sara tried to play it off. 

“This is going to take some adjusting. You and I.” Sara waggled a finger between their two bodies to which Ava nodded in response. Trying to figure out her life, which was completely tied into a stranger’s, was definitely going to be a journey,

A knock on the door had both women swiveling their heads. 

Even if Sara hadn’t known they were coming, between the immaculate dress and similar facial features, Sara would instinctively identify the woman in front of her to be Pam Sharpe. Randy stood directly behind her.

“Oh, Ava, my sweet child.” Pam rushed forward to the hospital bed to envelope Ava in a hug. “Honey, it’s been so long. We were so worried when you called.” 

Randy repeated the hug his wife gave. The two of them gave no notice to Sara, instead gushing over their daughter. Feeling like an intruder, Sara hesitated in the corner before kicking herself in gear. Sara Lance wasn’t the type of person to hide out in the background.

“Mr. and Mrs. Sharpe, I’m Sara Lance. Ava’s wife.” Sara walked to the trio, perched herself on the corner of the bed. 

Randy stood with his chest sticking forward in an attempt to look intimidating. “Do you know how troubling it is to hear that my daughter has been in the ICU for weeks?”

Pam met Sara’s eyes, her hands squeezing onto Ava’s. “You should have called us.” 

All she could say was a succinct _I’m sorry_. There wasn’t any use arguing. She’d already explained the situation to Ava best she could. Pam and Randy weren’t exactly the type to be swayed by Sara’s excuses, and Sara didn’t care enough to give them. 

Pam turned back to Ava before continuing her enthusiastic conversation with her daughter. “I’m going to take some time off work. You’ll return to Miami with us. We’ll make up your room. I know how much we hurt you those years ago. Please let us make it up to you.”

Sara’s brain must be misfiring because she could almost swear Ava’s mom said she was taking Ava back home. No way in hell. Before she had the chance to utter a word, Ava spoke up to explain her memory loss to the parents. The revelation did little to dissuade Randy’s insistence that Ava return home with him. If anything, it amplified it.

“All the more reason for you to come home with us. We’ll get you all the specialists you need.” 

Sara shook her head in disbelief. 

“I don’t mean to be rude-” though she certainly wanted to be “-you’re being very generous. But Ava has a life here, and her doctor thinks she’ll do best if she settles into her regular routine. Her life with me is her regular routine.” 

“Well, Ms. Lance, it appears that her life with you is one Ava no longer remembers.” Randy’s words were pointed, not meant to be argued with. Fortunately, Sara was an expert. If there’s one thing she was, it was belligerent. 

“She will. And even if she doesn’t, the life Ava chose was here for a reason, not in Miami.”

Pam joined the conversation. “Why not let her recover with the people she knows and loves? Instead of with a stranger.”

“Oh, mm.” Sara bit down on her tongue to choke down the string of expletives she wanted to leave her mouth. _The people she loves?_

Ava was visibly uncomfortable, her eyes shooting back and forth between the three bedside companions. 

“We want what’s best for Ava,” Randy proclaimed. As if Sara didn’t want the exact same thing.

“That’s interesting, because you haven’t asked Ava what she wants _once_.” 

Ava threw her hands down to the bed, making a clunking noise against the mattress. The room stilled.

“I need to think about this. Can you all give me a few minutes alone?”

While her parents looked rejected, Sara took the request in stride. “Of course. Anything you want.” 

Sara ambled to the door before realizing no one was following her. She turned to Pam and Randy. “Are you going to respect Ava’s choice on this?” 

The looks she received were dirty at best, but the couple exited in silence. It didn’t last too long. Apparently, Randy had more words for Sara. 

“I’m not sure who you think you are, but you’re not taking my daughter away from me again.” 

“Excuse me?” Sara scoffed. “Listen, I know all about you two. I know what you did with Morgan, and I know how much you hurt Ava. Let’s not pretend that was my fault.” 

Randy ground down on his teeth. A vein in his forehead bulged slightly. 

“For all we know, you could be a criminal.” 

“Then I’d be a criminal your daughter married. She’s 29 years old, and you haven’t spoken with her in over six years. I’m not sure you get a say in her decisions.” 

Pam’s hand hovered over the pearls around her neck. She looked as uncomfortable as Ava had in the room at their bickering. 

“She’s our daughter,” the older woman whispered. 

“She’s my wife,” Sara countered. 

The next string of Randy’s words stopped Sara’s heart cold. “If you really care about Ava, you’ll do the right thing and get a divorce.”

A _what?_ Waves of emotion cascaded through Sara’s body. Everything from shock to disgust to agony rained over her. There was no time to process the words, as it was just that moment that an admin arrived at the door. 

“We have Ava’s discharge papers ready early. As soon as she signs them she’ll be ready to go.” 

The trio exchanged a look before peering inside at Ava. She nodded at them, an indication they could enter. The admin followed with a tablet in his hand. He explained the discharge instructions to the room, going over the details of Ava’s next appointment, what medications to avoid for the time being, and to abstain from driving until after her next check-in. Ava signed and initialed at all the dotted lines, until she got to the final page. It had a blank for ‘released into the care of’. She glimpsed at the figures around her bedside, hesitating. 

At last Ava declared, “I’m going home with Sara.” 

Sara intercepted a smile that was making its way onto her lips. She wasn’t trying to rub it in Ava’s parent’s faces. She wasn’t a complete child. 

“But sweetie, you don’t even know her,” Pam pressured. Her husband just frowned. 

“I trust myself. If she wasn’t the best person for me I wouldn’t have married her. And I made the decision to leave Florida long before I met Sara. I owe it to myself to honor that choice.” 

Her parents fumbled over their words, looking for a way to change her mind. 

“I also owe it to myself to repair our relationship. At least, I think I do. I’d really like to see you two before you leave.” Even hearing that her parents had been awful to her, Ava was propelled by her genteel upbringing to make the obligatory invitation. After all, they came all this way, hopped on flight as soon as they knew she was in the hospital.

“We’re leaving late tomorrow night. We figured you’d be coming with us.”

“How about dinner tomorrow?” What absurd force prompted Sara to offer that, she wasn’t sure, but the words came out of her mouth as she instinctively reached for Ava’s hand. The action was interrupted, but not before Ava caught the twitch. There wasn’t a chance to back out now, so Sara elaborated. “It can be the four of us. It’d be good to get to know each other.” 

They eventually agreed, and Randy and Pam left with plans to see their daughter the following night. Before their departure, Ava’s father was sure to place a too-tight grip on Sara’s arm as he demanded she _do the right thing for Ava_. 

Soon Sara and Ava were in the car, going home together for the first time in months. As Sara settled into the driver’s seat, her hands trembled. She hoped Ava didn’t notice. _This isn’t your first time driving since, hold it together._ It was, however, Sara’s first time driving with Ava by her side, and the memories of the accident were at the forefront of her mind.

Swallowing back fear, they hit the road. Sara was focused entirely on the trip until Ava spoke again.

“Thank you for offering dinner. I know you don’t really want to.” She didn’t want to. Ava watched as Sara’s eyes flicked towards her face then returned to the windshield. 

“It’s important to you. It’s important that I be there too.” Sara really would do anything for Ava, despite the slight tint of displeasure in her voice. Sara hoped she could see that.

“You keep saying stuff like that. Are we genuinely that well balanced?” Ava’s relationship with Morgan had been... rockier, to say the least. It was a constant push and pull between who was right and who got their way. Not to say they didn’t care deeply for each other, but they hardly had the alliance her marriage was made out to be. 

Even with the occasional miscommunication and different approaches to problems, Sara and Ava did their best to always work as a team. Rarely was there something they didn’t tackle as a unit. The one exception had been their first fight.

A miscommunication between the two had Ava scared that she didn’t have Sara on her side, and she withdrew, called it ‘hiding in her corner’. Two days of radio silence passed before Sara was at Ava’s door, insisting on a conversation that ended with an agreement to tackle things together. Always.

Even if Ava didn’t remember the promise, Sara intended to honor it. She told Ava as much.

God, did Ava wish she remembered. With so much missing from her life, the least she wanted to know was what she would be walking into with her parents.

“Tell me what they did.” 

If she wasn’t so focused on the road, Sara was positive the speed at which she turned her head would be enough to do a full 360. The request caught her off guard, but Sara was ready to oblige. This was for the best. The previous night was filled with regret over not telling Ava (among all her other unfettered emotions). Sure, Sara had her moments of hiding things, but this was different. Ava deserved to know.

So Sara told the story of spring break 2014, a trip turned disastrous when Ava accidentally caught a glimpse of a text from her dad on Morgan’s phone. Or not a text. A sext. The discovery was followed by the confession of six months of infidelity. Six months of secret meetings between Ava’s fiancée and her father.

Ava sat stoically, the only sign she was taking it in the welling of tears. Sara wasn’t there for the original reveal, but she was far too aware of the number it did on Ava. For years, the deceit had Ava afraid of trusting anyone new and disgusted with the people who raised her. This response was understated. 

The car finally slowed as it pulled into their driveway. Sara got a chance to take in Ava’s reaction: bloodshot eyes, flushed cheeks, a single tear balancing precariously on the edge of Ava’s chin. She swallowed hard, a tell tale sign there was a growing lump in her throat.

Just in case Sara didn’t think her heart had broken enough over the past two months, this look was enough to shatter every remaining piece into minuscule shards.

Sara’s hand came to squeeze Ava’s in an act of comfort that lasted a few seconds. Ava was tempted to hold on.

She didn't.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday folks! lowkey I feel like I'm spamming your inbox with updates so I do sincerely apologize 
> 
> But I have enjoyed seeing all of your reactions to the previous chapters and theories for the upcoming ones!!

The atmosphere as they arrived home was tense. Not uncomfortable, but definitely unsettling. Ava must’ve been in some sort of shock from the news because she didn’t feel elated or comforted or even conflicted about arriving at their home. There was no immediate strike of anger, no flash of red hot flame after hearing about her father. Rather, she was numb.

Sara was quick to offer Ava take some time for herself and take it all in. When that didn’t elicit a response, she suggested the two of them throw something on the television to distract. Ultimately, Ava requested a tour.

Walking through the house, it was clear there were pieces of Ava everywhere. A plant she bought at the start of law school sat by the back porch, almost a foot taller than she remembered it. Pictures of her and Sara and their group of friends lined the walls. The bookshelf in the living room was immaculately organized, not just by author’s name, but also separated into fiction and nonfiction.

Just as much of her own personality was visible, Ava could see Sara’s. A pair of boxing gloves dangled above a duffel bag in the coat closet, a leather jacket hooked over the back of a chair at the dining table. In the bedroom, two swords hung above the television, a decorating decision Ava could only assume wasn’t her own. 

The more she saw, the more Ava was struck with just how much she’d forgotten. Each knick-knack on the shelf, each picture framed with care, had a story which was missing. A few of the images caught her eye: Ava and Sara kissing under a floral arch, the white of their attire blending into one. Another featured a lakeside landscape with eight people haphazardly posing on the edge of a dock. The smiles were unrestrained in each one. Ava desperately desired to know the stories behind them.

Sara insisted she take the guest bedroom, claiming Ava was the one to pick their mattress in the master and would be furious if Sara had her sleep anywhere else. There was also the fact she probably wouldn’t get any sleep in their bed alone, but that was beside the point. 

The air was thick with the sense of residual déjà vu as Ava perched herself down on the corner of the bed - _their_ bed - careful not to get her germs from the hospital on the clean comforter. Noises from the kitchen indicated Sara was attending to something, giving Ava the opportunity to relish in being in a real bed for the first time in weeks. There wasn’t much time to savor the moment before she was crying again.

At one point in her life, Ava was the type to pride herself on her ability to hold in her emotions. She was affectionately called a robot by her friends, the way she could cling to structure rather than let something bother her. But this was uncharted water. Ava couldn’t stop everything from bubbling out. 

How could her parents waltz in and try to swoop her back into their lives without even acknowledging what they did? Use her memory loss to their advantage. Just as much as she couldn’t understand that, Ava didn’t understand how this could have happened. Her memories with Morgan, while admittedly not perfect, didn’t point to this.

Maybe she had been fooling herself. Or maybe there were hints Ava didn’t remember. In the end, it wasn’t important. If Sara was telling the truth, and what reason did she have to lie, then her family destroyed more than Ava should be willing to ever forgive.

The indiscretion gnawed deep in the lining of her stomach, threatening to hurl out of her. It was a punch to the gut. Better yet, it was a hand reaching into her thoracic cavity and pulling out her heart, before chewing it into threads of muscle tissue no longer able to beat. Hurt and disgust confounded themselves in Ava’s mind, complicated all the more so by the indoctrinated love one usually has for their family. Come hell or high water. 

Because who did Ava have left if not her parents? Sara, sure, and the two previous weeks with her were pleasant, but besides that all Ava knew of her life were her parents. It was worth a try to reconcile with them. Right?

It wasn’t. Still, the plans were set, their flights made. Ava didn’t owe the people who raised her anything, not after this. But all the years of Cotillion, of proper etiquette learned growing up with parents who were too rich to pay adequate attention to their own daughter, of expected social graces, convinced Ava the dinner would still happen. She would buck up and go.

Ava wasn’t sure how much time passed before her eyes dried, but eventually she found herself meandering around the house again to take in everything. Her exploration led to the back porch after something caught her eye. Ava walked out the glass doors and parked herself on the object of her attention: a woven hammock. It swung slightly as her weight settled down. 

Unbeknownst to Ava, Sara watched from the kitchen. The action was so familiar it ached. She couldn’t count the number of times Ava rested on the hammock, finding it somewhere she could actually relax and divulge into a captivating book or podcast. The temptation to join Ava was almost too big to ignore, the only reason for any hesitation being how Sara just dropped a bomb about her parents. It was hard to know how Ava wanted to process it.

Despite her uncertainty, Sara checked in.

Ava jumped at the noise of the patio door opening. Somewhere along the way, her mind zoned out. The startle was paired with the sight of Sara, a bowl of strawberries in hand.

“Figured you’d probably need something to eat after the morning you’ve had so far.”

“Yeah, well, how often does it happen that you find out your father slept with your fiancée?”

“At least twice.” It was meant to be a quick-witted line, but as soon as it came out, Sara regretted her choice. It wasn’t exactly tactful.

Mercifully, Ava laughed at the comment, the noise ringing out and running right into Sara’s heart. It warmed her more than the Georgia heat. 

“You’re taking this better than anticipated.” A hint of suspicion was present in Sara’s voice. In all honesty, Ava was taking it better than she was expecting too, even considering the outpouring she finished in the privacy of the bedroom. The news still needed to sink in. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The answer was a small shake of Ava’s head. 

Yeah. Sara was expecting that. For all the communication they worked to be good at before, it wasn’t unexpected Ava wanted to keep quiet and deal with this alone right now. It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt when she rejected Sara's offer to help work through this.

After an exchange which ended with Ava saying Sara could leave her be, Sara reluctantly returned inside. Ava relaxed back into the swaying of the hammock. 

She must’ve fallen asleep, because the next thing Ava realized was how aggressively her stomach was growling. With gracious thoughts Ava reached for the strawberries and popped one into her mouth. 

She was struck by the tenderness of it all. Sara, bringing her a snack before Ava even considered her own hunger. Sara, who was giving her more than enough space to process things on her own. She made a mental note to thank her later. Considering how hard things were for her as she grieved a life she couldn’t remember, Ava could only imagine Sara was rife with torment. Sad as she might be that she didn’t have feelings for the woman who was her wife, it had to be ten times worse to sit on the receiving end and witness Ava with her slate wiped clean. 

The rest of the day passed with little incident. Sara kept her distance, not looking to be too overbearing. That was never her style. Independence was always something the couple maintained, she wasn’t trying to change their normal habits, no matter her desire to get close with Ava. 

Ava did the same, tried to figure out pieces of her life while processing whether or not she wanted to do dinner with her parents the following night. The day was spent in a slight funk. Ava’s mood could only be described as weird, but could you blame her? 

By the evening, her quietude remained.

Dinner consisted of chicken piccata made by Sara and white wine from the collection Ava had built. For Ava, the meal was mostly pushing the capers around the plate, maybe peeling some of the breading off with her fork. Sara noticed the second they sat down, but chose not to comment on her apparent lack of appetite until it was so obvious she felt it would be weirder not to mention. 

“If you hated my cooking you could’ve told me before. The brain injury was a little excessive.” She tried to play it off as a joke, but Sara’s heart wasn’t in it. Not while Ava was so clearly distressed.

Ava, for her part, managed to pull a weak smile onto her face. Her eyes remained downcast. 

“Ava, really, I can make something else if you want.” Ava shook her head at the comment, confirming Sara’s suspicions this wasn’t about the food.

“I’m just in a mood. The food is great, I love chicken piccata.”

Sara wanted to tell her she knew, of course she knew, that’s why she made the dish in the first place. Instead, she morphed her face into what Sara hoped was an understanding expression, tried to display every ounce of tenderness and care and _I’m here for you_ she could. She wouldn’t force Ava to talk though. 

Ava was ready to. “I don’t know what I want out of dinner tomorrow, now that I know.” 

Sara knew what she wanted out of it: to wipe the smug expression Randy wore off his face. Especially after he suggested divorce. 

Sara wouldn’t necessarily describe herself as quick to anger. Quick to annoy maybe, but not quick to anger. Rage built itself inside Sara over the course of repeated actions and betrayals. Ava’s “family” was the exception. The first time she learned of Morgan, Randy, and Pam, Sara swore she was ready to split the sky with lightning bolts of her white fury. They were just a few weeks into dating at that point, but Sara would have jumped the next flight to Miami in a heartbeat to try and wound the people who destroyed Ava’s trust. 

Not that violence was the answer, but wouldn’t they all deserve what came to them?

Rehashing the truth and watching it affect Ava all over again was enough to bring back the resentment Sara managed to temper down over the years. Now flames of anger licked Sara’s ankles and dared her to feed.

“You still want to go?” The incredulity was impossible to keep out of Sara’s voice. It didn’t make sense. Why Ava would want to waste the time with those people?

“They’re here. I have to.”

Sara didn’t know Ava to be defeated like that. “You don’t have to. They’re terrible. Why would you even give them the time of day?” 

Maybe Sara shouldn’t be protesting this way. Maybe she should be feeling out Ava and her reaction. Not that Ava knew how she really felt, beyond conflicted.

“I’m not going to forgive them. But I’ll also never hear the end of it if we don't do dinner.”

Sure they would. Ava would do what she did years ago and block their numbers, tell her parents never to contact her again. Even though Ava since removed the harsh barriers on her end, Randy and Pam never made an effort to reach out. Skipping out on _dinner_ was not the end of the world.

But Ava seemed set. Despite Sara’s resolute confidence that they deserved nothing more than to be completely cut off forever, she was willing to try and be cordial for Ava’s sake.

“Then we try dinner. Maybe they apologize and are perfect parents and you think about starting fresh.” The words felt foreign coming out of Sara’s mouth. Far too willing to concede than normal. “And if they don’t, we leave the second you want to. No questions asked.” 

It wasn’t the worst plan she ever had. Except there was also the chance they would appear in the restaurant and Sara would be consumed by the hatred lingering within her. 

“I’ll do my best to not start a fight with your parents. Sorry about this morning by the way.” This morning wasn’t exactly a fight. Not in the way Sara wanted to at least. 

“Don’t apologize Sara, they’re…” _the worst_ “how they are.” 

Still, it was a better plan than anything else Ava could come up with, her options boiling down to ghosting on dinner or pretending nothing was wrong and shoving her feelings down for all of eternity. At least Sara’s plan gave her an out and a chance to decide for herself.

The dining room in the downtown Ritz Carlton was immaculately put together, much in the way Pam and Randy appeared. Much in the way Sara didn’t feel. She tugged uncomfortably on her tights, happy she’d assumed the fanciest for tonight’s dinner. 

“I’ll take the 15 ounce aged wagyu and my wife will have the duck breast.” Randy spoke meticulously to their server, as if he were putting on a show. Sara didn’t know why he was trying so hard to prove a point; she was more than capable of sitting in a stuffy restaurant and ordering an overpriced dish, especially when it was for Ava.

Randy was oblivious to Ava's demeanor from the start. It’s not like her parents knew Sara revealed the truth of their past, but the fact that her father was this blasé to her emotions didn’t sit well. 

As the server left, Randy raised his glass in attention. “I would like to propose a toast in honor of Ava. I am so blessed to have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful wife in my life. The past few years have been far too empty without us together. May we find joy in the fact that Ava is no longer lost, back with us again.”

Sara observed Ava throughout the speech, watched as her hand gripped down on the leather booth. If this were normal times, Sara would slip her hand right over Ava’s and give it a tight hold. Instead, she just watched as Ava took a dry swallow. 

The inaccuracy of Randy’s toast wasn’t missed by any of the women at the table. Ava was lost, but not to her parents. That was not an accident, but a choice prompted by their actions. Randy pretended otherwise.

“To family.” They raised their glasses and repeated the phrase. 

It was the perfect setup for the Sharpes to launch a polite interrogation into Sara.

“So Sara, tell us about your family. You close with them? See them often?”

“No.” Short. Succinct. Sara didn’t intend to give them more than she had to. 

Pam chirped up, her voice laced with mock authenticity. “That’s a shame.” She may as well have tsked. 

“It’s just my sister and I. My parents passed a few years back. She lives in Star City, so we don’t see each other as much as we’d prefer.” 

“Laurel’s the D.A.,” Ava cut in, giving a sharp look to her parents. 

“That’s quite impressive. Ava could’ve been a D.A.” 

The backhanded statement was anything but subtle. For two parents who claimed they wanted their daughter back in their life, they really weren’t doing a good job at it. 

Pam diverted the attention back to Sara. “And what is it that you do dear?”

“I’m an Athletic Trainer. Right now I tend to a swimming and football team.”

“Which pro team?” 

Ava winced at her dad’s brazen remark. He really had to try and set a trap there. How had she dealt with him all these years?

“Local high school.” Sara took a sip of her wine then flashed a Botox smile, dared Randy to try and make her visibly insecure. The suggestion of divorce echoed in her head, twisted like a knife each time Randy made a dig at her. Sara wasn’t about to let it show.

The conversation was mercifully interrupted by the arrival of appetizers and the dialogue managed to remain civil until dessert, when Randy just had to open his mouth again. 

“So Ava, your mother and I have been talking, and we really think you should come home with us. There’s no point in remaining here when you don’t have your job tying you anymore.”

“I still have a job,” Ava pointed out, “I’m on medical leave. As long as I return within five months I’ll still have my full position.” 

“Then there’s no point in staying here when you don’t have a place.”

“Sara and I have a house.” 

“It seems to me it’s more Sara’s house now, what with you not remembering it and all. Don’t you feel like a guest, just invading?”

Ava kicked herself for how spot on he was. It didn’t feel like her house, not really. But neither would her parents’ place. She wasn’t about to walk into a house owned by someone so deplorable.

“It’s both of ours. Besides, the doctor recommended my normal routine.”

“But wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a place with more… amenities?”

His tone was far too familiar; she’d heard it a hundred times growing up in a house filled to the brim with both money and judgement. Ava huffed, her words rising in cadence. “Fortunately, I don’t need backyard tennis courts to keep me comfortable.”

“And thank goodness for that,” Pam started up. Her eyes flicked to Sara as she resumed, “because you’d never be able to afford them with a glorified P.E. coach salary.”

Sara miraculously had stayed silent thus far, only observing the back and forth. Every fiber of her being screamed to release hell. She bit her tongue to keep herself from interjecting. An unusual move on Sara’s part, but the fire burning in Ava’s eyes told her she wanted to handle this herself. 

Ava turned to Sara. “We should go.” 

The taller woman looked deadly serious; a ferocity fueled her expression. They agreed no questions asked, and Sara wasn’t about to break their agreement. It was Pam and Randy who questioned why with shrill voices.

“I thought I’d give you a fair chance, but it seems even with years to look at how you treat me your behavior is the same. You’d think after what you did to me you’d be begging to be in my life.”

Pam and Randy responded simultaneously.

“Sara, you told her?”

“Ava, you remember?”

Sara slid out of the booth with her jaw locked down, her wife following immediately behind. Ava turned to her parents and shook her head. 

“I appreciate you flying in when I called. I hope it wasn’t too big of an inconvenience. I wish you the best.”

Ava grabbed Sara’s hand as she led them out of the restaurant. They stood tensely at the valet while the attendant ran far too slowly to fetch their car. As Sara returned to the stand to implore why their vehicle was still missing after six painfully long minutes, a presence came up behind Ava.

Pam spoke softly. “I know you’ll never understand, but-”

“No, I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you could stay with him or how you could waltz into my hospital room and not even apologize.” Ava’s tone was even, almost indifferent. No fluctuations to reveal how upset she truly was.

“We stick by the people we love, for better or for worse.” 

“Well you didn’t stick by Ava.” Sara appeared by Ava’s side, a protective hand hovering at her wife’s lower back. “Car’s here.” 

If Pam had more to say, it was shut down. She made no move to reconnect further, no attempt to cross the abyss between her and Ava now that Sara was there. The silence was taken as a cue to leave with little more than a goodbye.

The façade of detachment was broken as soon as the car doors slammed shut. It seemed the anger that neglected to rear its head when Ava first found the news was coming to life.

“I can’t stand them. How can they just sit there and pretend nothing was wrong and then just _dig_ at you like that? How do they just continue to treat me like a child who is a disappointment after what they did? Like, what the fuck, that’s my father! And my fiancée! And then they just sit here and, and--” Ava’s hands were flailing wildly as she spoke, her voice rising and falling. “And my mother, she’s just as bad. How could she stay with him? For better or for worse, what kind of crap is that?”

Sara let Ava rant. She swallowed the urge to reach a hand down to her knee for comfort. Even after years, it wasn’t uncommon for Ava to find herself in a bad mood when something reminded her of her fiancée and father’s treacherous behavior. This was hardly uncalled for.

“God, I should have let you tell me before. I should’ve asked before I called them. We could have avoided this dinner. I shouldn’t have dragged you through this.” 

“Hey, no,” Sara started, her voice gentle, “we’re in this together. I know a lot about your family, Aves. I knew what I was walking into.” _And it’s my fault anyways._ Sara neglected to tell Ava for two weeks in the hospital. She failed to bring it up before Ava placed the phone call. And she was the reason Ava’s memory was missing to begin with.

“Some part of me wanted to give them a second chance. I don’t know why I hoped they would change, but they pulled the same old shit from when I was a teenager and used my amnesia as an excuse to pretend they did nothing wrong.”

Silence draped overhead, the only noise the rumbling from under the tires. Ava was processing. Slowly. A gear churning at a buffering pace. Even though the news started to sink in the night before, witnessing her parents in action was something else. It’s not like Ava expected differently, but she hoped. 

Ava hoped for a recognition or apology. Not like her dad ever apologized to her before, but six years of no contact was enough time to change. Parents begging graciously at her feet to have her in their lives, she hoped for that.

Rather, they managed to make her feel like the family black sheep in just a short meal. It was no wonder she’d left school after cutting her parents out. Nothing would make them happy with her decisions. She had to be responsible for her own.

They failed her. This time for good.

The silence was broken by Sara. “Look at the bright side.” She turned enough to see she’d piqued Ava’s interest. “At least we got a free dinner out of it, I mean, foie gras? Come on.”

Ava let out a small snort. It wasn’t a full belly laugh by any means, but it was enough for Sara to count as a success. It felt like a small victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So essentially her parents suckkkk, but at least Ava has someone on her side
> 
> next up: Ava talks to someone about her feelings on Sara


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday! A warning that this one is dialogue heavy folks

After showers and pajamas, the duo found themselves in the living room, Sara sprawled across the couch while Ava relaxed in the recliner. A documentary about ocean life ran on the television. 

Ava was engrossed in the film, commenting every so often on the cinematography or adding a fun fact to one the narrator was explaining. Sara took in the moment. 

For a bit it felt like everything was normal. Domestic. Her wife was next to her, the troubles of the evening had passed. Ava would surely need more time to process the hurt, but for now Ava appeared to have a handle on her emotions. Suppression was an amazing tactic.

Hands flew rapidly as Ava explained the budding of coral. Sara got lost in Ava's smile, her heart yearning to reach out and grab Ava and tell her how much she loves her. 

Sara hadn’t said the words to Ava since she first woke up and _god_ did it make her feel empty. Their relationship used to be filled with terms of endearment, constant touches, small affirmations of their connection. A small tap on the rear as they passed each other in the hall, fingers dancing lazy lines up forearms during a conversation. Spontaneous neck kisses and hand holds and pinkie promises. They’d all but evaporated. Sara longed for the past. 

She’d just have to create it again.

It was hard to describe the emptiness Sara felt. Ava was so close to her, yet seemed a million miles away. Not that Ava wasn’t trying; she seemed to genuinely want to get to know the woman she married.

It didn’t change the fact the things they shared in the past were gone, and coping with that was easier said than done. As much as Sara wanted to fill Ava in on every detail of her life, she was conflicted by what Ava might desire. Maintaining an abundance of caution was the only thing Sara could think to do. 

Even at the expense of her own heart.

As she sat a few feet apart from Ava, Sara flicked through some of the highlights of the past years together. There was nothing she wanted more than to build their relationship back up. When Ava was ready.

She was pulled out of her reflections when Ava paused the movie. “You’re staring.” 

“You wish,” Sara answered, paired with a cocky smile. 

Because what else was she supposed to say? I just can’t stop thinking about the way you smile and the blue in your eyes and the life we’ve built together and how to bring that back?

Ava let out a noncommittal hum, eyed Sara like she didn’t believe her. 

“Tomorrow you’ll be gone for a bit, right? Work?”

Sara nodded in answer. “Yeah, first day of summer football camp. I’ll be getting back to some regular hours. Gotta get those kids ready to kick ass.”

“You’ll be back in time to take me to my counseling appointment at four?”

“Already in the calendar, babe.”

The pet name slipped out without thinking. Sara grimaced; she’d been doing good with trying to keep some of the romantic phrases out of conversation. Ava’s breath hitched at the endearment, but she let it pass and resumed the documentary. The two relaxed into David Attenborough’s soothing voice and each other’s presence.   
  


The following afternoon, Sara stood by Ray’s side. A team of sweaty teenage bodies ran downfield from them performing their first day of preseason conditioning. Ray doubled as the school’s football coach and a teacher in the technology department. When Sara was first hired on two years prior, Ray was the first to welcome her in. His sunshiny personality easily broke past the stoic front she wore with the players. 

She quickly fell in with some of the other staff members after Ray hosted a Back-to-School mixer at his house. It was at that event where Nora and Ava first met and immediately clicked over a shared love of books and hot chocolate with caramel sauce (the details of how the second point came up were still fuzzy to Sara). 

The married couple were close with Sara and Ava both. Ray and Nora spent almost as many days in the hospital as Sara during Ava’s comatose period and were equally concerned with her recovery.

Once the players were set on a circuit, Ray asked how Ava was doing.

“She’s doing alright. We had dinner with her parents last night.” Ray cringed. “Exactly. It went about as well as you would think.” 

Not one person in their friend group was under the delusion that Ava’s parents were good people. Relatively private as Ava kept some aspects of her past, Sara was never able to hide her disdain for the family.

“And how are you doing with all of it?”

“I’m killing it. Like you even need to ask.”

Ray knew better. He lifted a brow.

“Really, I’m good. It’s weird in some ways, like I’ve been tiptoeing around her. We’re pretty comfortable around each other, so that’s good.” 

At least, they were getting more comfortable. Two weeks of talking nonstop in the hospital got Ava familiar with Sara. 

Ray gave a disarming look. Try as she might to insist everything was good, Ray was all too familiar with her tendency to hide her feelings. The wall fell just slightly, revealing a hint of the truth.

“I miss her so much. I know she’s right there, and she’s still the same person to me, but I’m not to her.”

“Well, you two will be back in no time. You love each other.” Leave it to Ray to believe the power of love was enough to fix anything “Have you gotten close to doing anything?”

“Definitely not. I’m not trying to push for anything at all. I think we’re both just hoping she remembers soon and that the feelings will come back with it.” Sara didn’t want to consider the implications if they didn’t.

Ray was quick to construct a plan centered around love. He wanted big gestures and grand romance. There was no way he was about to watch Sara and Ava stay apart for long. Love letters and red roses were his style and if he had anything to do with it there would be reconnection in their future. 

Sara was happy to let the musing go on, even if she did call Ray a fool a few times. This lavish scheme of wooing her wife was almost crazy enough to work. Ray really had a way to make even the wildest ideas sound palatable.

Eventually the conversation turned away from winning Ava back.

“Nora misses her a lot. I’m pretty sure she’s talked more about Ava in the past two months than in the almost two years they’ve been friends.” 

Sara gave a sweet smile. Their friendship was endearing. “I’ve been really selfish Ray. I should have asked how you guys were doing with this. I know you haven’t seen her since she woke up.”

“It would be nice to see her, I’ve been working on some scrapbooks to show her.” Of course Ray was. “But we know she probably needed space. We don’t want to overwhelm her.” 

“We should do dinner soon. I’ll ask how she feels about it?” 

“We’d love that. We can bring Zari and Amaya too!”

“Baby steps, Palmer,” Sara chastised, but a smile was all over her face at the concept of her friends and Ava back together again. 

Sara arrived back at the house to see Ava in her familiar perch on the hammock, a book in hand. One could only hope this would be the start of a new routine, at least until Ava was given the clear to drive. Ava noticed her arrival and slid inside, apparently more than ready for the upcoming appointment. 

“You’re like my personal chauffeur,” Ava commented in the car.

Sara let out a chuckle. “A bit ironic considering you prefer to be the driver.” A look of disapproval was sent her way. “Come on, I know you’ve been thinking it.”

“I mean, you could stop a little earlier before the stop signs.”

Ava’s voice was jestful, but the comment stung. The realization Ava might not know she was the one who drove the night of the accident crashed down on Sara. Her grip tightened around the wheel, but she brought a smile to her face anyway.

“Excited for therapy?” 

“I’m not sure excited is the right word. Who gets that excited about telling their feelings to a stranger? Yulch.”

That they could agree on. It wasn’t exactly an experience Sara was dying to have. Ava continued to comment on the appointment.

“I’m sure it’ll be helpful. If I hate it I always have the option to go somewhere else. Or stop going completely.”

“Now that’s the spirit. I love a quitter.” 

It was Ava’s turn to let out a small laugh. “I bet you think you’re funny, don’t you?” 

_You used to think I was funny_. Rather than voice her thoughts, Sara answered with: “I’ve been thinking of taking up stand-up.” 

Ava rolled her eyes in a false look of annoyance. “Maybe save yourself the trouble.”

In an imitation of shock, Sara’s hand palmed her chest dramatically as her mouth dropped open. 

The car slowed as they pulled into a parking lot. Ava took in a centering breath as she read the front door: _Dr. Gideon Hunter, M.D., LMHC._

  
  


The chair in Dr. Hunter’s office was a little too hard for Ava to be comfortable in. She sat stick-straight across from the dark-haired woman, her muscles tense.

“So, Ava, I’ve read over your case files from your neurologist at Emory. I have to say, your situation sounds quite stressful.” Gideon wore a pleasant smile. Her voice was equally soothing, her British accent like butter.

Ava grunted in agreement. 

“I’d like to start with hearing how you’re feeling, if you feel up to sharing that is.”

She nodded slowly, let out a long puff of air. “I’m not exactly sure where to start, Dr. Hunter.” 

“You can call me Gideon. And wherever you’d like, your first thought will do.”

“I really wish I had my memory back.” Understatement of the century.

Gideon smiled at her. “I’d bet.”

“It’s quite confusing not knowing so many things about my own life. I don’t even know myself.”

“Sure you do. But I’m hearing you say you feel a little powerless at the situation. Would that be accurate?”

Ava tilted her head, gave a silent yes. 

“Would it be a stretch of the imagination to say you don’t love giving up control?”

“It’s not my favorite activity.” Not by a long shot. 

“I can see why this is more than frustrating for you. What do you think would happen if your memories came back today?”

“Everything would be back to how it’s supposed to be. I’d know my friends, be able to hop back into work, feel comfortable around Sara.” 

“And Sara is?” Gideon paused with her pen tapped to her chin.

“My wife.”

“You feel uncomfortable around her?” 

Ava’s eyes dipped down as Gideon scrolled a few notes down on the pad in her lap. “Can I ask what you’re writing?”

“Just a few notes so I can document this encounter. It’s helpful for me to have a refresher before our next session. If you’d prefer I can write them after.”

She turned her head left to right, she’d simply been curious.

“So, Sara. She makes you uncomfortable?”

“Not her, no. Sara… she’s great.” Ava was finding that to be true. She had to admit Sara was captivating. Even with the just short of tactful jokes, the bad puns she made, and the reckless stories she told, Sara was nothing short of a good person. And she was struggling. Ava could tell as much.

“It’s the situation that’s unsettling. Imagine you woke up tomorrow and your significant other was replaced with a total stranger. You can see how much they care about you. There’s little signs everywhere that they know you so well. And you can’t reciprocate, because you hardly know them.”

Gideon gave a sympathetic look. “Would you like to be able to reciprocate the feelings?”

“Of course.” 

“And why is that?”

The question left Ava stunned for several seconds. “She’s my wife. I know since I married her it means I cared about her immensely. I want to have that feeling back. And I can see it in Sara’s eyes. This is killing her. There’s been a hundred little moments where it just looks like her heart is breaking.”

With a wave of her hand, Gideon willed her to go on. 

“Last night she accidentally called me babe. As soon as the word slipped out she physically recoiled, like it hurt her to say. There’s been a couple times where her hand twitched out to grab mine and she’s forced herself to stop. It’s like she wants to be close to me, but can’t. I can’t imagine what she’s going through, having a ghost of me here.”

“You’re not a ghost of anyone, Ava. You’re simply you.” How simple and analytical the response was, almost computer-like.

Ava let out a labored exhale. “I’m not the person she fell in love with.”

“You’re the person that you are. No one’s previous recollection of you changes that.”

The words sat uncomfortably with Ava. “I just want my memories back. Then I can be the person I was to her and everyone else in my life.” 

“Have you considered how you’d feel if your memories do come back?”

Ava questioned how she meant. Wouldn’t she feel phenomenal if her memories came back?

“Picture a scenario in which your memories return tonight. How does that make tomorrow look differently?”

“For starters, my wife would probably be out of the guest bedroom and in our bed. We’d start the day with normal things together. I’d be able to play my pieces for work easily, get back to the orchestra sooner. Jump back into my life, not be someone who knows nothing about it. Everything would be fixed.”

“I think you’re being a little too optimistic with that fantasy.”

A crinkle appeared between Ava’s brows. “Maybe it should be your turn to elaborate?”

“Sure, Ava. If your memory came back tonight, you’d still remember everything that happened since you woke up. The slate wouldn’t just be cleared. I believe you’d have much difficulty reconciling these feelings of guilt and confusion about Sara with your previous romantic attraction. The adjustment would not be seamless.”

She crossed her arms in defense. Here Ava’d been hoping she would open her eyes tomorrow and be filled with love for Sara and a knowledge of everything else in her life.

“Have you considered the possibility that your memory won’t return?”

“Yeah. Unfortunately, I’ve thought about it at length.” The alternative sucked.

“Are you willing to share?”

“I’m terrified. It’s like rebuilding a whole world. Except I have to slot myself into these spaces I don’t remember.”

“You don’t have to slot yourself into any spaces.”

“Sure I do. I have friends I’m close with, a relationship, a house, a job. A really prestigious job actually. I don’t want to lose those things because I know I worked so hard to get them.” 

The things Ava knew of her life seemed to point to being the happiest she’d ever been. Ask the Ava from years before what her future looked like and it would have been her parents' dreams: law degree, working for a big corporation, minimalist furniture in a house far too big for one person, a partner with an equally imposing job and personality. 

Not a solid group of friends. Not a house with a garden and hammock and admittedly eclectic décor. Certainly Ava never foresaw she would still play music; it was fight enough to get her undergraduate degree in it, her parents only tolerating the idea because she was attending a school with a well known pre-law program. 

Backsliding to the life she had before was not an option.

“Then you’ll need to dive into your life rather than focus on the missing past. If things come back to you, that’s fantastic. If not, it’s more productive to keep moving forward.”

Productivity. Ava could vibe with that.

“How do I do that with my relationships?”

“For your friends I suggest you simply start seeing them. Acknowledge there’s things you won’t remember, then form new memories. Your connection with them may look different than in the past, but for your true friends it shouldn’t matter. With Sara, I recommend you try to remove any expectations of yourself, especially around feelings of love. Treat her as a friend, someone you know and care about and want to get to know more. That is if you do want to know her. If you want some space you’re entitled to it as well.”

Ava negated the last statement. She wanted to be close to Sara, she wanted to try.

“Do you feel responsible? For how Sara is feeling?”

Of course Ava did. 

“I’m the reason she’s distressed. Every time I have a reaction that’s different from what she’s prepared for she has to completely reframe her image of me. It feels like I’m not meeting her expectations. And I know it hurts her. All I do is remind her of what she’s lost.” 

Try as she might to hide it, Sara’s disappointment was plain to read every time Ava failed to do something that was apparently normal behavior. It was already getting hard not to feel bogged down by the feelings of inadequacy. 

“Ava, I’m sure that’s not true.”

“It feels true. It’s like I died.”

“You’re far from dead. You’re sitting right here, in my office.” 

A corporeal being without the mental nuances of the past did not a person make. 

“A version of me died. The one that matters to her.”

That couldn’t be further from the truth. There was no version of Ava Sara didn’t care about, didn’t want in her life. The Ava who had anxieties, the Ava who was regimented to a fault, the Ava who was happy to join Sara for a round of sparring at the gym and follow it up with a lazy night. Or the version of her who did none of those things. The core aspects of Ava were still there, and that was what mattered.

Gideon let out a sigh. “Do you know how the accident occurred?”

In a tell she didn’t know, Ava’s eyes narrowed.

“When you feel ready it may be helpful to look into the accident report. I think you’ll find it was out of your control. It was a freak incident that caused this scenario, not any of your wrongdoing. You have to find a way to let go of the responsibility for Sara’s feelings.” 

Ava’s head bobbed a few times as she took in the words. 

“Therapy may also be a useful tool for her, if you feel comfortable suggesting it.”

Ava fell silent. Her eyes glanced to the clock in the corner of the room. The session still had half of the time left. 

“What do I do if I don’t fall back in love with her?” The million dollar question.

Gideon held her breath imperceptibly. “I’m not sure I have an exact answer, but I do know you can’t force those feelings to return. They may occur organically. There’s the chance they also never bloom, in which case, you and Sara will have to have a discussion about what is best for you both. You may want to have one now, about how you feel towards your relationship.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I don’t know exactly how I feel.”

“And that’s quite alright. There are no easy answers for this situation. It is a bit out of the ordinary.”

In all of Gideon’s prior research, she’d been unable to find well documented cases with such prolonged retrograde amnesia. Normally this sort of episodic memory loss was of a time period close to the traumatic event. Eventually the memories returned as the brain learned to retrieve them. With Ava’s case, however, there were no guarantees.

“Should I continue with the assumption my memories will never return?”

“As someone with an advanced degree in Neurobiology, I know for a fact that brain functions are in no way set in stone. It would be a disservice to yourself to assume they will definitely come back, just as it would be harmful to ignore the idea of them returning. We can discuss techniques to help you prepare for both situations if you’d like?”

For the remainder of the hour, Ava and Gideon worked up courses of action related to her memories. They touched on the events with her parents and Morgan, tactics for moving forward, and how to develop her relationship with Sara. 

Gideon sent Ava home with a packet of “homework”, readings on her condition and different activities designed to help Ava focus on what she could control of her situation. When she returned to the car, she felt more in control of her emotions than she had since waking up, even if she didn’t like everything Gideon said. It was a relief to talk to someone, especially about Sara.

She opened the passenger side door to be accosted with the scent of fries. Sara had her hand pushed into a paper bag from Five Guys. The gleam of grease shone across her lips. 

“I picked up your favorite stomach ruiner. Figured you might be hungry after an hour of straight talking.” Small gifts of love were step one in Ray Palmer’s master plan.

Ava reached into the bag and pulled out a handful of Cajun-style fries. They were the perfect combination of salt and oil. A guilty pleasure snack of hers. “Seems you know me too well.”

Which only served to highlight how much Sara knew of Ava, and how little Ava knew back. Ava craved to understand more of her.

Sara shifted out of the parking lot before asking how the session went. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want. I’m sure it was personal.”

“That’s alright.” Ava pondered what to tell her. “We talked about a few uncomfortable things.”

“Oh?” Sara’s response was neutral; she kept enough emotion out of her tone that it gave Ava a choice whether or not to dive into greater details. 

“She told me I shouldn’t get my hopes up about my memory coming back. I should instead focus on creating new memories, and if I do get the gaps filled in, it'll just be a bonus.” 

In contemplation, Sara pushed her lips to the side. She tried to come up with a witty comeback, but fell short. What came out instead was, “That sucks.”

Not exactly an eloquent response, but Ava was thinking the same.

“We also talked a bit about you.”

Sara’s head jerked to the right, a flash of fear on her face. It was quickly covered with a conceited smile. “Oh yeah?”

Swaggering. Ava could add that to the list of things she knew of Sara. “Told her all about your ego.”

“Oh, I’m the one with the ego? Sure. You’re the one with a personal driver at your disposal.”

The playful ambiance died down as Ava resumed with the details of her session. “We talked about the expectations for our marriage and how to handle them.”

Expectations. Right. 

The high of talking to Ray about earning Ava’s love flew away, replaced by the dreaded _divorce_ looming overhead. Initially the words were rejected on impact, after all, the suggestion came from Randy. Then Sara rejected it because there was no way she was separating from her wife. But if Ava was talking about expectations then maybe she wasn’t feeling anything towards Sara. 

“I don’t know how you feel, but I’m hoping everything we used to have just flies back somehow. I’m not sure that’s realistic.”

Gideon mentioned it was extremely unlikely everything would happen at once. The idea of a complete burst playing like a movie was as far fetched as the plot of a Hollywood romance. If, and it was a big if, her past returned, it was more likely to be small details and flashes that revealed themselves.

Sara’s face twisted into a frown. This was somehow worse than all the news she’d received in months prior. Everyone so far had said if they followed a regular routine, Ava would recall the past. Ava’s heart broke as she watched the change in Sara’s demeanor. She tried to heed Gideon’s advice and push away the guilt. 

“Believe me when I say I want to be in love with you the way I know you are with me. I’m just not there. It may be best to put those hopes off the table, at least for now. Let things happen organically.”

Sara nodded, put up a closed-lip smile on her face, tried to pretend her heart didn’t just fall out of her stomach and onto the floor as her wife said she wasn’t in love with her. “That sounds… logical. Knew I picked a smart one.” 

It also hurt. 

Organically was a hard word to interpret. If Sara tried to woo Ava, she might feel like she was being forced upon. On the other hand, Sara wasn’t the person to not try.

“I’m not sure if this is my place to suggest, but she also implied therapy might be beneficial for you as well.”

“Laurel suggested the same thing.” 

“Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to look into it. If you want.”

“I’ll think about it.” She didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to think about expectations or separation or anything else.

All Sara wanted was to turn back the clocks nine weeks. She wanted their life back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *a quick disclaimer that I recognize this may not be the most accurate depiction of therapy, it certainly doesn't reflect my personal experiences, but it is the experience that I'm putting in for Ava
> 
> in next chapter: Sara opens up to Ava


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cheers to the weekend y'all! This has been an absolutely hellish week, but I'm so pumped to cap it off with a new chapter
> 
> Also, this fic has **102** subscribers which is **mind-blowing**! I can't begin to express how much it means that people are connecting with these words and are ready for what happens next! Thanks to everyone who has left comments, kudos, bookmarks etc. It's wild and makes my heart so happy

For the next three weeks, the couple tried to settle into a new routine. 

Ava followed Gideon’s advice to move forward with her future. She reached out to her friends, starting with Nora. While the first twenty minutes of their interactions were awkward, the feeling was swiftly overcome by both the brunette’s friendliness and wryness. It was clear to Ava why they were close, and they fell right into their standard groove. 

Whereas Sara seemed to walk on eggshells, hold back on account of Ava, Nora had no qualms. Without reservation, Nora jumped into her role as best friend, making sure to tell Ava there was no way she’d be okay with not working for her future. She pushed her just hard enough, sometimes with a few well-placed backhands (Ava quickly learned Nora had a habit of swatting those around her). While she did so, Nora provided perspective outside of the sphere of Sara. 

Ava allowed herself time with the rest of the group as well. Her and Nate attended historical trivia night, her knowledge of the recorded past still holding up despite missing recent years. Semantics and objective facts stuck well with Ava. Gary invited her over for DnD with some of the other orchestra members. She found herself at ease with that part of her old life.

They did dinner with Ray, Nora, Amaya, and Zari. As Ray presented two complete scrapbooks of photos, ticket stubs, and mementos, Ava found herself pleasantly surprised. It was natural how she seemed to fit in with everyone. These people felt more like family after just a few encounters than her family did her entire life.

Even if they did seem rambunctious. And motley. And maybe a bit of a mess. Still, Ava could see they adored each other.

When not trying to improve her relationships, Ava busied herself at home. She took time to weed the garden, brought the soil into tip-top shape to regrow some of the herbs that were wilting in her absence. She picked up her violin for the first time since the accident (and in her mind since she finished her degree) and was astonished by how much her fingers remembered. Muscle memory was a blessing. Ava began rehearsing all the pieces she could find sheet music for to get back to the level she needed for work. 

In moments Sara was gone, Ava searched the house for reminders of their relationship. In the same way the timeline had patched in some missing years, Ava attempted to fill the gaps in their personal history. She watched the video of their wedding, listened to promises to protect, to honor, to trust in each other. 

The gallery on her phone was packed to the brim with innumerable photos of the two of them where Ava looked begrudging (she always hated selfies), but hearts reflected from Sara’s eyes. Videos displayed Sara dancing, surprisingly coordinated, in the kitchen, showed off martial arts skills with Amaya on the beach. 

Ava’s favorite clip to watch featured Ray and Nate behind the camera as they mocked being “so in love you couldn’t even part to sleep” before the screen flipped to reveal Ava shut-eyed with her head in Sara’s lap. It was amazing how affectionate Sara could look as she gave the boys a view of her middle finger.

Piecing together those moments left Ava both full of emotion and completely gutted. She was trying though, she could say that much.

Sara’s weeks were divided between work and home. Conditioning plans were designed to whip the football team into shape. She let herself fall back into the individual training she’d neglected after the accident, returning to the boxing gym on a more regular schedule. Trekked onward like working her body to death would help her heart heal. 

Ava seemed less troubled as she put the pieces of her life together. The newfound confidence allowed them to relax more around each other. In the evenings, the duo found themselves doing small things as a unit: watching movies, working on puzzles, or simply sitting in the living room together as they worked on individual tasks.

It was a far cry from the relationship they’d had before, more amicable roommates than anything, but the expectations they’d act as wives were now gone. For Ava at least. It allowed Ava to get to know Sara and enjoy her simple company. With only a few awkward moments in between.

Just a few days after her discharge from the hospital, Ava was in the shower, had just finished rinsing the conditioner from her ends, when she opened her eyes to see a figure through the glass door. 

“Jesus!” Two of the bottles flew off of the shelf as Ava flung herself to face the back wall, arms grabbing everywhere in an attempt to cover herself.

Sara jerked around in surprise, her headphones flinging out as she did so. When she returned from the gym with a plan to rinse off, she’d expected Ava to be in the same hammock position she left her in. With her music playing, she didn’t hear the noise of water flowing. 

“Oh my god, Ava, I’m so sorry! I thought you’d still be outside.”

Against better judgement, Sara snuck a look back over her shoulder to see Ava guarding her breasts. It was possible no one’s face had ever been more red. Sara tried to stifle a laugh, she really did try, but giggles leaked her way out of her mouth at the absurdity of the situation. 

Ava’s tongue peeked out from between her lips, her expression attempting anger, but melting away at the sound of laughter from Sara. She suppressed the smile creeping up her face. “This is not funny.”

The lilt in her voice indicated it was, at the very least, a little funny. 

“I mean, it’s not like I haven’t seen them before.” If this were a different time, Sara would make a comment about co-showering. Knowing that was more than a little inappropriate, she traded for something a little milder. With a waggle of her brows, Sara added, “Killer bod.”

Ava eased a little, her arms going slack along with the exasperation on her face. _Very funny_. “You should really knock.” 

Awkward encounters came a few more times, but they were overshadowed by Ava learning more about Sara. Little things, like how Sara seemed to leave every single kitchen cabinet just slightly open. The way she stuck post-it notes to every surface of the house so as not to forget her responsibilities.

Ava discovered her proclivity for downright disgusting food combinations - pickles and peanut butter weren’t okay by Ava in any universe, even if Sara claimed Ava loved the pairing -, the way Sara thought a pizza cutter was an unnecessary kitchen utensil, the role better served by a long scissor. When Ava uncovered _that_ detail she at least managed to talk Sara into using a sharp knife to divide the slices, only to discover some impressive, if not concerning, knife skills. 

Try as Sara might to keep it hidden, Ava also saw someone wearing a brave face, hurting but masking it with a collected pout. Or a well-timed innuendo (sometimes Sara seemed to be filled with nothing but). 

A few times, Ava attempted to break past that wall, only to have Sara tell her everything was fine. She let it go with a look of doubt, figuring eventually Sara would open up.

Just as much as Ava gathered about Sara, she discovered about herself. After the same disastrous shower session where Sara walked in, Ava discovered a tattoo: a bundle of forget-me-nots between her shoulder blades. Because of course she’d gotten a tattoo and _of course_ it was that on the nose for the situation.

In the past six years she’d also apparently become more relaxed, trading the pantsuits she donned in college for jeans and boots in her daily life.

She asked Sara to tell the stories of some of the items she’d been curious about: souvenirs from a trip to Japan, pictures of Ava, Sara, Ray, and Nora covered in neon powder after two players on the football team convinced them to do a Color Run. Some pictures, like the ones from their wedding, Ava didn’t ask about.

Seeing the look of longing in Sara’s eyes was hard enough to deal with without her inquisition. What she gathered privately Ava kept for herself.

As Ava felt herself growing closer platonically, Sara tried to pull away romantically. She found herself trying to stifle her feelings for Ava, shoving them away in a locked drawer then throwing away the key. It wasn’t as if she wanted to get over her wife, but each time she found herself accidentally crossing a line, the overcorrection stung. She tried to fool herself into caring less. At least this way the inevitable hurt of Ava’s memories remaining lost might wound her less. 

The duo were enjoying an evening, Ava on the recliner reading a book, Sara slumped over the coffee table as she worked on injury prevention plans, when a thought occurred to Ava. She’d just witnessed Sara rub the heel of her palm into her right lower back, a scowl on her face.

“Is the mattress in the guest room comfortable?”

“What?” The confusion was plain in Sara’s voice.

“You were rubbing your back. Is the mattress okay?”

“Oh, that. It’s nothing.” It clearly wasn’t nothing. “The mattress isn’t bad, it's just leftover pain from the accident.”

“You should sleep in the master tonight,” Ava offered. Sara shook her head with fervor in an attempt to shut the taller woman down. “Come on, you know the bed is heavenly.”

“I’m not going to kick you out of your own room Ava.”

“It’s our room. I think I can handle the guest bedroom for a bit. You’ve been in it for weeks.”

Sara wasn’t ready to give in. “The guest room isn’t as nice.”

It was a weak protest, but how was Sara supposed to sleep alone in _their_ bed? When Ava failed to look convinced, Sara tried again.

“The comforter is scratchy. You know you’d hate that.”

“Oh my god, Sara, I’m sure we have other blankets.” Ava was exasperated. Leave it to Sara to try and be a hero. Sometimes she wondered what went through her mind. “No debates. I’ll take the guest room tonight. That’s final.” 

Sara opened her mouth one last time to argue, but she knew better than to fight the look Ava was wearing. She wasn’t about to budge.

She found herself curled into the king bed that evening, the mattress an endless sea around her. Sara had to admit, this mattress was divine. Its twenty five year warranty didn’t appear to be needed anytime soon, it was as accommodating as the day they’d bought it. As the memory foam pulled her towards sleep, Sara tried not to think about who was missing from her bed.

Ava lay wide awake in the guest room after hours of unsuccessful tossing and turning. Hopefully Sara was having better luck. 

Ava resigned to reading when it became clear resting was out of reach. After a while, her attention was pulled from the novel by a rustling noise down the hall. She looked up from the pages to hone in on the sound. A minute later it repeated, the noise of movement outside. She placed a bookmark before coming to stand, her curiosity getting the better of her.

Ava walked down the hallway towards the master bedroom. The door was cracked open. She peered through the slit to be granted with the sight of Sara, sheets messy around her and comforter half on the floor. Judging by the state of the linens, the noises were simply the result of her rolling in bed.

Turning her body away, Ava moved to return to her room. A sudden gasp out of Sara pulled her back to stand frozen at the door. Small whimpers and shouts slipped from Sara’s lips. Her eyes were moving a mile a minute under her eyelids, her body tense. Ava remained paralyzed, unsure if she should step in or not. But then Sara called out raspy with horror.

“Ava!” 

In four short steps, Ava closed the distance from the door to the bed. She flicked the lamp on before placing a hand softly on Sara’s shoulder. With light pressure against her skin, she whispered Sara’s name, shaking her just the slightest amount. 

Sara’s lids flew open as she came to sit up. Her eyes darted around the room, seemingly taking in the surroundings. When she realized she was safe, she slumped back to the pillow.

Sara’s voice was hoarse when she eventually spoke. “I’m sorry if I woke you.” 

“Don’t be, I couldn’t sleep.”

“Told you the comforter’s scratchy.” The delivery was flimsy at best; Ava responded with a feeble attempt at a chuckle. She sat down on the edge of the bed, one foot fully on the floor in case Sara asked her to leave. 

“You were dreaming about me.” When Sara looked at her with puzzlement, Ava elaborated. “You called out my name.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing, Sara? You had a nightmare, you can’t control that.” 

It wasn’t that. Sara’d been dealing with them almost every night since the accident. She could handle them alone. At least, she was trying to. “I’m sorry you had to _see_.” 

That revealed just how much Sara might be shielding from Ava. Sara was nothing but attentive to Ava’s feelings; even with the details Ava picked up on, she didn’t know the extent Sara was dealing with on her own. 

Ava brought her hand, which had been removed by Sara’s startled movement, back to her shoulder. When Sara didn’t pull away, she slid it to her chest, let the palm lay flat just under the root of her neck. Some sort of instinct. It must have been comforting because Sara brought her hand to Ava’s wrist and wrapped her fingers tightly to hold it in place.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

It came as no surprise when Sara shook her head. She loosened her grip around Ava’s wrist, a signal Ava took to mean it was time to clear out. 

As she traipsed towards the door, she called over her shoulder, “Get some sleep Sara.” 

Her foot was just shy of the threshold when she heard her name spoken without confidence. Ava paused, rotated her body to be met with blue eyes staring into her soul. 

“Will you stay for a bit?” 

Sara looked so fragile in that moment it took Ava aback. She’d seen glimpses of doubt before, some hurt across Sara’s face for seconds before it was obscured with some bravado, but she’d never seen this. Sara was scared. The dream must’ve really gotten to her.

“How can I help?”

Sara grasped at the hair at the base of her neck, tugged lightly on it. Ava didn’t know she was capable of appearing this unsure. She masked it for a second “Got a flask?”

“Sara.” _Let your guard down._

With a sigh, “Can you maybe rub my back? Just circles or something?” 

Ava nodded in confirmation. Turning off the lamp, she slipped under the covers, having grabbed the blanket off the floor. Sara rolled to her left side, leaving Ava to stare at the back of her head. With a tentative hand Ava reached to her spine then obliged with Sara’s request. Her fingers danced in large circles over the back. 

She wasn’t sure how long she remained there. Long enough that the arm trapped under her side was starting to tingle. It seemed probable Sara had fallen back asleep; the smaller woman’s breathing evened out minutes earlier. Ava withdrew her hand in preparation to roll out of bed, but was stopped by a muted tone.

“You died.” It was hardly more than a whisper, like getting the words out any louder would be impossible. 

Sara felt the shake of Ava’s head behind her. It rocked the bed slightly. “I’m right here.” 

“I killed you.” 

Another shake indicated her denial. “You’d never hurt me.” Of that Ava was positive.

Sara wrapped her arms around herself in a hug, as if it would keep the words she was about to say inside. Couldn’t she just disappear before she spoke the truth she hadn’t yet told Ava?

“I was the one driving. I could’ve prevented this. I’m the reason you can’t remember.” 

And. Oh. This wasn’t just about the dream.

Her vocal timbre shifted to something even more vulnerable. “I ruined your life. I ruined _our_ life.” 

Ava extended her palm back to Sara’s spine. She flinched at the contact, but made no move to change her position. 

“Did you read the accident report?” 

“Did I what?” 

Ava shifted herself closer to Sara, but maintained the same touch on her back. “The accident report, have you read it?” 

A small shake of her head. 

“I have. Gideon recommended it.” Sara remained still, waiting for Ava to proceed. “Sara, there was nothing you could have done. A trailer had two tire blowouts, his truck was blocking all three lanes. Four cars hit him before you even knew what was happening.”

“I could’ve swerved left.” 

“It was all three lanes, Sara. It wouldn’t have mattered which way you swerved. You couldn’t have avoided hitting someone, and the semi behind us couldn’t stop either. There was no way we wouldn’t have been crushed. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anybody's fault.”

Sara squeezed her arms even tighter about herself. At least Ava was behind her. Admitting her guilt wasn’t one of Sara’s strong suits. 

“It was my fault.” She felt Ava’s hand lift off her spine. The sudden exposure caused her to shiver. It was replaced with a full body warmth as Ava pressed her body to her back. An arm curled around Sara’s midsection. 

“It wasn’t.”

Why wouldn’t Ava just accept this was her doing? “We didn’t have to be there. You wanted to go home after dinner, but I suggested we get dessert. If we’d just gone home like you wanted none of this would have happened.” 

Sara’s breathing was shaky in a way Ava assumed only meant she was trying not to cry. The sound was absolutely gut-wrenching. 

In nearly six weeks of knowing Sara, gathering as much as she could, Ava cared so much. Even if she didn’t feel in exactly the way Sara wanted, Ava felt so much affection for Sara. To witness her hurt in this way was almost unbearable. 

“I wasn’t wearing my seat belt.” 

“What?” Sara’s tone peaked.

“I wasn’t wearing my seat belt.”

“Yes you were. You always wear your seat belt. I even checked before we pulled out from the parking spot.” Of all the rules Ava was a stickler for, road safety was of top priority.

Air tickled the back of Sara’s neck as Ava exhaled slowly. “I don’t know why, but I wasn’t. Maybe I dropped something on the ground or was reaching for the back seat. If I was wearing it, I never would’ve gone through the windshield like that.”

Sara rammed her eyes shut, the image of Ava propelling forward flashing in her vision. She searched her memories to see why Ava wasn’t wearing her seat belt, but found no reason. Why hadn’t she ever noticed?

“It wasn’t your fault Sara.” Ava repeated it like a holy incantation as Sara shook her head vehemently. Tears fell over the edge. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault.” 

Sara woke to streams of sunlight through her blinds. Ava’s body was no longer pressed against hers, but as Sara swung her legs over the edge of the bed, she was surprised to see her wife’s form by her side. Straw blonde hair cascaded over the pillow, bits of it clinging to her face. She looked so peaceful, so right in their room. 

Sara was struck with the normalcy of it all. Then the memories of the night before cleared in her mind. The nightmare. Asking Ava to stay. Her confession. The way Ava held her in her arms the way she had so many nights in the past. 

Ava held her, and it felt too perfect. 

Sara tiptoed out of the room, taking care to close the door as lightly as possible so as not to disturb Ava. With a cup of coffee in her hands, she moved to the back porch and rested on the steps. _What are you doing?_ She knew better than to ask Ava to make her feel better, knew better than to ask her to stay. She felt like all the work she’d done over the past few weeks to lessen her feelings was completely undone. 

Sara wanted to scream. She was so weak, asking Ava to take care of her, for letting Ava hold her. She should be able to hold herself together. She wasn’t the one with the memory loss. The feeling of Ava pressed against her back was more comforting than anything Sara had felt since the accident. It grounded her like nothing else, and the taste of it had her craving more. 

She dug her fingernails into her palm in distress. She couldn’t go on like this without talking to someone. She missed her wife and blamed herself more than anyone. Sara unlocked her phone to search for an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a quick note of the timeline of this: we have two more chapters of the agony and hurting before we get to see some easier times come on Sara and Ava. If you're holding out for when they finally get to feel something other than hurt it's on the horizon
> 
> on tuesday we see the aftermath of the cuddling. Wishing everyone a phenomenal day/night!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Tuesday my people and also finals week! If you're so inclined please send out some good vibes that I crush (or at least succeed enough in) tomorrow's exam and end this summer semester with a bang

“I slept with Sara last night.”

If Gideon was surprised, she didn’t show it. Her hand stayed steady as she scribbled across her notebook, the only sign of recognition a raise of an eyebrow. Good at her job, keeping ever professional. Ava thought perhaps she just expected the development, assumed the two would be getting together. In that case, maybe Gideon was a bit of a perv. 

“Last session you affirmed being platonic. What changed?”

The last session Ava also thought Sara was fairing better, so it didn’t seem like anything she said previously was reliable. 

“I probably should’ve phrased that better. We slept in the same bed. She had a nightmare.”

Gideon gestured for Ava to continue.

“I heard her from the other room, so I woke her up. She asked me to stay.”

“What’s going through your mind, Ava?”

Ava sighed, rubbed her neck lightly. A telling sign of inner turmoil. What she really wanted to do was scrub the counters to a brilliant shine or maybe take a toothbrush to some grout in the bathroom tiles. At least she’d feel in control of cleaning, unlike her emotions.

“She told me it was her fault.”

“The accident?”

Ava mhmed. “Because she was driving. She blames herself for everything. It was heartbreaking.” 

And excruciating. And wearing. It was difficult for Ava to put into words how much it upset her to see Sara’s anguish. The whole day it was the only thing on her mind.

“Do _you_ blame her?” 

They’d already been over this, but Ava answered directly. She knew Gideon was giving her the chance to say if her opinion on Sara’s culpability had changed. 

“Not at all. I told her as much. And I told her about the accident report. She’s carrying so much guilt with her.” 

“You remember what we talked about before?”

“That I’m not responsible for Sara’s feelings, yeah, I remember. I just wish I could take it away from her.” 

“You’re both processing your traumas in different ways.”

If the night before was any indication, Sara was putting on more than a brave face. Ava’s voice lowered to a mumble. “I worry she’s not processing it at all.” 

By the time Ava woke up that morning, Sara was already out of bed. A note left on the kitchen counter read _‘Went to gym, be back in time for appt’_. Ava’s disappointment was unmistakable. She wanted to address the situation with Sara. It was to no avail. In the car, Sara punched the radio on and turned it up, the voices of talk show hosts ceasing any opportunity for deep conversation.

For all Sara claimed they used to share everything, it was clear now she wanted to keep things to herself. Which would be fine, if Ava didn’t care. If seeing Sara hurting didn’t gnaw a hole in Ava’s stomach.

Sara didn’t deserve to live in pain. It felt like Ava’s fault.

The counselor put down her notepad, readjusted her posture so she was on the edge of her seat. “I’d like you to hear me out on this. I’m about to say something you’ll probably resist.” 

That had Ava’s attention. She nodded with her eyes, asked her to carry on with the statement. 

“You may want to consider distancing yourself from Sara. Physically and emotionally.” Ava’s mouth immediately dropped open, but Gideon held up a palm to stop her from speaking. 

“I realize that she cares immensely for you, and you are growing to care for her presence in your life. But I’m concerned you may feel the urge to take care of her emotions at the risk of impeding your own healing. The two of you are in an impossible situation, there’s no guidebook for something like this. Taking some time where you can grow away from her company may be beneficial to both of you.”

What followed was perhaps the driest swallow of Ava’s life. “I don’t want to leave her. We’re supposed to be a unit.” 

Her worries were twofold. For one, Ava remembered little of her life outside of Sara. How could she separate herself from it? What her world looked like away from the bubble of their home was unknown. As much as Ava was concerned for herself, she also feared for Sara. It seemed like she was holding it together only for Ava’s sake. What did Sara’s ability to cope look like if she was alone?

“No one is asking you to not be in her life, but you can see how what you just said is concerning to me. ‘Supposed to be’, Ava, you’re not supposed to be anything. I know the two of you are married and that makes this all the more difficult, but right now I am worried about your progress. I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself to try and fix Sara. She has to do that on her own.” 

Ava pinched the bridge of her nose, pulled down on the skin from the corners of her eyes. Gideon was spot on when she said Ava would resist. She wanted to protest. _That’s not what I’m trying to do._ Sara didn’t need to be _fixed_. 

What Ava wanted was to help. Perhaps at her own expense. Not that she’d realized it.

“Just consider it. We can circle back to the conversation later. You have your four week check-in with the neurologist this week, correct?”

“If it goes well I’ll be cleared to drive again.” 

“That’s got to be a relief. Let’s talk about how you’ll feel being the one in control of a vehicle after all this time.” 

While Ava was in her session, Sara drove to a nearby coffee shop to meet Zari and Amaya. The duo were waiting with drinks in hand as she arrived. Tail ends of a conversation died down when they saw their friend arrive. Sara settled at the same table and pulled off a corner of Amaya’s muffin without asking. 

“Ugh, bran?” Sara choked out with disgust, her words muffled by the food in her mouth.

“This is why you should ask before taking other people’s food.” The words were meant to be chiding, but the accompanying smile said it was just playful annoyance. 

Zari rolled her eyes at the encounter. “So as much as I appreciate an excuse for donuts and coffee, care to tell us why you’ve gathered us here on such short notice?”

Sara’s request to meet came just a few hours before. It wasn’t like a coffee run between the three of them was unusual. In general, though, their meals weren’t prefaced with a hasty text from Sara reading _'1_ _PM. Jitters. Urgent.’_

“I need to talk to you guys about something.” 

The two dark haired women exchanged a glance, worry crossing their faces. They’d expected some sort of big news, but not said with such uneasiness. Rarely did Sara look upset like this. At least, rarely in the time they’d known her. The last eleven weeks were an exception to the rule.

“Of course, Sara. You can tell us anything.” Amaya placed her palm on the table and gave her a compassionate look. 

Looking for a place to start, Sara rolled her tongue. Best to just bite the bullet.

“I need to stop being so in love with her.” 

Zari opened her mouth to say something then snapped it closed. The action repeated twice. Of the list of topics Zari was prepared for, this was the last thing she expected. 

Amaya handled the response. “Why do you say that? She’s your wife.” 

No one would consider Sara particularly gushy, but ‘stop being in love’ was hardly a part of her vocabulary. Not when it came to Ava.

It wasn't what Sara meant. The words were wrong, but she didn’t know how else to phrase it. She needed to not be so attached to Ava. There was an uncomfortable sensation between the two of them; she felt like she’d lost Ava yet was stuck to her like glue.

Before Ava, Sara craved space, preferred to internalize and compartmentalize. Dealing with her emotions was as easy as drinking the night away and putting her body through all too grueling workouts. Some might call it self sabotage. Sara called it coping. 

Four years with Ava changed her, had Sara wanting to open up to her wife when things went wrong (after her usual processing time). There wasn’t exactly a way for her to open up to Ava when her problems all stemmed from the accident. She’d been trying to keep it all inside, deal with the guilt and the grief of not having Ava internally. It was necessary so Ava didn’t have the pressure of supporting Sara. Last night was a breaking point.

For weeks Sara watched as Ava started to finally fit into her life. She didn’t need to bear Sara’s burdens on top of her own. Not when she was just now finding her footing again. 

Sara’s attachment was unhealthy at this point, at least in her own eyes. Ava wasn’t hers anymore, and she wasn’t Ava’s. Not in the way they used to be. She couldn’t cling to her like this. She wouldn’t be that person.

“It’s so hard to be around her. Every moment all I think about is how we used to be. We’re doing so well. We’re doing dinner and evenings together, she’s getting to know me, but it’s not a marriage. We’re roommates.” Sara’s shuddering breath interrupted the monologue. “And that’s okay. I’d rather have her in my life in that way than not at all. But I’m too attached to her, and sometimes it feels like I rely on her. I can’t put that on Ava, she doesn’t deserve it.”

Too many of those words were hollow. Some parts of the statement were anything but genuine, but Sara was trying to will the feeling into existence. Ava in her life in any fashion was better than none. Was it okay? Debatable.

“Hey, Ava has always been okay with you two supporting each other. You agreed a while ago you don’t need each other to survive, but you want to be there for each other. That counts for something.” 

Amaya’s statement referenced a moment from just six months into their relationship. Sara loved deeply, hard, with all of her heart; Ava unlocked that in a way no one prior had. But when a conversation regarding a far-out event came up, Sara was afraid to make the future commitment. Never before did she feel deserving of someone like Ava. 

Fear clamped up in Sara, and she told Ava they didn’t need each other, that Ava didn’t need Sara, so why was she planning the future with her? They agreed on their relative independence, but not the latter point. In the plainest terms she could think of, Ava told her she _wanted_ Sara, need or no need. For the long haul. 

If they ever did need each other, it was just a part of the deal. Ava would never be upset to support Sara. It didn’t change how Sara felt she couldn’t ask her to. Not anymore. That was why the previous night hurt so much.

“I need to step back. I can’t ask her to take care of me when I did this to her.” 

“That’s bullshit.” Both Sara and Amaya’s eyes went wide at Zari’s remark. She wasn’t put off by it, just continued to speak. “You need to be thinking about what’s best for Ava.”

“What exactly do you think I’m doing?” All Sara intended was to do right by her wife. Working Sara through a nightmare wasn’t the way to do it. 

“You love her. You’re what’s best for her. Not pulling back for some fear of putting too much on her. This is Ava we’re talking about. The most headstrong, uptight, independent person we know.”

Except Sara didn’t know all of Ava anymore. Even though she was indisputably herself, things were different. Sara couldn’t expect Ava to shoulder her problems. Not when she didn’t want her.

“She slept with me last night.” 

Zari picked the wrong moment to take a sip of her coffee; she sputtered into a napkin as she coughed up the liquid that rolled down the wrong pipe. Amaya raised an eyebrow at her girlfriend, but remained otherwise calm. 

“Not like that. We shared a bed. She woke me up from a nightmare, and I just, I couldn’t handle it. It was another dream about the accident, but this time I watched her die. When I woke up I couldn’t let her leave me. So I asked her to stay.”

The looks her friends were giving her were almost too much to handle. The pity was easy to read. 

“Don’t look at me like that. I already know.”

“We’re not looking at you like anything,” Amaya soothed. 

Zari followed. “Ditto. We just care about you two.”

It wasn't pity in their eyes. Rather concern. Concern that Sara wasn't coping and Ava wasn't adjusting back. Concern that two of the most stable people they knew were teetering at the edge of a cliff ready to crumble into breaking waves and jagged rocks.

“I shouldn’t have asked her to stay and make me feel better. It was selfish of me. After all I put her through, now she’s the one comforting me.”

Zari sighed, grabbed Sara’s hands between her own. The blonde appeared stunned at the gesture. She could usually count on Amaya to be the more affectionate of the pair. 

“Sara, stop beating yourself up over this. It is not your fault. No one else blames you. Why are you being so hard on yourself?”

“I should have protected her!” Sara’s words came out higher than expected. Apologies were whispered to the other patrons of the coffee shop. In a much lower tone, Sara elaborated, “I could have prevented this. I should have found a way.”

“Sara,” Amaya began, “you don’t have a duty to protect Ava. She can take care of herself, always has. And you didn’t fail to protect her in either case. She isn’t fragile, and you aren’t at fault. You need to find a way to process this, the guilt is eating you alive.” 

“I swear to god, if you don’t forgive yourself, I’m going to have to kick your ass.” The statement elicited a chuckle from the other women. The half a pastry Zari had in her mouth made the words far less threatening than she intended. 

Forgiving herself was easier said than done. There was no doubt in Sara’s mind: she would never be able to forgive herself if she forced Ava into a role she didn’t want to play. Not on top of everything else.

“I need to find a way to stop loving her so much. At least for now. It’s too hard to hold out hope she’ll fall for me, and I need to manage my expectations. Her therapist recommended it for Ava. I guess I need to follow that advice.”

It was foolish to pretend Sara was successful in the weeks prior. Sure, she was further apart from Ava than she’d been since they first started dating, but every time she looked at her wife, a rush of emotions passed through her. 

Even with the debacle of Ava’s parents having passed, the encounter was impossible for Sara to stop thinking about. Was divorce the right thing for Ava? Her resistance to the idea was strong. It came from Randy, it broke her vows, it would break Sara’s heart. But if it would make Ava happy… Or at least if it would make it so Ava didn’t have to take care of her.

She needed to look after herself. Not like Sara usually did much of that.

The mention of a therapist gave Amaya the opening she needed. “I say this because I care about you, but you should consider talking to a professional about this.”

“You’re like the fourth person to suggest that to me. Am I really so bad at handling things myself?”

Zari gestured vaguely at Sara’s form. “I mean, look at you.”

“You’re an asshole.” 

Sara’s retort lacked conviction though, because, really, look at her. She was a mess and able to recognize it. Someone needed to help, and there was no way Sara intended to bombard her friends with it. 

As out of her comfort zone as it was, talking to an objective person might actually benefit Sara. It was better than Ava holding her at night. “I realized that last night though, scheduled an appointment with someone for later this week. I just don’t know how to move on from her when she’s right here. In our house, in our bed.”

“Have you tried not sleeping together?” 

“Fuck off, Zari.” Sara flicked the corner of the bran muffin across the table. Amaya snatched it up protectively.

“What she means to say is maybe you should try to remember who you are when Ava isn’t your main focus.” 

Amaya never knew Sara to be yielding, never knew Sara to do anything but fight for the things and people she loves. Fiercely protective, always loyal. Steadfast was practically Sara’s middle name. A few months ago, Amaya would have laughed in the face of anyone who suggested she would have this conversation with Sara. The idea of telling Sara to not think about Ava was as groundbreaking as the prospect of her seeing a therapist. 

To see Sara so tentative though, so afraid of overstepping and forcing Ava into a slot she didn’t want, was unprecedented. Ask any of their friends, Sara and Ava were meant to be in every time period, in every lifetime. Nothing should be able to tear them apart. Not even a life-altering, car-totaling pileup. 

If Sara wasn’t willing to see that soon and stop backing down, Amaya would really have to change her tactic. Sara needed her support now - it was clear she needed people on her team- but eventually, when her guilt was a little smaller and the accident a little less raw, someone would have to talk some sense into her.

Sara, unfortunately, took the advice to heart and spent the following days minimizing her time with Ava even more so. She spent longer than necessary hours at the gym, training until her muscles were screaming for a break. Twice she visited Zari at work. She twirled in the adjacent computer chair until Zari thought the sight alone would make her sick. Sara had her fingers crossed Ava wouldn’t notice her avoidance. 

Ava didn’t, as she too was trying to distance herself at Gideon’s suggestion. She spent most of the hours she knew Sara could be home at Nora’s. The time proved to be valuable.

Ava reconnected with Ray and Nora’s son: her godson, Freddy. It turned out the couple never named godparents after his birth. When Sara and Ava became such a close part of their family, they were bestowed the honor. 

Over the course of the days following her appointment, Ava thought over Gideon’s suggestion to take real space. The thought of leaving Sara made her stomach turn, but her mind was conflicted. She knew, logically, time to herself would only prove beneficial. Knowing that didn’t stop the guilt for even considering leaving. Or guilt at not being enough for Sara.

She cared about Sara, wanted to know more about her, wanted her presence in her life. But when Ava looked at the wedding photos on the wall, replayed the videos on her phone, she saw someone head over heels. That feeling wasn’t deep in her soul.

She hated how much it ate away at her.

The neurologist gave Ava the all clear for driving; her repeat scans revealed no swelling or structural brain damage, and there was no longer any contraindication to being behind the wheel. She was to check back in if she started experiencing neurological side effects other than the occasional headache.

The news of driving left a bittersweet taste in Ava’s mouth. While the prospect of independence and not needing a driver to leave the house was exhilarating, it also meant Ava had no viable excuse to stay with Sara all the time. Besides wanting to be a part of her life.

(But Ava also wanted the freedom to figure out who she was now that she’d familiarized herself with the basics of her life.)

Sara’s post-appointment feelings were just as complicated. No continuing brain damage was a good thing, something to be celebrated. But the empty scans forced her to deal with the truth: there was no real reason for Ava’s memory to be missing. Consequently, there was no treatment or hope she would get it back.

The check-in marked a definitive shift in Sara’s thinking; the version of Ava she’d built her life with was gone. The hope for a miraculous recovery evaporated. For the first time, Sara let herself believe it.

The recognition came at the perfect time for Sara’s first therapy session. Somehow, Sara managed not to back out on the appointment, despite everything in her being that said a hard training session would be just as beneficial. 

She sat outside the office of a Kendra Saunders, filling out the intake paperwork, when a question stumped her. 

_Please describe the primary reason for your visit, in under 20 words._

A wry chortle left Sara’s mouth as she read the request. How was she supposed to tell the whole story in under twenty words?

Her wife nearly died in a car accident where she was the driver. She survived, but sustained a traumatic brain injury resulting in six years worth of memories being erased. Sara was battling feelings of guilt and her compassion for her wife, who didn’t even remember her, who probably never would. Oh, and she was trying not to love her.

She settled for writing _grieving the loss of my wife_ , and leaving it at that. She’d explain more in the room. 

Kendra, for her part, was surprisingly perceptive to Sara’s story. She took the details in stride and managed to get across tactics that might actually work for Sara. Kendra armed Sara with cognitive techniques to adjust her thinking whenever the feeling of guilt started to overwhelm her. 

Something about Kendra’s nature was a good match: just tough enough to get through Sara’s exterior, but still genial in a way that let Sara feel comfortable with communicating. Boy did Sara never expect to think that.

Kendra affirmed Sara’s grieving, reminded her you don’t just grieve when someone dies, but when something changes. Being told other patients mourn the loss of a job, a change in circumstance, or an opportunity that was never theirs to begin with provided Sara with some much needed validation. 

Sara hadn’t even realized she felt guilty for mourning how different her life was. She felt like she couldn’t when the accident was something she caused. It was almost as if Kendra gave her permission to be upset with the change.

Even if Sara didn’t quite believe the situation wasn’t her fault, she was at least willing to give Kendra’s techniques a try when she felt completely responsible. If she could get through the day without Ava’s situation eclipsing her mind, she would consider therapy a success.

Sara left the appointment with a packet of homework not unlike Ava’s from her first session with Gideon. Exercises to unpack how she felt and restructure her thought process. There was a plan to return in one week’s time. Sara didn’t expect any acts of God, no huge revelations, after the session. Coming to terms with her guilt wouldn’t be that easy. Still, a small hope that there might be progress flickered within Sara. 

The flame burned in Sara all the way home. She held the smallest belief there was a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Until a conversation with Ava smothered her hope into ashes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter was written and rewritten and then written again because we're getting into some complicated feelings for both Sara and Ava that were hard to articulate. Hopefully it comes across in a way that makes sense for them both 
> 
> Up next (on Saturday/Sunday instead of our normal Friday because I'm moving across state lines later this week (after that we will be back to regularly scheduled programming)): Ava asks for a change and Sara adjusts to it


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finish my first semester of grad school ✔️  
> 1100 mile move ✔️  
> post a long ass chapter that marks a transition point in the fic ✔️ 
> 
> thank you for all who gave well wishes to get me through this week (I appreciate you all endlessly)! Thanks so much for your patience in me getting this chapter up. Without further ado...

No good conversation ever started with the words ‘we need to talk’. This one was no exception. 

Ava sat uncomfortably at the dining table, her hands tucked under her thighs. Sara joined at the adjacent seat. This was going to be a tough one.

There was no sense in dawdling, Ava jumped right in before she lost her nerve.

“I’m thinking of staying with Nora for a bit.”

The cacophonous sound of a pulse beating in Sara’s ears washed out all noise for a moment. It felt like someone knocked the wind out of her. The world was closing in on itself. She blinked to focus herself. 

“You want to move out?” It was unfathomable.

“I think some space could be… healthy.” 

Feelings of inadequacy were starting to pile up. Ava wasn’t the person Sara needed in order to open up. She also wasn’t developing feelings that matched her previous ones. It was eating at her. 

Introspection revealed Gideon was right; Ava _did_ feel like she needed to sacrifice herself for the sake of Sara. Sara was hurting. Rightfully so. But Ava didn’t know how to support her and with Sara’s reluctance to let her in...

Sara took a deep breath, trying to take in the words Ava was saying. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t been trying to keep her own space to keep her feelings at bay for the time being. But to stay at someone else’s place, that struck Sara as definitive. Like it meant something was really over. 

Even though Sara already thought that Ava’s memory would never come back, thought that Ava didn’t love her in the right way, might never love her again, it never felt this real. This was her losing Ava.

“I talked to her and Ray today. They offered me their guest room while I get myself sorted out. And I have the all clear to drive again.” Ava untucked her hands from beneath her legs, exchanging the position for arms crossed over her chest.

“This feels like a breakup.” 

Ava stumbled, floored. “It’s not.” At least, maybe Ava didn’t want it to be. Or maybe she did. Everything was unsure. 

It wasn’t like she hadn’t been trying, wasn’t like Ava wasn’t doing her best to know Sara and feel something. The pressure to develop infatuation was too much to ignore, but it didn’t exactly allow for something to unfold naturally. More than anything did Ava crave to feel. She wasn’t sure she’d ever tried to will love into her life in this way before.

Ava also worried she was holding Sara back from moving on from the accident. She never wanted someone to wait for her to catch up. From the picture their friends painted, Sara was used to being independent. To never backing down. The Sara she’d seen wasn’t that person.

It was hard to believe that it wasn’t all her fault for not healing faster. 

Sara attempted to pull a reassuring smile onto her face. It looked more like a grimace.

“I don’t want to give up on us. That’s not the vow I made. In sickness and in health and all that.” Sara squeezed the fingers of her left hand together to feel that her wedding band was still there.

In sickness and in health. Sara had been there for all of that. Sitting by Ava’s hospital bedside for weeks on end, driving her to and from appointments. Being, in short, the perfect partner for Ava. So why didn’t Ava feel anything?

“I’m not sick though. I’m just gone.” 

Sara stopped herself before she could argue. Maybe Ava was right.

Ava continued on. “And come on. This thing we’re doing, it’s not exactly working.” 

As much as Ava genuinely liked Sara, it wasn’t building in the way it did before.

“It’s not,” Sara conceded. 

Not as a marriage at least. Tip-toeing around each other, never giving more than a lingering touch. Both of them confounded by a guilty conscience and not being able to live up to each other.

“I can see how much you’re hurting and--”

Sara was quick to shut down Ava with an _I’m not hurting_.

“And you won’t exactly let me in.” Despite her instincts, Sara quieted herself. Any argument against that would prove Ava’s point.

“I don’t know if my being here makes it better or worse. I don’t want to say goodbye to this. I care a lot about you Sara. I feel like I know you better than I know myself right now. But…” Ava trailed off. 

“But you’re not in love with me,” Sara sighed. It was already clear this was the truth. And it was killing her to know. Sara wasn’t blind to the way that Ava was trying to fit herself into a mold for her. Neither of them deserved this.

“I’ve been trying to be. I wish I was.”

The pang in Sara’s chest was an endless black hole. It made her want to sink down to her knees. She tried to conceal it. Wear the mask she’d been putting up far too often for another moment. “Too bad, I’m a catch.”

Sara was pulling into her shell and away from Ava. Trying to handle this on her own.

One perfectly arched eyebrow from Ava was enough for the guise to drop.

With lament Sara admitted, “I wish you were too.”

Their mouths stilled. The whoosh of the air conditioning moving out of the vents served to highlight the dead air. Sitting just inches apart the distance had never seemed wider. Not even when Ava spent two weeks in L.A. teaching a violin intensive. Not when Sara clammed up after her dad died. There was an empty chasm cracking between them, deeper than the Mariana Trench.

“How long are you thinking of staying with Nora and Ray?”

“A few weeks to start, maybe longer. I think I’m going to talk to my bosses, see if they’ll start easing me back into rehearsals until I’m ready to perform again.” Ava needed something of her own, needed to start her own life again. Maybe once she established herself as an individual she could try to figure out where she stood with Sara.

When Sara became the person that wasn’t springing to try anything and fight for Ava, she wasn’t sure. It was a stark deviation from everything she knew herself to be. But the desire not to overstep, the fear she might encroach and push Ava out of her life was almost too much.

She wouldn't be that person. Sara could feel herself withdrawing.

Zari told her to think about what was right for Ava. If Ava wanted this, then wasn’t it right for her?

Ava moved her palm to Sara’s knee. “I meant what I said. I care about you so much, you’re probably the most important person in my life right now. I don’t plan on losing you.” _Not after I’ve already lost myself_. “Unless you think it will be too painful."

Sara blew out her cheeks as she formulated a response. It probably would be painful. But this was already painful, the past three months had been nothing short of agonizing. 

At least she could start the process of getting over Ava if she wasn’t seeing her all day every day. Then Sara could still have her in her life. This was what she talked to Zari and Amaya about. Ava wanted it too, in some fashion. 

(And maybe one day, if things worked out, Sara could try again. Could see if her and Ava could repair what was broken.) That was a pipe dream Sara wasn’t about to voice. Not at that moment. Not while Ava was looking at her with pleading eyes and an unmistakable expression that willed Sara to be okay with her decision to leave.

“No, not too painful. I don’t want to lose you either.” Sara moved her hand to cover Ava’s and grasped it. Their fingers laced together for a minute before separating. “This will be okay, you’ve been through worse.”

“Yeah, like what?” Ava needed a little bit of support, a reminder that she could make it through this. Encouragement would help. Even if that encouragement was: “Well I didn’t sleep with your father, so there’s that.” 

“Not exactly helpful Sara.” Still, a partial smile rose to Ava’s face. The subject matter shouldn’t make her feel better, it was still a tender spot, but coming from Sara, Ava was halfway to a laugh. “What does this mean for us?”

Externalizing the words was a herculean task Sara wasn’t prepared for. She probably never would be, but she needed to say them for it to be true.

“I think this means we have to start assuming there is no more us. Not in the marriage sense.” Sara swallowed down a lump in her throat. 

This wasn’t what she wanted, it was the furthest thing. The voice in the back of her head was full-on shrieking to stop, to take back the words, to say _I love you, I’ll fight for you, don’t give up on us, stay with me_. Sara wanted nothing more. The only thing stopping her was the hope that Ava would be at some sort of peace. If Ava expressed want for space out of the house then who was she to stop it?

“God this is the saddest breakup I’ve ever been through.” This stung like nothing. Sara loved Ava so much. That was always enough to overcome any obstacle. 

To stop thinking of herself as a part of a unit was going to be an impossible adjustment. Sara was suddenly thankful for her upcoming meeting with Kendra. She’d need it.

“Me too.” Ava paused, then, “at least I think. Who knows, there could be a whole slew of other relationships I don’t remember. I could’ve even been with men.” Sara’s side eye said _not in this world._

It was probably too soon to be joking. But if Ava didn’t have humor at the situation how else was she expected to make it through? “So tomorrow I’ll pack some of my clothes and essentials. We can take it from there?”

“Yeah, we’ll take it from there.” We’ll reroute our entire lives. 

Sara stood from the table and meandered to the kitchen. “Dinner and a movie? As a final night?”

“This isn’t our final night together Sara.” 

Maybe not, but it sure looked like it. And if Sara wasn’t distracted with a movie she was certain to either fall apart or engage in some bad habits. 

“I’m in the mood for something scary if it works for you.” 

Ava sent a soft smile to her wife. Or her not wife. What were they anymore? God, Sara was strong. Her voice barely even wavered during the conversation, even though the world was caving in. For Ava herself it was as if someone were sitting on her lungs, compressing her chest until there was no room for any air to get in. If Sara was going to hold it together, the least Ava could do was help with a diversion. “I’ll pick something out.”

As they laid on opposite ends of the sofa, feet barely touching, Sara found the movie the furthest thing from her mind. Her eyes kept siding to look at Ava before bouncing back to the screen. She stopped fighting it after a few minutes, let herself take in the vision in front of her. It looked like the end of an era. 

Sara tried to memorize the scene in front of her: Ava’s profile obscured by her hair over her cheek, the way her eyes screwed shut during an unexpected jump scare. She wished she could take a snapshot of the two of them in that moment. With no Polaroid around, and the knowledge that it would honestly be just shy of creepy, Sara committed the sight to memory.

Ava jumped as a ghost popped out. Her hand flew to her chest before a few giggles bubbled out at her own reaction. Her smile caused one to form involuntarily on Sara’s lips. She was going to miss everything about this. Everything about their life together.

There was the chance that things might be okay. Weeks prior, Laurel told Sara to keep her perspective. At least Ava was still here with her. Present and safe and obscuring her eyes as the music turned ominous. She wasn’t dead. Wasn’t running for the hills. 

Ava still wanted Sara to be in her life, wanted them to be okay. There was still the possibility of spending time together, seeing their friends, having movie nights. If Sara could still have nights like this, in any capacity, things might eventually be okay.

Nora gave Ava exactly three days in her house before she started pressing her best friend for information. It was three days of Ava playing violin and watching Freddy and pretending everything was fine. She knew her friend too well. 

“So when are you going to crack?” Nora asked, as she turned on the stove top. The duo were in the middle of cooking dinner, Ray having stayed late at work for the first day of the school year. 

Ava glanced from the corner of her eyes. “I don’t crack.”

“Now that’s some bullshit if I’ve ever heard it. You forget I’ve seen you ready to choke someone in anger. I know you Ava.” 

Nora gestured for the cutting board of onions Ava was working on. She raised her eyebrows as Ava passed them over. The onions met hot olive oil with a sizzle; Ava felt like she was the one jumping into the grease. She was probably about to be exposed.

“What, you’re prepared to offer me some advice?” Deflection seemed like a good idea. Except that Nora wasn’t going to fall for it.

“I’m a guidance counselor. I guide. It’s what I do.” 

Ava rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the can opener she was using. The stupid crank wouldn’t turn. With greater torque she forced the handle, only to be met with more resistance. A few frustrating seconds later, the can fell back to the counter with a thud. The aluminum dented. The dent reverberated in Ava’s own heart. 

Nora extended her hand to grip Ava’s bicep. “Come on. What’s going through that stressed out head of yours?”

It only took four turns of the wrist for Nora to open the tin of crushed tomatoes before she poured them into the sauteed onions, stirring gently with a wooden spoon. When Nora’s attention was back on Ava, the taller woman finally surrendered. 

“I’m worried about Sara. We haven’t talked since I left.” Ava tossed a bay leaf into the pot. “Things are weird. I think she’s ignoring me.”

“Is that really a surprise? You did just move out of the house you built together.” Nora gave a knowing look, her eyes peering into Ava’s soul. It’s not like she was wrong. 

Ava wasn’t exactly expecting hourly check-ins from Sara, but more than radio silence would be nice. There was already a gap in her heart from a few days without Sara. Just because Ava moved out didn’t mean she wanted to move out of Sara’s entire life.

“Thanks for that. I guess I was hoping things weren’t going to be too different.”

“You want to know what I think?” 

Ava crossed her arms, a slight jest coming to her voice. “Like I even get a choice.”

“I think different is good. Things were going to be different the second you woke up in that hospital. It’s better to do something that’s honest, even if it’s sad, than push for a past that isn’t there anymore.” 

Was Nora wise? Ava was still figuring out the aspects of her best friend’s personality. Her advice might have hit the nail on the head of the situation. Some part of Ava knew this was the exact opposite of the advice Ray would be giving if asked. Just how the two of them ended up together was a mystery Ava intended to solve.

“Is this what you tell your students? Textbook advice?”

Some sort of offense flashed on Nora’s face. “Textbook? This is grade- _A_ va Sharpe quality advice.” Ava couldn’t help but laugh at the statement. Halfway between a pun and a nickname. It was reassuring to have Nora by her side, even as she witnessed Ava go through it.

Nora returned the laugh as she poured wine into the sauce. “No, I usually just tell them that they need to stop wishing for things and actually do them. Mostly my kids who don’t put in enough effort. You’d swear they think they have fairy godmothers or something.”

 _Stop wishing for things and actually do them, like I’ve only been wishing to fall in love with Sara._ No, Ava’d been trying. The _‘actually do them’_ part of Nora’s statement. It still landed too close to the Sara-sized wound Ava was nursing.

Ava shook her head at the image the second half of Nora’s words provoked. “It’d sure be nice to have a fairy godmother right now.” 

“Oh yeah?” Nora pursed her lips as she questioned. “What would you wish for?”

“Oh god, I don’t know. Probably to avoid the accident altogether.”

“Pretty sure they can’t change the past. Just give you things in the present.” 

“What, you’re an expert now?” 

Nora tossed her hair over her shoulder, primped the ends. “I am something of a wizard. Just ask anyone who’s had my cooking.” She stirred the sauce once more before removing the spoon and offering it to Ava for a taste. 

Ava accepted the sample. “Needs salt.”

That wisecrack deserved a smack to the arm to which Nora mirthfully dealt. Ava was pretty sure she needed to buy some sort of armor for her biceps if she was going to be staying for Nora for long.

“I’d wish for Sara to be happy.”

The look Nora gave Ava was perhaps the softest look she’d ever received. “You both deserve to be happy. Just give it time.” 

Ava bobbed her head, mouthing _yeah_ in response.

“See, I told you you’d crack.”

“I’m not sure that counts as cracking Nora.”

Nora shrugged off the comment with a flick of her hand. “I don’t know, Ava Sharpe being vulnerable. Seems a lot like cracking to me.” 

It may not have been a full breakdown, but it was a realization that Ava needed to look into her own happiness for the time being. She had left the house that her and Sara made together; there was no way she wasn’t going to need time. And if Ava was being honest with herself, so did she.

Sara managed to hold out a full week before asking Ray how Ava was doing. The two were cleaning the weight room when she posed the question.

“You can talk to your wife about that, you know?” 

“Not sure she’s my wife anymore Ray.” Which was more than a little harsh of a way to put their situation. Brutally honest. What they were to each other, besides two people who were once head over heels, was an unsolved problem. They hadn’t exactly worked out the definition yet.

Ray’s eyes flicked down to her fourth finger in doubt, the ring still clearly settled there. He complied with her earlier query. 

“Ava seems alright. She officially starts sitting in on rehearsals next week. Within the month she should be able to perform if all goes well.” 

There was no answer from Sara, just her continuing the scrub down some of the dirtier spots in front of her.

“And how about you?”

“What about me?” 

Ray cocked an eyebrow at his counterpart. Avoiding the talk about her feelings was stereotypical Sara. It couldn’t be further from a surprise. 

“I’m good, peachy even. Except these kids really need to start wiping down the racks daily instead of us just once a week.” Sara unveiled the discoloration of the cleaning rag in her hands. Which, actually, was disgusting. Sara might have a point there. Ray didn’t need any of their players getting some sort of infection from a lack of hygienic exercise equipment.

Ray grunted before replying, “You’re deflecting”

“Always.”

Against his better judgement, Ray refrained from another speech into getting Ava back. Now wasn’t the moment. Something about Sara’s body language said she would be even less perceptive to his schemes than normal. He’d bring it up again in the future. Sara and Ava belonged together, plain for anyone to see. Just because Ava was living in his guest room didn’t mean that they wouldn’t reconcile.

When he’d expressed that to Nora the night before, Ray expected her to be adversarial. He was always the more romantic while Nora was ordered and less enthusiastic about matters of the heart. He was pleasantly shocked to hear Nora agree with him on their friends’ romance. 

Nora thought they needed time though, time to separate themselves from the past. If Sara and Ava were going to work again it needed to be from the ground up. After becoming individuals. Then friends. Once Ava and Sara were at that point, if they still neglected to see how much they were destined to be together, then Ray could intervene.

“Well, whatever it is that has you avoiding talking to Ava, you gotta get over it in two weeks. It’s Freddy’s birthday. You better be there.” 

The shocked reaction from Sara could’ve gone without elaboration. “I’m insulted you even said that. He’s my godson, of course I’ll be there.” Another thing she and Ava shared: their godson. 

Sara filed the date away in her mind. Two weeks was plenty of time to get over her evasion. 

It wasn’t that Sara didn’t want to reach out to Ava. In fact, Sara spent the entire week crafting and erasing text messages. None were right. Even with the agreement that they’d still see each other and be in each other’s life, things were undeniably different. The masquerade of their marriage was dropped and now Sara had to adjust to viewing Ava in a different way. For real this time.

After leaving work, Sara proceeded to Kendra’s office for the second time. In the week since Ava’s departure she managed to fool herself into thinking all would be swell. She maintained the charade as she relayed the changes to Kendra, hoping she’d give her easy advice. What Sara found was unexpected. 

“So now Ava’s staying at Ray and Nora’s, which is a good thing. I’m just gonna take a few more days and then reach out.” Sara put up a smile as she waited for Kendra’s response.

“Are you done?”

Sara narrowed her eyes. An uptick in her tone indicated a shift to annoyance. “Am I _done_?”

Kendra sighed, uncrossing her legs and leaning her forearms to her thighs. 

“Are you done with this,” she circled her finger at her patient, “act?”

“I’m not acting.”

“Sure you are. Last week you were here to grieve your wife and now, what? She’s moved out and you’re fine? Just need a few days and you’ll be over her?” 

Sara crossed her legs. Her arms followed. She averted her gaze and looked at a painting on the wall: a hawk with its wings fully expanded.

Kendra’s words were far from the truth. She was _never_ going to get over this.

“You need to learn to embrace your sadness. Stop putting on this stoic front. This isn’t just going to go away in a few days.”

“Got any great advice on how to do that?” Biting words. Why did Kendra think she knew so much? 

“You can try to attack me all you want, Sara. I’m not going to give in. You have to give this time, and more than a few days. It might help if you actually let yourself accept things are over.”

“I have accepted it. That’s why I’m going to reach out, see her as friends.” 

Argumentative as always. Sara didn’t appreciate being seen like this. _Maybe therapy was a bad idea._ Then Kendra pulled the rug out from under her.

“Then why are you still wearing your ring?”

Oh. About that. 

“It’s only been a week.” Kendra raised an eyebrow, not buying the excuse. _Therapy was definitely a bad idea._ With a huff Sara let out, “I can’t take it off.” 

“Sure you can Sara.”

“That means it’s over.” Which wasn’t it anyway, ring be damned? Despite what she wanted, despite the life Sara had planned. But you don’t plan car accidents and you don’t expect amnesia and there was no world in which Sara and Ava discussed _this_ possibility beforehand.

“Didn’t you just tell me you’ve accepted that it’s over?” Kendra’s words were unhurried, her voice filled with tenderness. It still felt to Sara that she was being knocked down a few more pegs.

The only way Sara could release her frustration was with a sigh. “Couldn’t you have just told me that my plan was great?” 

“That would defeat the purpose of coming here.” Which it would. Even Sara could admit that the fact that Kendra called her out this easily was probably a good thing. 

“So what do you suggest I do? Just wallow?” Or lock up those feelings in a box, throw away the key, add weights and chains and toss the box into the ocean, never to be dealt with again.

“No wallowing Sara, just be realistic. Stop trying to distract yourself and stop fooling yourself into thinking everything is easy. It’s okay if it’s not. You need to plan for the future, not avoid it. Figure out what this looks like for the two of you. If there is a future”

 _If there is a future_. If Sara wanted there to be one, what choice did she have but to make this work? To be in Ava’s life in any capacity, then prove herself. 

For the first time since their engagement Sara took off her ring and shut it in a jewelry box on the dresser. She looked down at her hand, the lack of weight feeling foreign. An untanned line stared back at her.

Two weeks passed before Sara walked into Ray and Nora’s yard to find it decorated to the nines. Red and blue streamers hung from the back porch, a Superman piñata dangled off a tree branch. There were platters of food and countless folding tables lined with chairs that held parents of six-year-olds. In the corner of the yard was an actual petting zoo complete with ponies, donkeys, and goats. The parents spared no expense for Freddy’s sixth birthday. 

The two weeks consisted of minimal contact with Sara’s friends as she attempted to stop distracting herself into thinking everything was okay. There was a little too much drinking and a little too much sleep to be healthy, but at least she’d worked through some of the more excruciating feelings relating to Ava.

The party was the necessary catalyst for Sara to get her life back in gear. With presents delivered and a beer in hand, Sara rejoiced in the afternoon. It was a day of food and laughter, of piñata breaking and present opening.

Sara watched as Amaya stood behind Zari, rubbing her shoulders as the raven haired woman pointed out two kids who looked sure to start fighting at any moment. Nate was equally engaged. He started to put money down on which one would be the first to cry. Somewhere in the yard Nora and Ray were snapping pictures of the whole event.

The moment was so familiar. It echoed the past parties they’d been to at this house; Halloween, Christmas Eve, Labor Day barbecues, all were events the friends came together for. 

When Ava appeared, red-faced from helping Nora tend to all of the kids, she took Sara’s breath away. Two weeks was far too long for her to spend apart from Ava. Not if she wanted her in her life. 

So as the evening progressed, Sara looked through rose-colored lenses. She saw a future in which her and Ava were contented, even if not together. Perhaps it was just being around all of her friends, really her family, that had her feeling more optimistic than usual, but Sara was suddenly determined to reconnect to her life. 

Or at least make a hearty attempt. Not this half-assed life-on-hold dance she’d been doing even since a tire blowout fucked up everything.

If Sara wanted to have any sort of relief that meant some form of moving on from the past. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, wasn’t what she planned for herself, but she could do this. Sara would do anything if it meant Ava got to be happy too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends we have reached the end of the severe angst so if you were holding out for some stuff that's less heart wrenching you got it coming soon! We have reached a transition point. Thanks so much for sticking with me through the gritty feelings and my (possibly annoying) cliff hanger endings
> 
> up next (back on tuesday): a time jump


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday! Sending out all my thanks for everyone who has been reading this journey, it fills my heart with joy

The first thing Ava thought when she opened the door to her apartment was she couldn’t wait to put down the grocery bags digging into her forearms. The second thing she thought was _fuck_.

Ava slipped over some obstacle right in front of the threshold and almost tumbled all the way down to the ground. The fact that she managed to throw out her hand and grip the handle to the coat closet was nothing short of a miracle. 

“Gary!” Ava screeched. She was going to kill her roommate. 

The contents of the bags previously on her arms were scattered on the floor. At least none of the jars had cracked. Ava shoved the food back into the bags before returning to a stand. As she recovered, she caught a glimpse of what had tripped her up: a discarded tan trench coat. 

When Ava agreed to move in with Gary it was at the prospect of a reduced rent while giving Nora and Ray their guest room back. It was in a desire to have her own place, yet not be totally alone. 

She didn’t think she was agreeing to Gary’s... lover and his clothing strewn all over the house. She definitely wasn’t prepared for seeing him on the couch, his white shirt halfway buttoned.

“Sorry there pet, must’ve slipped off the hook.”

Ava shot an incensed glare his way with a huff. “Why are you on my couch, John?”

“Believe it’s Gary’s couch, mate,” John pointed out, his voice laced with gritty apathy. Ava bit back a retort. It was _their_ couch, _their_ apartment. Semantics aside, it definitely wasn’t John’s couch to sit upon partially clothed.

At that moment, Gary traipsed in from the bedroom down the hall, sporting little more than boxers. At least he had the decency to wear those.

“Ava, hi!” Gary’s pitch shot up as high as it could go at the sight of his roommate and her clear irritation. Ava stood with both arms crossed and a scowl across her face. “I, um, I didn’t think you’d be home yet. I thought you were doing Thanksgiving prep.”

In response, Ava raised the Publix bags now in her hands.

“Had to shop first.” _Obviously_. 

Gary ushered his guest towards his room. 

They’d been living together for more than two months and it, surprisingly, was fairly cordial. Ava was a respectful roommate. She was quiet, spent time in her room, didn’t leave piles of mail unsorted at the door. Gary was less considerate, but still good to her. He didn’t leave too many dishes in the sink, rarely played loud music, and usually only had guests over on Sunday nights for his weekly DnD session. In all honesty, they were a decent match. Plus, they could carpool to rehearsals for work. 

It didn’t take long after moving in for Ava to find herself comfortable in the apartment. It was spacious, and despite how it initially appeared a little too “college-dorm” for her tastes, it didn’t feel overwhelmingly like Gary. She added some homey touches, including a decent pair of curtains and some tasteful throw pillows, and that was all it took to feel like home. 

Her home. One Ava could remember decorating and cleaning and choosing to pay rent on. That's not to say the place she shared with Sara didn’t feel like it could be home to her, because it did, but Ava still didn’t recall the circumstances which brought them to that particular house. Time neglected to recover Ava's past.

The decision to leave Ray and Nora’s was a necessary and easy one. As soon as Ava ingratiated herself back into fourth seat at the orchestra and was on a regular performing and rehearsal schedule, she knew it was time. The choice not to return to the home she shared with Sara… that was rougher. 

Ultimately, it came down to maintaining momentum as Ava worked for her future. Here she had autonomy. Ava felt like she established herself as an individual again, away from the trappings of a life she didn’t remember. She didn’t have to fit herself into molds to absolve the guilt of not living up to expectations. If it meant chasing down Gary’s lover with an ashtray and ordering him to smoke on the patio, so be it. 

Ava hoisted the groceries onto the island and moved to put the food away. Thanksgiving was the following day, and she had plans to join the Heywood family for their meal. It was apparently tradition for her to invade Nate’s family home, along with Sara. This was one of the few holidays not with the entire friend group; Ray and Nora spent the day with Nora’s dad, while Zari and Amaya used it as an excuse for a short getaway. 

Ava wasn’t quite sure what to expect from the Heywood Thanksgiving. She’d only been told not to be early because no matter how late she arrived, it wouldn’t be late enough. Nate’s mother tended to procrastinate the cooking of the turkey.

In an effort to be polite, Ava ensured Nate she would be bringing a dish. Proper guest etiquette. Sara promised the same.

They planned to get together in Sara’s house the evening before and prepare their designated parts of the meal. Ava had few complaints about her apartment, truly, but the oven was barely big enough for one sheet tray. 

In the three months since they agreed to not think of themselves as together, in the three months since Ava moved out, Sara and Ava had seen each other countless times. They danced together at Ray’s Halloween party, each held one of Freddy’s hands as they took him trick-or-treating (an event Sara was all-too-excited to participate in). They sat next to each other at Zari’s game nights, Sara always more than willing to whisper helpful tricks in Ava’s ear so she wasn’t the last place loser at Mario Kart. Ava cheered from the bleachers with Nora as Sara and Ray’s footballers crushed several games (and lost a few more). Sara came over to enjoy the occasional movie nights Gary hosted in lieu of DnD.

They decided on a fresh start after the initial sting of the move out waned. A blank slate.

It started with group hangs, then gradually the number of people around phased out, until Ava and Sara were more than comfortable one-on-one.

Communications improved.

Sara expressed her sadness at the change in their relationship with Ava, but reassured her she was happy to be whatever Ava wanted. Being friends was more than enough. Ava disclosed her feelings of inadequacy. It was hard to always be compared to the past version of yourself. 

Cautionary measures were taken to ensure Ava felt her current viewpoints were being respected. Sara made a conscious effort to check in on Ava’s thoughts and ask for express permission rather than rely on her past assumptions. Ava’s opinions on little things were different from before; Sara filed each away meticulously. 

Building from the ground up allowed for their relationship to be more than amicable. There was a familiarity to Sara that Ava cherished. Even with their history, she wanted to spend as much time together as possible.

Ava headed to Sara’s shortly after Gary’s nearly naked run-in. She armed herself with two bottles of wine to break any unforeseen tension. It was best to be prepared. 

Sara spent the morning cleaning the house in a frantic and entirely unnecessary fit. The place was adequately tidy, and she knew she didn’t owe sparkling tiles to anyone, but this was Ava. Despite the time passed, Sara was still getting used to the thought of the house as _hers_ and not _theirs._ She was inexplicably apprehensive for the evening.

If you asked Sara last Thanksgiving if her and Ava would ever break up, she would’ve staked her life on the negative answer. If you asked if Sara would ever get over Ava, she would’ve said hell no, mostly because there wouldn’t have been a reason for her to get over Ava in the first place. Her life was completely turned on its head and chewed up and spit back out, entirely unrecognizable in some areas. 

The past months had changed Sara. Somewhere in her attempt to stay present in Ava’s life, Sara fell back on old habits. A drink here, late nights there, the occasional borderline dangerous behavior on an old motorcycle stored in the garage. During such time, she felt she’d regressed to the her she was before Ava. The her she was when she felt less deserving of good things. 

Working with Kendra helped to curb some of Sara’s more self-sabotaging behaviors, as did focusing her energy on more productive uses of time. Countless hours were passed by her friends’ sides. She threw herself into moments with them, realizing just how much she’d missed focusing on the accident.

Rather than dive into harder workouts, Sara scaled her time to working with her athletes. She started mentoring a few of the football players and swimmers who needed some guidance. Being a figure they could rely on was rewarding. It secured Sara's knowledge she could be someone for them to look up to.

With time, Sara’s answer to if she would get over Ava changed. Moving on was difficult, but it was manageable. In any case, it was more manageable than the alternative of trying to live without Ava on this Earth.

Far too often along the way, Sara wondered if each moment with Ava was more painful than it was worth, the memories of the past a three hundred pound barbell on her back. But then the duo would have a brilliant moment and Sara would be reminded of everything that made her want Ava in her life to begin with. To still have Ava’s presence warranted the work it required to feel okay again.

(The frequently exhausting and normally painful work. At least Sara wasn’t one to back away from a challenge.)

For the time being, Sara and Ava remained married. Ava was still going to accident related check-ups; the change in their marriage status would impact their health insurance and create a mess of red tape. Well, that was the practical reason Sara and Ava told other people. 

Ava _may_ have been afraid to cut the cord forever with Sara, worried if they snipped their legal connection, Sara would float away from her. There was no one Ava felt closer to.

Not that would Sara verbalize it, but a small part of her still held hopes Ava could develop feelings for her. Why go through the torturous ordeal of legally separating when a future was still within the realm of possibility?

Maybe Sara was fooling herself into being just friends with Ava, she wasn’t sure she could ever be just friends. But that didn’t stop Sara from trying. 

Ava would text Sara the events from her day she thought Sara would get a kick out of. Sara would reply with a text using such little semblance of grammar she could feel the eye roll from miles away. They’d meet with Zari and Amaya for girls day, attend the Youth 4H show with Ray and Nora to support their godson. All in all, they were good. 

Things were different, though, and Sara would probably never completely eliminate the guilt of how she ruined things. No matter how much time passed. But Ava wore smiles more often than not and Sara got to see the friends she considered family. Things were as close to perfect as they would get. Sara could live with it.

The only aspect of Sara’s life she didn’t foresee bouncing back was dating.

Even though Sara and Ava agreed not to push anything between the two of them, it didn’t mean Sara was pursuing anyone else. There was one disastrous first attempt getting drinks with an old buddy, John Constantine. When the night came to a close and John went in for a kiss, Sara pulled back with such speed she was surprised she didn’t end the night with whiplash. She couldn’t stomach the idea of being with anyone but Ava. Sara swore she wasn’t ready, that maybe she’d never be ready to see someone else. 

Ava was her one and done. Maybe, if the time was ever right, Sara would try again.

Three firm thunks against the front door signified Ava’s arrival. Sara opened it to see Ava struggling with cooking supplies in one hand and wine in the other. She rescued the bottles before they broke and beckoned for Ava to follow her inside. 

As they traveled to the kitchen, Ava took in the house and it’s design, still slightly unfamiliar. With the move to an apartment, Ava took the things which felt definitively hers. Sara filled in the gaps or reorganized completely until it appeared nothing was missing. Some walls were repainted, bedroom sets were swapped for new color schemes so the place felt more like Sara’s and less a remnant of the past. 

Halfway through the foyer, nervous energy bubbled up inside Ava. She barely stopped herself from blurting out an embarrassing attempt at small talk. Instead, she trailed a healthy yard behind Sara as they entered the kitchen, unsure of what to say. Suddenly stumped.

There shouldn’t be awkwardness between them. They’d seen each other what felt like hundreds of times over the past months. Sara didn’t seem to be faring much better. She read Ava’s quiet energy and reciprocated. Until they got some wine in them. 

Sara slid a glass to Ava before pouring one for herself and downing half in one go. Wandering eyes couldn’t help but follow the way Sara’s throat moved as she swallowed. Ava didn’t look shocked by the rapid consumption. She was prepared to do the same thing. 

“This is weird, right?” Ava inquired.

Sara let out a chuckle, her shoulders relaxing as a smile came to her face. “Yes, you are. But you said it, not me.” 

_Smart ass._ “I didn’t mean me.”

With a shrug and an eye raise, Sara addressed the original comment. “So weird. Why are we like this?”

Ava shook her head. “I really don’t know what I’m nervous about. It’s not like we haven’t been seeing each other all the time.” 

Every so often, butterflies fluttered in Ava’s stomach when Sara was around. It was as if her body was having a reaction completely different from her mind. Being with Sara was comforting. Warm. A sense of home. The jitters were unwarranted. Purely Ava’s unchecked anxieties.

“You’ve always been the anxious type, Aves.” There was amusement in Sara’s comment. A swat at Sara’s shoulder told her to knock it off _._

A few more jests spilled out of Sara before the women went through their plans for cooking. They settled into a comfortable rhythm of chopping and mixing, measuring and baking. Ava made her mom’s famous snickerdoodles -the recipe was the best thing she got from her mother. Sara made green bean casserole, insisting that the right way to do it included putting fried onions in the mix as well as on top. 

With wine in their system and a shared task at hand, the initial awkwardness drifted away. Ava chalked it up to just the weird energy of returning to the house; Sara figured it was little more than the novelty of an extraordinary Thanksgiving situation. 

Soon Sara and Ava were just two friends sharing the kitchen. Light conversation filled the air. Ava was midway through explaining how she almost busted her ass earlier in the day.

“And when I looked up, he was just watching me like he didn’t leave his nasty trench coat right in the middle of the entryway!” 

Sara’s jaw opened in disbelief. “I can’t believe Gary even has guys over. Honestly, I thought he was still a virgin.”

“I don’t know that he is after spending all that time with John. He’s a self-proclaimed ‘nasty piece of work’.” Ava mimicked John, turning her voice to a horrendous imitation of his British accent.

Sara stumbled for a second as she attempted to spatulate the cookies to a cooling rack. 

“Wait, did you say John?” 

Ava gave a look of confusion at the response. “Yeah. You know him?”

“You could say that.” Sara's face contorted into a tight-lipped smile. She wasn’t about to tell Ava about her most recent encounter with the man. There was probably a handbook for what topics were okay to tell your (sort of) ex about; Sara doubted her attempt at sexual escapades were on the list. 

Curiosity turned to recognition as Ava picked up on Sara’s tone. It was easy enough to make the assumption, even if it wasn’t the truth. So what if Sara was sleeping with people? She had every right. 

Ava ignored the way her stomach lurched. _That was a weird reaction._ There was no reason to be possessive of Sara and whom she spent her time with. 

“So tomorrow,” Ava started, in an attempt to change the subject, “I picked up some flowers to bring to Dot and Hank. We can say they’re from both of us.”

“I didn’t even think about bringing something like flowers for Nate’s parents. You’re such a good guest.” 

Ava let her nature turn back to teasing. “It’s no wonder. You think your presence is a gift for the house.” Truthfully, Ava was just bringing a host gift because it was the proper thing to do. Manners were one habit of Ava’s which would never change. At this point they were ingrained in her.

“I’m a delight,” Sara stated, as she dashed her fingers towards a cookie on the rack. She had the dessert in her mouth before Ava could even protest. 

“Sara! Those are for tomorrow.” 

In mock annoyance Sara rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, indulge a little.” 

She lifted the half of the cookie still between her fingers towards Ava’s mouth. Her right eyebrow was cocked as if to say _you know you want some_. And maybe she did. Ava gave in, leaning forward to bite the snickerdoodle. Her lip lightly brushed Sara’s finger as she did so. 

Ava pulled back with haste, brought a hand to cover her mouth as she spoke to hide the half-chewed food within. “You’re a bad influence. We should be saving those for Thanksgiving.”

The shrug Sara gave told Ava she didn’t have one ounce of regret in her body. Sara popped what was left of the treat in her mouth before rubbing the cinnamon off on her jeans.

They went back to their preparations. When all was said and done, Tupperware lids on and casserole in the fridge, the pair went out onto the back porch.

They sat side by side on the hammock, legs swinging as they looked into the night. The crickets were raising hell in the trees. 

“I appreciate you getting flowers and letting me stick my name on them.” 

Ava nodded, more than happy to let Sara mooch off her gift for the host. As far as Ava was concerned, Sara could freeload off of her any time. The way Sara had been so protective and caring was the reason she was in a good place, even after waking up in the most baffling of circumstances.

“Speaking of flowers, do you know why I got my tattoo?” All this time since she woke up and Ava still didn’t know the story behind the bundle of forget-me-nots between her shoulder blades.

“After Morgan and the fallout you said you realized your parents were designing your life for you. I think the tattoo was a little delayed teenage rebellion.” 

Ava grinned. Her parents would definitely have considered that rebellion. Sara continued on.

“You told me it was so you didn’t forget your life was for you, a reminder that the memories you wanted to remember should be made by you.”

The irony of the symbolism wasn’t lost on Ava. Figures the years she couldn’t remember were the ones she made for her own satisfaction. Ava sighed with relief. “I was a little worried they were because of us, forget-me-nots being the flower of everlasting love and all.”

As if Ava was the type to get a tattoo based on a person. “You made sure to warn me couples tattoos are the kiss of death for a relationship.” 

Ava thought if couples tattoos were a kiss of death, then brain injuries were the executioner. 

The hammock swung beneath them as silence cloaked. Sara pumped her legs to keep the rocking motion. The oscillations were pacifying. Out of the corner of her eye, Ava watched as Sara dipped her head back, eyes closed. She looked completely at ease.

Seeing her this way was freeing. Gone were the harsh lines of worry Ava was familiar with when she woke up. Sara seemed to have found a semblance of peace in the months since, the tumultuous emotions traded for something resembling tranquility. In the rare times when she was this unguarded, Sara was frankly radiant.

“I wanted to thank you.”

Sara turned her head inquisitively, one eye peeking open. “What for?”

“Just being you. When I woke up I was really confused and afraid. This life is so different from what I remembered. I was perfectly content to do what my parents wanted and stay in law school and marry someone who clearly wasn’t good enough for me.”

Sara interrupted to point out she didn’t have anything to do with that.

“I know. But I woke up here and you took care of me before you. I can’t imagine how hard it was. I want you to know I appreciate you Sara. Thank you for being there.”

Hearing the comments, Sara felt her cheeks flush. She looked down in slight unease. She didn’t deserve the compliment, not after the part she played. Even if it had faded, there was still a voice in the back of her head saying it was all her fault. “I didn’t do much.”

“Yes, you did. Don’t be hard-headed and accept my gratitude. I am grateful to have you in my life.” 

Ava was looking with such earnestness at Sara, practically begging her to accept the praise. There was a moment where Sara feared the gaze would elicit something in her. A stomach flip or chest tightening would indicate she was feeling some sort of way about Ava’s words. 

Thankfully, Sara’s body didn’t react with a tell-tale sign of her progress from the past few months being disarmed by just one look. Her heart, instead, swelled three sizes. Warmth started in Sara’s chest and flooded out to her fingertips. Her cheeks rose involuntarily. 

“I’m grateful to be in it.” 

Ava extended an arm over Sara’s shoulder and pulled her in closer. The two remained that way until the November chill became untenable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm more nervous for how this chapter will be perceived than I have been with any previous chapter... interested to know everyone's thoughts...
> 
> I know this was a pretty abrupt tone shift, but I wanted to both bring everyone to a different place and not dwell on the time apart. That's not what we're all here for. Fingers crossed I did the transition justice
> 
> Up on Friday: Thanksgiving shenanigans and Nate tells Ava what's up


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Friday my dudes and this chapter was one of the most fun I've written. Enjoy✨

Four hard knocks pulled Ava from her slumber rather than her usual alarm. It was 6:54 A.M. The rapping on her door repeated, this time with an annoying rhythm. Ava threw off the blankets and stormed to the door. For the second time in as many days, Ava seriously considered finding a new roommate. 

“What, Gary?” Ava yanked the door open to come face-to-face with Gary’s nervous smile. He held a wrapped gift in his hands like a tray. 

“Happy Birthday, Sharpe!” Gary’s grin was broad enough Ava could see his gums. He extended his arms in her direction. In all her preparations for Thanksgiving, Ava had hardly thought about her birthday. 

She didn’t prefer to celebrate it. Growing up, birthdays were never a day for pool parties and sleepovers with her class. It was always a quiet family day in; which is to say, it was completely uneventful. Every couple of years the day fell on Thanksgiving, leading to even more overshadowing of the date. Ava never developed a taste for elaborate birthday celebrations.

The only other sign of the date thus far was a card that arrived the previous morning. The envelope, hand-delivered to the apartment door by a courier and _not_ to the complex mailbox, featured an actual wax stamp on the back, embossed with the Sharpe family crest. It ended up in the recycling bin, only to be removed just before bed. 

Ava wasn’t sure what possessed her to give the card a chance. She didn’t need to open it. It might spoil everything. 

She broke past the seal to be met with a gold foil card. A simple _Happy Birthday_ lined the front in black font. 

The inside message wasn’t nearly as simple.

_My darling Ava,_

_I don’t ask for your forgiveness or your understanding, but I ask you take these words to heart._

_I love you and want nothing but the best for you. I’m so glad you have Sara in your life. Like I said, we stick by the people we love, for better or for worse. Based on just one dinner, she will be there even through the worst._

_I am coming to realize I should not have turned a blind eye to your father. Some things aren’t worth fighting through. I don’t know how it took me this long to realize._

_It is my hope you take comfort in the fact that we are now apart. You may not._

_Best birthday wishes. I’m sorry this is all I am offering you; I didn’t think you would want more. May you spend the day surrounded by those you love._

_I’ll be thinking of you._

_Mom_

The message inside was the last thing Ava expected to hear from her mother. In the months since she’d last seen her parents, Ava had done her best to process. She discussed her childhood with Gideon, how it manifested as some of her less desirable ticks and habits. The pressure from her parents to succeed may have made Ava who she was - organized, motivated, headstrong - but it also made her far less joyous than she wanted during her youth.

The card cracked open a whole new can of worms to dig through, the least of which were Ava’s emotions towards her mother. What really stood out was the line about Sara always being there for her. Even through the worst. 

The past six months had so clearly been the worst of their life together. And Sara really was there for it all. Even when she was hurting. It just wasn’t exactly the way her mother meant. 

The card was slipped back into its envelope before Ava hid it in a box of old memorabilia. She wasn’t ready to reach out to her mother. Ava might never be.

As soon as Ava had Gary’s present in her hands, he grabbed a paper birthday hat from his back pocket and put it on his head. His expression was ebullient. 

“Next birthday maybe don’t wake me up before my alarm,” Ava huffed. She peeled the tape away from the neon wrapping paper.

Ava wasn’t sure how it was possible, but Gary’s smile grew even wider. She wondered if his lips would start splitting at the corners. “You think you’ll still be living here next birthday?” He sounded elated.

The look Ava sent told him not to push his luck. Ava pulled the gift out of the sleeve of paper to reveal a biography on the life of the infamous Dating Game Killer, Rodney Alcala. Gary nudged the door frame with his shoulder. 

“Did I hit it out of the park or what?”

Ava let her appreciation show on her face. The thought was really sweet. Just a few days prior the duo talked about how Ava wanted to dive a little deeper into her knowledge of prolific murderers. Their psychology fascinated her. “Thank you, Gary. I can’t wait to read it.”

Gary fiddled with his glasses while he replied. “I knew you’d like it! Sorry to wake you so early, it’s just, I’m leaving to drive to my parents, and I was too pumped to wait until tonight.” 

Ava extended an arm and squeezed Gary’s shoulder. You would’ve thought she gave him an open mouth kiss with the way his eyes lit up. 

“Happy Thanksgiving. Give your parents a shout for me.”

Ava closed her door and sunk back into her bed after Gary bid her adieu. She side-eyed the clock in contemplation. There was more than enough time to go back to sleep. Nate wasn’t expecting her until noon, and even then, there was no way dinner was on the table before six with the way his mom left the cooking of the turkey until the last minute. Ava was rarely the kind to get back under the covers after she left them, but she didn’t leave Sara’s until after one the night before.

After adjusting the alarm to ring off at nine, Ava let her eyes flutter closed.

When Ava arrived at the Heywood’s, she was surprised to see Sara open the door in greeting. 

“You’re early,” Ava remarked, as the shorter woman invited her in with an open arm. Sara was a lot of things, but more punctual than Ava was not typically one of them.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” Sara called out over her shoulder.

Ava glanced down at her watch, but the numbers seemed indecipherable. Embarrassment passed through her; she must’ve really lost track of time getting ready. She raised the tray of cookies in her hands and gave Sara a quizzical look. Instead of giving an answer, Sara directed her to the kitchen.

The kitchen was quiet when they entered. Ava’d been expecting Nate’s mother fussing over the brine or Nate pouring a glass of wine or one of the relatives she’d been warned about to be grazing before the meal. She didn’t expect an empty room. 

Ava slipped the snickerdoodles on the counter before turning around. She was met with Sara’s eyes peering into her soul. They disarmed her.

“Where, uh, is everyone?” The uncertainty Ava felt took up residence in her voice.

One corner of Sara’s lips rose. Teasing. “Where you want them to be.”

Ava was certain the crease between her eyebrows deepened even further. The whole thing seemed peculiar. 

Sara snaked an arm around Ava’s side to snatch a cookie off the tray. As she took a bite a gratuitous moan left her mouth. _Drama queen_ , Ava almost declared. Sara snapped the remainder of the dessert in half and passed it to Ava. 

“Indulge yourself.” Sara still wore a lopsided smile. Her lips were plump with red lipstick covering them. 

With a huff, Ava transferred the piece in her hand to the ledge behind her. “Don’t want to spoil my appetite.”

Sara pursed her lips, then let her eyes drop down, scanning Ava’s outfit from her head all the way down to her boots. She lingered for a second too long at Ava’s neckline to be appropriate.

“Don’t you though?” Sara’s tongue peeked between her lips.

A sigh left Ava as she turned around to gather the discarded cookie and put it in the trash. She didn’t have a chance to move before there was warmth pressed to her backside.

Sara whispered in her ear, “Are you sure you don’t want to indulge a little?”

Ava didn’t. She was never one to ruin a meal with sweets beforehand.

But that wasn’t what Sara was asking. Sara’s fingers traced the outside seams of her jeans along her thighs. It caused a reflexive shiver to ripple up Ava’s spine. She gulped as she sensed Sara’s hot breath on the side of her ear.

_What is going on?_

“I can give you a taste of what you really want.”

Ava gasped as Sara nipped at the bottom of her earlobe. 

This had to be a practical joke. Any second now, Sara was going to drop the rouse and erupt into laughter. Nate and everyone else was probably in on it, ready to pop up from behind the counter after seeing Ava get this flustered. 

Ava was pretty sure she landed in a parallel universe when she crossed the threshold of the Heywood house. One of those alternate realities where everything was flip-flopped from the way it was supposed to be.

Sara licked a line from Ava’s ear to her shoulder.

Ava wasn’t usually even into this. This was bordering on her definition of exhibitionism. Not to mention, it was _Sara_. Sara standing right behind her, body flush against her own. There were no rational thoughts for this moment. Just heat pooling low.

Hands slithered to the front of Ava’s pelvis. Her belt was undone in seconds by nimble fingers. The button was gone too. Sara sunk her fingers beneath the waistband of Ava’s underwear. She moved far too slowly for what Ava wanted. Ava didn’t dare ask her to move faster, didn’t dare to even breathe. 

After eons, Sara arrived at the apex of Ava’s thighs. She curled her two fingers back, dipped towards what was surely wet heat. Ava’s head rolled back in anticipation as Sara hovered just above her-

The blare of the alarm had Ava standing in two seconds flat. Her heart was jumping out of her chest. She smashed down on the snooze button before collapsing back on the bed. _Fuck_. 

Ava tried to calm her startled breathing. The blood coursing through her veins subsided as her pulse let up. The pounding sensation in her chest decreased; the throbbing between her legs didn’t.

Ava rubbed her hands over her face in disbelief. Nope. She didn’t think of Sara that way. This was just her body’s fucked up way of telling her she needed to get some relief every now and again. It could’ve been anyone’s face that appeared in her dreams. 

Ava pushed the dream down to the back of her mind. She must’ve really pissed someone off in a past life to deserve this.

She grabbed her robe from its hook by the door in preparation for a shower. Jesus, she was worked up. She opted for the coldest setting her pipes would allow. 

_Happy fucking birthday._

  
  


When Ava knocked on Nate’s front door for the second, _no, first_ , time that morning, she was greeted by Dot Heywood and a hug so tight it threatened to collapse Ava’s lungs. The relief she felt at Sara not opening the door was palpable; at least she wasn’t having premonitions now. Nate’s mother swooped flowers and cookies from Ava’s arms and wooshed her into the kitchen.

The family crowd was a lot. There were rambunctious cousins and conservative uncles and Hank dishing out a little too much uninvited tough love to his son. Nate and Ava were on their third glass of wine when Dot finally announced the turkey was in the oven. They shared a glance from the side of their eye, a silent agreement they should be pouring a fourth.

The alcohol was probably to blame for Ava telling Nate about her dream. Surprise was easy to read on his face, but it was undercut with something else: pure giddiness. Nate looked like a kid in a candy store who was just told he had an unlimited budget. 

Unbeknownst to Sara and Ava, the rest of the friends had met earlier in the week to discuss the state of their relationship. It wasn’t that they intended to gossip, but they needed to make sure the whole group was on the same page. 

It seemed obvious to everyone that neither Ava nor Sara were succeeding in platonic friendship. Chemistry was clear when they were together. When Sara whispered hints into Ava’s ear during game night, everyone pretended not to notice the blush that overcame Ava as Sara’s lips brushed her cheek. The movie night hosted by Gary featured Sara observing Ava more than the film, a fond look in her eyes. 

That didn’t even include the way Ava’s eyes always found Sara’s first in a room or the times Ava volunteered to do anything and everything with Sara. 

Sara maintained she'd turned off her feelings towards Ava. It was a weird spot for them to be in, some sort of limbo between exes and best friends, but Sara made peace with it. As far anyone really knew, she wasn’t holding out. Sara was focused on building up her life as an individual again.

Whether Ava and Sara were trying to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes or were simply oblivious didn’t matter. Nate, Zari, Amaya, Ray, Nora, and Gary made a pact that if they saw an opportunity they would try and subtly suggest something more to the couple.

Subtlety wasn’t Nate’s strong suit. “You totally want to bone Sara.”

“Nate!” A hushed hiss between clenched teeth was sent towards Nate with a look of pure vexation. Ava grabbed him by the crook of his arm and pulled him out of the living room to a more secluded hallway. He should absolutely not be suggesting that, especially not with his family around the corner.

“You totally do. Don’t deny it.”

“I do not want to _bone_ Sara. It was a dream I could not control.” It was her stupid mind putting together fake scenarios that were meant to plague her. It was because she stayed at Sara’s until the middle of the night and rolled into bed straight from her house. 

Nate was riding on a high off this information. “ _Or_ your subconscious brain is connecting the things your conscious mind isn’t ready to.”

Which. No. Ava couldn’t want that, because she had pulled away from Sara. She was the one who wasn’t able to develop feelings. She tried. Ava willed it, looked for a sense of romance. All she found was a kinship with someone who was one of her closest friends, the person who knew her best in the universe. And now she was, what, lusting after Sara?

That was impossible. She needed to get a grip.

“Just no, okay?” Ava wasn’t going to justify this with a conversation. No way. Not with the shit-eating grin meeting her eyes. 

She hustled away to the front porch to end the uncomfortable conversation with Nate. Not long after arriving there, the sound of a car door slamming caught her attention. Sara flittered her fingers in a wave as she grabbed her casserole from the passenger seat.

Ava probably shouldn’t have been so eased to see the woman sporting a light pink lipstick rather than the red pressed into her neck in her dreams. Heat rose up her chest at the thought. She passed it off as inebriation.

What kind of world was she living in? She was never this uninhibited. Maybe Ava really did need to look into some stress relief.

The rest of the holiday went as planned. Sara wound up Nate’s kid cousins with the air rifles in the basement. Ava picked up the pieces of a picture frame they shattered. There was laughter and picking at appetizers behind Dot’s back and wine. Lots of wine. 

It wasn’t until after seven that they gathered around the table to say what they were thankful for. Ava had a laundry list of thanks to go through, enough that Nate actually kicked her under the table so she would wrap it up.

In another less than deft jab towards Ava, Nate said he was thankful for how people who really love each other always find their way back together. He received a pointed glare in return.

Sara kept her graciousness simple: health and happiness. 

During dinner, Sara turned up the charm, striving to seduce the older crowd into relaxing. Each time she attempted a joke, Sara’s eyes immediately darted to Ava’s. It’s not like she wanted to make sure Ava was laughing, but maybe seeing her grin at something Sara said filled her with warmth. 

In any case, Ava seemed to think everything Sara did was funny. She couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off her face.

With turkey-filled bellies, Ava and Sara ambled to the backyard, sat themselves on the antique looking chairs next to the pool. The wind chill was picking up. Ava pulled the edges of her sweater down in an effort to stifle the goosebumps appearing on her skin. 

Sara bumped her knee into Ava’s. “Cold?”

“No.” The chattering of Ava’s teeth told a different story. “Okay, yes.”

Sara sent an affectionate smile her way. Before Ava even realized what she was doing, there was a scarf being wrapped around her neck. When she opened her mouth to protest, Sara shut her down. “I don’t want to hear it, birthday girl shouldn’t be cold.”

Wide eyes must have displayed Ava’s shock. 

“What? You didn’t think I forgot, right?”

And no, Ava didn’t, but when Sara didn’t mention it all day she figured it was for good reason. Ava was never the type to relish in big public festivities or parties. It was easy to assume Sara knew this about her. 

“Trust me, I’d never miss the chance to tease you over the dirty thirty.”

The expression on Ava’s face initially turned to exasperation at the mention of her age. She was still getting used to the fact that so many years had passed. Her annoyance morphed to something more playful as she saw Sara fiddle with something behind her back. 

She passed a haphazardly wrapped gift Ava’s way. The corners of the paper were wrinkled, not cleanly pressed down. In one spot it was clear the wrap was cut too short; Sara taped a second sheet over the first to cover the gap.

With a tongue peeking between her lips, Ava prodded at Sara. “Guess I’m the one who wrapped the gifts the past four years, huh?”

“Shut up! I’m good at other things.” 

“Like leaving your shoes in the middle of the hallway?” Ava’s third night at home she’d almost broken her neck getting water halfway through the night. It was such an easy thing to tease, after how Sara was entirely too apologetic and flustered at the mishap. Just before Thanksgiving dinner, Ava almost took a tumble over a different pair of Sara’s discarded shoes. 

Sara tugged the present from Ava’s hands and held it as high in the air as she could manage. “I’ll be taking this back then.” She crinkled her nose as Ava easily met the height and took it into her own hands. There was still some protesting from Sara.

“No fair, I can’t help that I’m short.”

Ava knocked her shoulder into Sara, who invited Ava to open the paper. She proceeded with care. To her side, Sara was wriggling with anticipation. 

Fingers met with the soft sensation of leather. It was a journal, hand embossed with bundles of forget-me-nots in an intricate design. Ava ran the pads of her fingers over the outline. 

“Sara, this is--” She was seemingly lost for words.

“I thought it would be a good way for you to record some new memories for yourself.” 

“It’s beautiful. Wow.” 

Sara explained the origins of the journal, a local artisan at the crafts market whose works Ava had eyed for years, but never purchased. The timing really worked out with Ava asking about her tattoo the night before. 

It was possible Ava had a little too much to drink, because she was feeling a little weepy. In that moment, Sara seemed brighter the moon and the stars. Something stirred inside her. A warm sensation filled Ava, as golden as the sun slipping through blinds in the morning.

“I love it.” 

The expression Sara wore was everything. Pride was shining from her eyes. It was possible she’d never felt more emotions gifting anything.

Thank god she had Ava in her life still. There was half a second where Sara thought she might trick herself into crying; this day could have been so much different if Ava’s injury had been worse. She shoved the thought away, didn’t consider negative alternatives. This was about her friendship with Ava. One she felt privileged to have.

At dinner, Ava gave an entire registry of things she was grateful for including the Heywood family, understanding bosses, hospital staff, and her godson. There was one she left unsaid: Sara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lighter tone to this one. I hope it's welcomed!
> 
> Up on Tuesday (probably late in the day cause school is back in session): an honest conversation and a significant moment


	13. Chapter 13

Nate was absolutely not right. Despite his confidence in his crude comment, Ava absolutely _did not_ want to bone Sara. His statement was made in light of some dumb dream, not from any objective facts. 

But then, why couldn’t Ava let the comment go?

Or, rather, why couldn’t Ava stop thinking about the second half of Nate’s statement, the one about her unconscious connecting things she wasn’t ready to contemplate?

In the days following Thanksgiving, Sara and Ava were practically inseparable. Any time Ava wasn’t performing for work and Sara wasn’t attending to her teams, they were together in some capacity. Whether it meant friends were present or not.

Their time together increased tenfold.

There was a small part of Sara, some inkling in the back of her mind, that said maybe seeing Ava this often was a bad idea. It would be so easy to accidentally plunge back into something deeper. She’d taken time to feel happy with where she was at. It was best to keep it that way.

Once upon a time, Sara planned to try and woo Ava back. Ray’s jubilant handiwork was still on her mind. Romantic dates and extravagant acts of service. But the time wasn’t right. Ava was settled into her life; she would never uproot it. 

Sara herself was content with the new state. They finally found their footing. To risk it all would be foolish. At least, to risk it without some sort of sign.

The first hint of a sign came after a Monday morning jog. 

Ava’s thoughts had been obscured by Sara since the past holiday; Nate’s comment planted a seed.

Ava was trying to separate the nonsense of a dream which shook her from her actual feelings about Sara. She wasn’t sure what she was feeling, except that it was something.

The sensation that stirred when Ava opened her birthday present was still sitting in the pit of her stomach. 

Ava’s first instinct was to ignore it, to stop herself from thinking about the affection blooming within her since that night. Ava attempted to stifle the thoughts so many times it was impossible not to think about Sara.

But that’s just what happens when you try not to think of something. It wedges its way into your mind. A seed sprouts and suddenly all you can think of is something completely prohibited **.**

Ava was certain she must be confused, muddling the sense of endearment at growing close to Sara with something else. After all, she was the one who moved out. The expectation they would be anything more was removed by Ava herself after her own failure to become enamored. 

And Sara had moved on to a new place in her life. She said as much just a few days before. They were discussing Jax, one of the footballer players Sara was training, when she mentioned how at ease she was starting to feel. How Sara was coming into her own in this role of more than just trainer for the team, but also a person of guidance. How she was honestly happy.

Not to mention the John Constantine thing. Ava wasn’t blind to the look in Sara’s eyes when he was brought up. Which shouldn’t bother her, considering that months ago they agreed it was fine to see other people. Sara had every right to move forward with her life.

Still, Sara and Ava made the pact to be open with each other in light of their changed relationship. They wanted to be on the same page. If something was weighing on the other’s mind, it was worth it to bring up. Whether it was positive or negative, about the past or future, or not about them at all.

Which was how Ava found herself starting a conversation with the words _can I ask you something_ as they stretched calves post a run in the park. Sara’s heart sped up. There was nothing ominous about the way Ava said it, yet Sara’s thoughts threatened to spiral away. She took a deep breath before nodding. 

Ava tilted her head in the direction of a nearby bench. After settling themselves, Ava started up. 

“Have you thought about us?”

“Us?” Sara questioned. She readjusted her body to face Ava, bringing her legs to a cross-legged position on the bench. The movement was mirrored by Ava.

“Like us getting back together?”

Hope stampeded within Sara. She smashed it down. _Get a grip._ The conversation had hardly begun, and there was no telling where it would end. 

“Honestly?” Sara paused, but a nod from Ava willed her to continue, “I’ve tried not to since we split. Dwelling doesn't do us any good, and you're finally at ease, I would never want to ruin that.”

And Sara was in a comfortable place as well. Sure, her feelings hadn’t completely evaporated, but Sara didn’t feel she was pining for her. It was no longer an active fight not to think about Ava. It was easiest that way.

Ava fiddled with the watch on her wrist. Clasped. Unclasped. Clasped. Unclasped again. 

“Have _you_ been thinking about us?” Sara probed, eyes boring into Ava’s.

Ava wrung her hands together. “Nate made a comment.” 

Sara mouthed the word _yeah_. Their friends weren’t exactly hiding how they thought they should be pursuing something more. At the beginning of their split they kept silent, gave space. It seemed now they were starting to push again. 

“I know how much you felt like you had to try and make yourself fall for me at the start of this. I never want to put you in that position. Ignore Nate, he just has some pipe dream about us getting back together.” 

That he did. As did Zari and Amaya when they pressed Sara the week before about if she would try anything again. To which Sara told them a resounding no. 

She would always have love for Ava, but things were different. Unless Ava explicitly wanted to get back with her, there was no point in starting anything. Sara wasn’t about to put Ava in a situation where she was reaching to feel something. Or put her own heart at risk for rejection.

“I just, I haven't thought about us as a couple in a while. And now Nate brought it up, and I--” Ava faltered.

“You can’t stop thinking about it?”

Ava bobbed her head. Figures Sara would know once a thought was planted it would dominate Ava’s mind.

Since moving out, Ava never allowed herself the opportunity to consider being in a relationship with Sara again. Ava didn’t think she was worthy of initiating the thought after she shut it down to begin with. And, truly, after how hard she tried to fall for Sara at the start, she didn't think there was a point in considering romance between them. 

Now that something was brewing within, Ava didn’t know what to think.

“I’m not saying I want to try anything. I’m not there. I finally feel settled with life, and I wouldn’t want to open that up unless I’m completely sure. It isn’t fair to you. And that’s assuming you would even want to go there.” 

The unasked question of _do you want to try again_ sat heavy in the air. 

Sara pursed her lips. Of course she _wanted_ Ava, but she hadn’t let herself think of it in so long. 

“It’s not like I’ve been biding my time until you come back to me. I’m not dwelling on the past anymore. Life is different, but it’s so wonderful as well. I have my students, our friends. I feel like a powerhouse when I’m training again.”

Ava tried not to be let down by Sara’s words. All she wanted was for them both to be satisfied with where they were at. The impending denial was blatant. Ava shrugged it off. She didn’t have a claim to Sara.

“I’m not saying no though.” At that Ava perked up, while Sara continued to monologue. “If we were going to do this again, it would have to be when we both felt ready and were completely sure. The right timing and everything. I don’t do anything half-assed, it would have to be real.”

Ava smiled. “We’d have to whole ass it?”

They’d have to whole ass it.

Ava also brought up the complicated power dynamic between them, with Sara knowing what it was like to be together. Ava felt disadvantaged not having experienced it. 

On the other hand, Ava was worried the ball was completely in her court. She didn’t expect to just say when and have Sara jump at the opportunity to be back with her. She didn’t want it to be misconstrued that way.

Sara reiterated how she wasn’t playing the waiting game and hoping for Ava. She was content to live their respective lives and keep moving forward. If, and that was a big if, Ava expressed differently, there would be the opportunities for more talks in the future.

Even with the conversation, Sara still didn’t think much of it. Their interactions proceeded as normal for the next few weeks. A new possibility was out in the open, but that was all. A possibility. 

Sara wasn’t the type to jones for one person and put all her eggs in their basket. Even if no one else felt right, she wasn’t focused on the potential with Ava.

Sara continued to zero in on her life. On bringing her team to playoffs and getting them through with no injuries. On new strengthening workouts for herself, because the swim team challenged her to a backstroke sprint and she lost miserably and was ready for a rematch. On helping Ray plan a pre-winter break party for the entire faculty. 

There was a satisfaction to her life Sara hadn’t felt since before the accident. She didn’t dare threaten it by thinking of Ava in any capacity other than friends. 

Until a movie night confounded everything into complete confusion. 

“You really don’t think the actress looks exactly like you?” Ava was exasperated. Honestly, was Sara watching a completely different movie?

“I mean maybe ten years ago. Plus she has one green eye” 

“Sara, she could be your _twin._ And that’s editing.” 

The horror movie they were watching was part ghost film, part serial killer mystery. The film had been in their Netflix queue for ages and so, with lack of anything else to watch, they settled on _The Pact._

Sara was delving more into the plot, trying to guess all of the twists before they occurred, but Ava couldn’t get into it. It was impossible to get past the fact that Sara might have some doppelganger actress out there. Ava made a note to look up her accolades later.

The tense ambiance of the score was to blame for how Sara and Ava wound up practically sharing a cushion of the couch. Both women loved horror movies, hardly anything too scary for them, but Ava couldn’t say she was impervious to jump scares. Each time a loud noise was accompanied with movement, Ava involuntarily jerked closer to Sara. 

She didn’t notice until an unexpected door swinging open had Ava’s knee colliding with Sara’s thigh. There were no longer any inches between them, just klutzy legs bumping together. Ava’s heart started to pound from something other than the movie. She managed to ignore it, stay distracted by the screen, until the next jump scare. 

Ava jolted so violently into a standing position on the next uptick of the music that her feet slipped out from under her. She landed with a thud, her ass slamming into the floor.

Later, Sara would swear she tried to hold in her laughter. She really didn’t mean to let it out. But the situation was far too funny to pretend otherwise. Sara made an abrupt snort, which turned into a chuckle, then developed into a full blown cackle. 

Try as Ava might to look annoyed, she couldn’t help the smile which crept onto her face. She too broke out into giggles. Soon both were howling. 

It was the kind of laughter that hurts. They couldn’t suck in enough air, tears leaked from their eyes. Each time one of them managed to get themselves halfway under control, they’d make eye contact and return to square one. 

Sara wasn’t sure she remembered the last time she’d laughed like this. Ava definitely didn’t. The last ten minutes of the movie were spent in a fit of wheezes, the ending spoiled. It was a sight to see: Sara and Ava both clutching at stitches in sides, faces beet red, an ambiance of pure joy. It was nothing short of perfect.

When they finally recovered, Sara moved to the kitchen to pour them glasses of water, their throats raw from the exertion. Sara rubbed her fingers to the right of her spine as she walked. While Sara’s nightmares had decreased in frequency and her panic in cars was mostly gone, her back still hurt from the crash. 

Ava picked up on the detail. She told Sara as much. 

As was expected, Sara denied any weakness. “It’s not a big deal, must’ve just pushed too hard at the gym.”

“Sara.” Ava’s tone was deliberate. It said _I see you._ “Come on, you can admit it still hurts.”

“Really, I’m fine. Never felt a pain before in my life” She flashed a megawatt smile.

Ava was never great at letting things go. This would go down in history as an instrumental moment to prove that point. 

“I’m positive you’re not taking care of it. Let me at least give you a massage.”

If Sara were thinking at all, she would’ve realized why this was an immensely terrible decision. If even one iota of brain power were dedicated to considering the situation, she would’ve said no. There was really no logical explanation for why Sara ended up shirtless on the couch with Ava kneeling over her.

Ava, normally analytical Ava, should have registered why this might be crossing the line sooner. It wasn’t until her hands were hovering over Sara’s lower back that she realized this could be a bad idea. A very bad idea. 

By that point, stopping would have infused the situation with enough awkwardness to erase the jovial tone of the rest of the evening. So Ava dove in, gently kneaded into the small of Sara’s back before sliding her hands up higher to get at Sara’s shoulders. 

Ava thought she could repeat tonight every night for the rest of her life.

 _What the fuck, every night? Where did that come from?_ Doing movies and massages and laughter? That didn’t make sense, because Ava didn’t like Sara, not like that. Just because a little fondness blossomed didn’t mean she was actually into her. _Right?_

Ava’s brain was suddenly screaming. Not about touching Sara, but about being _with Sara_. It was like a switch flipped. Ava found herself thinking of how ideal the evening was up until this point. There was nothing she could picture to make it better.

Sara relaxed into the couch with Ava’s hands on her. In all honesty, Sara’s back did hurt. And she _was_ taking it too hard at the gym. Then again, when was she not? Her shoulders and neck were taut with tension.

As Ava started to dig into a particularly tough knot, Sara failed to suppress a groan. One that Ava would describe as borderline pornographic.

It went straight between Ava’s thighs. As if the moment wasn’t intense enough, Ava’s traitor mind flipped back to the dreamscape she’d been trying to forget.

She shouldn’t be thinking this. It was downright inappropriate to be looking at Sara’s strong back, touching her shoulders, and feeling like this. She cursed herself for leering. Ava’s hands nearly snatched back like a finger on a hot burner. She felt guilty. Dirty. And she definitely couldn’t be thinking this about Sara. 

Not after they _just_ discussed how Ava still didn’t feel anything. Yet here she was. This was just confusion and lust, not feelings. Ava was pent up or whatever. 

Sara didn’t miss the change in Ava’s movements after her accidental moan. Ava’s hands became stiff. Despite the relaxation she almost slipped into a minute before, Sara felt herself grow tense. It wasn’t exactly easy to loosen up now that her skin was burning under Ava’s palms.

The situation was far from sensual, it was awkward rigid hands on an injured back. It was practically medical. Ava didn’t mean anything other than helping Sara with some pain. So Sara definitely should have been focusing on how _good_ it felt just to have Ava touching her. When was the last time they had more than accidental contact?

When Ava’s hands made their way back to her lumbar region, Sara was thankful. Someone in the universe might be looking out for her. She was positive her heart was about to beat out of her chest at the contact. If Ava spent another minute in her upper back she would feel the chaotic pounding and realize exactly what was going through Sara’s head. 

It wasn’t just a physical reaction that the contact from Ava’s hands created. Sara was suddenly filled with such longing.

She saw Ava daily. They spent hours by each other's side. Her and Ava reconnected in a new way.

But Sara _missed_ Ava. Missed the way it felt to have the two of them completely and entirely connected. Between their shared belly laughs from easier and the touching now, everything was dangerously close to flooding back in. 

She tried to think about anything other than the sensation: sorting the mail or the creepy psychic in the movie they just watched or knife throwing. Anything. Just not Ava’s hands on her back.

Ava’s hands. 

On her back. 

So close to the waistband of her jeans. 

Sara’s back relaxed as involuntary tension coiled elsewhere. She could _not_ be thinking this. No, no, no, no, no. 

Whip fast, Sara sprung from the couch, grabbing her shirt and pulling it back over her bra with haste. She had to shut this down or risk feeling some sort of way.

If Sara wasn’t so lost in her frantic thoughts, she might have realized Ava was standing stick straight, shocked like someone just poured a bucket of ice water down her shirt. That, and Ava looked downright relieved at the change in contact.

“I’m gonna refill my water.” Sara was flustered. All she could do was hope Ava didn’t notice the glass she grabbed was almost filled to the brim. Ava used the moment to fire off a text to Nora.

_9:29 P.M._

_S.O.S._

Nora’s response was instantaneous. Ava could practically picture the combination of worry and exasperation on her face.

_9:29 P.M._

_I’m in bed so this S.O.S. better be worth it_

She chose to ignore the fact that Nora was in bed. Seriously, having a kid didn’t mean she needed to be asleep this early. Besides, this was much more pressing.

_9:30 P.M._

_I might have just given Sara a massage_

The gif Ava received in reply elicited a snort; it featured a stunned Eleanor from The Good Place. _Holy forking shirtballs was right_. 

Nora fired off a string of texts. 

_9:32 P.M._

_You better call me_

_9:33 P.M._

_Seriously_

_I’m waiting_

_Ava you better not be giving her another massage_

_9:34 P.M._

_Ray says go for it_

_Two thumbs up_

_9:37 P.M._

_Just friends my ass_

_It’s about time you stopped shutting down your feelings_

_9:39 P.M._

_Good thing you’re still married_

Ava wasn’t ignoring Nora’s frantic responses for no reason; Sara had returned from the kitchen looking suave as ever. Ava attempted to do the same as her phone buzzed incessantly across the table. 

“So, it’s getting a little late. The swim team has invitationals training in the morning.” 

Sara crossed her fingers that the excuse didn’t seem rude. Never before did she use something as flimsy as a short night of sleep for reason to stop being with Ava. 

Ava’s phone vibrated for the umpteenth time, giving her the perfect out. Not like Sara hadn’t just offered her own. “Nora is actually having a crisis right now, so it’s probably best that I head out.”

Ava shuttled to the door to slip back on her shoes. Behind her, Sara lingered. 

“See you soon?” As Ava asked the question, she fiddled with the neckline of her shirt.

This was so not keeping her cool. Not that Ava ever considered herself smooth, but this was taking it to new heights. She should be able to remain calm. There was nothing going on here. Nothing at all.

“Definitely.” 

Sara nearly slammed the door the second Ava stepped over the threshold. As soon as it was closed, she turned her back to the wood and let her head fall against it.

_What the hell just happened?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am absolutely in awe of how many of y'all have been reading this ❤️ Sending all of the thanks in the world, for real. Writing the second part of this fic has been such a fun experience compared to the angst of the beginning so I hope reading it has been equally fun
> 
> On Friday: no one gives advice like Nora and Laurel


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo excited and honestly elated at the response to last chapter; y'all are the best as always. this one is a bit dialogue heavy, what can I say, I just love to talk. Happy Friday!

Ava was barely in the car by the time she had Nora’s number dialed. The answer came within two rings.

“I didn’t mean call me in the middle of whatever it is you two are doing.” 

“Nothing was happening, Nora.” There was no way she didn’t sound like a big liar, not with the slight panic to Ava’s voice.

“You don’t send an S.O.S. when nothing is happening.” 

Nora was more than right. As Ava made the drive home from Sara’s, she described the events of the evening. It was when she heard a distinct clap noise from the other end of the phone that Ava stopped.

“What was that?”

Nora shuffled on her side. “Uh, what was what?” 

“Oh my god, did you and Ray just high five?” 

Two responses came at once.

“Absolutely not.”

“Yeah, we did!”

In stunned silence, Ava listened as Nora chastised her husband for ruining the moment. Their voices sounded distant, the phone pulled away from their ears.

“It’s not like we weren’t waiting for it to happen.” Ray was exasperated his wife didn’t share the same enthusiasm for the situation. 

They’d all been holding their breath until someone to make the move. Sara’s denial of feelings last time Ray broached the subject was a little too emphatic. The lady _did_ protest too much.

“ _Not now, Ray!_ ” 

“What were you waiting to happen? And who is we?” Ava’s questioning brought the couple out of their bickering.

Ray was now in charge of the device. His response came booming through with fervor. “For you to realize your feelings for Sara.” The _duh_ was implied.

“I don’t have feelings for Sara.”

She didn’t. This was just some twist of her hormones or the result of getting too close to someone. That was why Ava’s brain let her make the stupid decision to have Sara take her shirt off. And why she suddenly thought she could spend every night having as much fun with Sara as they’d just had. Those were completely normal, non-romantic things that happened. 

(Though if Ava was being honest with herself, there was something else happening there. Something she’d been ignoring brewing because it was so improbable.)

Ray could hardly believe what he was hearing. Even if Sara was sometimes clueless to emotions, normally Ava had her hold on them.

“Yes, you do. Come on. You blush every time she compliments you, spend all your time together. You’re actually charmed by her jokes which almost always take the punch line a step too far. You’ve just been oblivious. We all knew the penny was ready to drop.”

Once again Ava questioned the elusive we.

“Everyone, the whole group. Nate, Gary, Amaya, Zari. We were just talking about this the other week-” The words were muffled. Commotion came through the line as Nora gave several admonishing slaps to Ray’s chest before she snatched her phone and moved into the living room. Ava was glad for the distance from the situation. She’d been at the receiving end of Nora’s striking and it was far from comfortable. Clearly no one ever told Nora violence wasn't the answer.

If all of Ava’s friends had talked about this, it certainly explained Nate’s merriment at Thanksgiving. And his far from delicate comments. It didn’t surprise Ava too much to hear. The group was always meddling in everyone’s business; there were no hints of privacy between them.

Ava sat in the parking lot outside her apartment trying to wrap her head around Ray’s suggestion. Really, more than Ray’s suggestion. Gary’s and Nate’s and Nora’s. And maybe her own.

When Ava considered how the night played out, it seemed maybe, just maybe, everyone else was on to something. But only maybe, because if Ava really considered what Ray was saying, what everyone else thought was inevitable, it filled her with a slight panic at what it meant for the future and that was a lot to handle. The idea nothing was happening and that there were no deep affections between her and Sara was easier to deal with. 

“Don’t mind him. I’ve been trying to teach Ray for years sometimes there’s a _line not to cross."_ Nora raised her voice on those last few words, clearly reprimanding Ray even from rooms away.

“Does everyone think I have feelings for Sara?” An important question Ava wanted the immediate answer to. One she didn’t get.

“Isn’t the better question do _you_ think you have feelings for Sara?”

“No, I can’t. I tried, remember?” 

Why didn’t Nora understand that Ava tried so hard to make herself fall in love with Sara when she first got out of the hospital? If she couldn’t will the feelings then, they definitely weren't happening now.

And that was it. The whole problem. Ava spent initial weeks trying to force herself to want Sara at the start of this. She looked for feelings. Yearned for and hoped for and crossed fingers at the start. It hadn’t happened then. For this to be happening now seemed inconceivable. 

Or like some sick twist of fate that only after she’d broken them apart and their lives were back on track could she feel this kind of sentiment.

“Can’t? Or don’t?” 

“There’s no difference.”

“You and I both know there’s a difference. You’re a stickler for precision in language.” Nora’s response left no room to argue. This wasn’t a slip of the tongue. 

“Even if I did have feelings for Sara, which I don’t-”

“Which you might,” Nora corrected. If she didn’t think Ava would have hung up then and there, the response would have been _which you do_.

“Which I _don’t_. I literally ended our relationship. I moved out of our house months ago. Asked her to remove any thoughts of romance. She’s moved on.” 

Just because Sara said she’d be willing to try again when times were right for both of them didn’t mean this was it. And even if it was, did Ava even deserve Sara to let her back in?

Ava wasn’t dumb. Far from it. She was top of her class in high school, had only _one_ grade below an A in college - _screw quantitative reasoning -_ but oh how Nora thought she was stupid right now. 

“Please tell me you’re kidding. I know you know better than that.”

“Know better than _what_ Nora?”

Nora was ready to lay down the law. This had gone on long enough. She let Ava work through her life changes, helped her figure out who she was. It was high time to make her see the truth obvious to everyone else. 

“Here’s the deal. Sara is not about to stop loving you over a few months. She’s always shooting clandestine looks your way. She does _anything_ you ask. Things normal friends wouldn’t do.”

“That’s not tru-” 

“Let me finish. You need to do some introspection because you are seriously deluded if you think you don’t feel the same way. Not to sound too much like Ray, but you care about Sara way more than you consciously realize. That’s why she’s popping up in your dreams.”

Dammit Nate, was nothing sacred? 

Ava didn’t have much energy to fight in her. If her earlier reaction was any indication, she might be feeling some type of way. Still, it wasn’t in Ava’s nature to just concede.

“Couldn’t I just want to hang out with Sara because I like being friends with her?” 

“You could. If you didn’t want to rip off her pants.”

Crass. Nora was crass. Why was she friends with her again? That so wasn’t what this was about. “I don’t want to rip off her pants.”

“Then riddle me this. When you were giving her a so-called friendship massage, there’s no way you thought about her under you in a different way?”

 _Shut up, Nora_. “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

“You don’t see what that has to do with anything? Oh right, silly me.”

“That’s just unfulfilled libido.” These weren’t feelings for Sara. If anything this was just sex. And it _wasn’t_ because Ava didn’t feel that way about Sara. Her mind was playing tricks on her. Remember, she tried before and it didn’t happen.

No matter how much Ava hoped there would be a warmth she failed to control at the thought of Sara, it hadn’t happened. After the accident, she got to know Sara, lived with her, learned her quirks, her habits. She was drawn to Sara and was so lucky to have her in her life. But there wasn’t infatuation, no hint of something stronger. 

But now… no, there wasn’t.

Even as she said it, Ava was far from convinced.

Nora actually scoffed. Ava’d always been strong-willed, but this was taking it to a new level. Maybe the accident took a few too many brain cells along with her memories. Fine. She’d handle this via the Ava Method, with cold hard facts to back her up.

“So when you were watching that movie earlier, you didn’t think about grabbing her hand so you wouldn’t feel so jumpy?”

 _No_ was on the tip of Ava's tongue before she even had time to process the question. Had she wanted to do that? She was basically sitting in Sara’s lap. The question caused her to stumble over the denial. Nora took the opportunity to take her point even further.

“You don’t run to answer her texts the second her specialized canary call ringtone chirps? Or feel warm inside when she whispers something to just you when the whole group is together?”

Shit. 

“There’s no way you’ve looked back over all those videos on your phone, listened to those old voicemails from Sara on repeat?” 

The voicemails from their life before which Ava neglected to delete. The voicemails filled with such normalcy of a suburban life where Sara asked if Ava needed anything from the grocery store or called her to say “tag, you’re it” when they’d missed each other’s calls four times in a row or left a message just to say she loved her. 

Ava certainly never told anyone how sometimes, on days when she felt a little lost, she curled up with her phone to her ear and just let the old correspondence play until she felt calmed by the knowledge of just how much Sara once loved her.

Somehow Nora wasn’t blind to that. She also knew how Ava replayed the time they spent together in her head, rearranged plans if Sara wanted to hang out, regarded the journal Sara gifted her as a treasure. Nora pointed out each and every cursed detail.

Ava did these things because she was still attempting to sort out her past. And Sara meant a lot to her. She was an amazing friend… 

“Oh my God.” Ava barely managed to whisper it out. The glass shattered. The evidence was damning.

How had she missed this? Somewhere along the way, those moments Ava attributed to friendship morphed into something more. She’d been blind to it, having told herself months prior she didn’t have feelings for Sara. They’d definitely appeared organically. She didn’t even realize it was happening.

“Now do you see what I mean?” Smugness dripped from Nora. Her ego was showing. She didn’t outright tell Ava she was dumb, but she may as well have.

“You can’t sound happy about this. This is _bad_.”

Now Nora was confused. “Bad?”

“Yes bad! B-A-D. Bad. We’re separated.” Not that saying so meant anything given how adamant Nora was about Ava’s feelings. It would be easy enough for Nora to just brush it off. Ava needed more proof why her possible crush on Sara wasn’t a good thing. “She’s sleeping with other people.”

Ava could practically picture the flippant hand wave accompanying Nora’s response. “Oh, I doubt that. Just ask her.” 

(Ava would, later that evening. She’d send a text trying a little too hard to be casual, stating curiosity on Gary’s behalf as the reason why.

She would learn Sara went on a few trial dates, but it never felt right. She wasn’t in a position for moving on to someone new. The conversation would reinforce how important it was to stay open with each other. Assumptions weren’t getting them anywhere.

Ava would try to ignore how she couldn’t stifle a smile at the news. It shouldn’t make her happy; Sara deserved to move on. The relief she felt at Sara not having been with anyone else recently was enormous. And perhaps highlighted the depth of Ava’s newly discovered feelings.)

“It doesn’t matter anyway, I can’t ask her to just drop everything because I think I might have-” A crush? An inkling? “She doesn’t deserve that.” 

Not until Ava was sure. They’d talked about this. It had to be right for both of them.

Nora considered indoctrinating Ray to help get the point across. Like Sara wouldn’t stop everything at the drop of a hat if Ava asked. Try as Sara might to protest, her feelings hadn’t quelled as much as she thought.

“Next time the two of you hang out together, ask yourself if what you’re doing could be misconstrued as a date. I bet if you look for the signs, you’ll realize Sara is in the same boat as you are.”

Ava didn’t believe for a second Sara was in the same place. She told Ava she was satisfied with her current life. She wasn’t just sitting pretty until Ava had feelings for her. 

“She’s not in the same boat. It’s Sara, she would’ve said something. That woman couldn’t hold something in if she tried.” 

Sara was bold, not coy. There was no holding back when it came to Sara’s opinions. Restraint wasn’t exactly in her vocabulary.

Nora sighed on the other end of the line. Some shuffling was heard in the background as Ray asked to have the phone. Apparently he joined Nora again to eavesdrop on the conversation.

“Look, Ava. Sara is fearless about most things, but not when it comes to you. She isn’t courageous when it comes to her own heart. She’s an excellent coach and trainer and a wonderful friend, but she is so shitty at taking the plunge. Even if you agreed to be honest with each other, if you don’t let her know how you feel, I bet she doesn’t say anything.”

Like Ava would be any better at taking the plunge. Not in this kind of situation. She wasn’t even sure this wasn’t a completely fabricated set of emotions. Even with the incriminating testimonial Nora just dumped in her lap.

“Did we lose you there?”

“I’m processing.” Slowly. Ava was a Windows 98 desktop doing the sluggish buffer to connect to dial-up. 

Nora was back on the phone. “While you process, can we head to bed? You texted me just before lights out.” Ray objected in the background, he wanted to throw on the next episode of _The Mandalorian_. 

Ava criticized her best friend for being an old lady, but let her go. When she arrived in bed, Ava’s thoughts were possessed by Sara. The name was on her mind until exhaustion finally overtook. 

Sara’s evening went in a similar fashion.

First, she panicked. To work it off, Sara paced. And paced. And paced some more. She had a nervous energy she didn’t know what to do with. 

It was _just_ established that Ava wasn’t looking to get back together. And Sara told her she wasn’t waiting around.

Except now, all Sara could think about was how incredible their night was. She laughed with Ava like no one else, had felt completely at ease. With the exception of the awkwardness stemming from her own inhibition - _seriously, you just had to groan? -_ the night was idyllic.

So many of their recent moments had been.

Up until this point, Sara was certain she was okay with being platonic. There were no active feelings brewing. Everything was stagnant.

It was clear they had crossed a line. Everything she managed to hold at bay since their split was spilling past the floodgates. 

Sara needed advice and _not_ from an enthused friend ready to push them back together. She rang up her level-headed sister instead.

“Tell me again why Ava giving you a massage is a bad thing?” 

“Because I can’t feel this way. She told me months ago she wasn’t in love with me. We even talked the other week, and she said even though she was open to one day getting back together, she was far from ready. I thought I’d accepted that.” 

The night reignited a forest fire Sara thought was reduced to ashes. Sara needed to temper it down. Laurel tossed in some gasoline.

“I’m just saying, I don’t think I’ve ever massaged anyone I didn’t plan on hooking up with after.” The implication was clear.

“I don’t want to hook up with Ava.” 

Sara wanted Ava to be happy. Completely and entirely at ease at life. Comfortable and lighthearted and away from anything and everything that hurt her in the past. 

Sara didn’t want to take her out and interlace their fingers and open car doors and tell Ava how beautiful she is. To make things renewed. There was no wish to end every night curled up together in their bed. Sara certainly hadn't fantasized about the domesticity of normal life again. 

If she had, it meant the past three months were a lie. 

“You want her back.” It wasn’t a question, but Sara still attempted to deny it. 

Who was she trying to fool? She wanted Ava back. The overwhelming feeling of calm she had up until the massage was proof enough. A lazy night together was what Sara dreamed to have every night. 

That didn’t change the fact that Ava didn’t want her. “Ava was just trying to be helpful. I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” 

“Maybe this was her way of dropping hints?”

“Trust me, there were no hints.” It was as chaste of a back rub as Sara could even picture. 

Not to mention, they’d been impressive with their recent communication. Ava brought up Nate’s comment without prompting. They discussed the possibility of one day being a couple again. If Ava was having feelings, she would just say so.

Laurel’s sigh carried all the way from the Pacific coast. She wasn’t present for the past few months to see how Sara and Ava were with each other. If Sara said there were no hints, Laurel ought to believe her sister. But she’d never seen Sara feel the way she felt about Ava with anyone. Not even close. 

If Laurel had managed to get past Sara’s refusals and visit them, she would have seen the clear adoration radiating off both Sara and Ava. There would be no doubt in her mind the two were dancing around their past and fears at pushing too far. Laurel was always good at reading Sara and was even better at understanding Ava. The two had a deep bond she’d been missing deeply.

So, sue her, but Laurel was willing to push a little. Even without witnessing their recent interactions, it was impossible to believe they would never get back together. What could Laurel say, there was a romantic in her. 

Plus, feelings never were Sara’s strongest suit. Sara was known for her unwavering confidence and easy charm, but that was with people she didn’t care deeply for. Having experienced some of Sara’s early crushes, Laurel knew just how blinded to feelings Sara could really be. 

Damn, the girl was dense sometimes.

“Maybe it’s about time you start dropping your own hints.” 

Sara negated the suggestion without explanation. Laurel’s tone made it clear it wasn’t exactly a suggestion, more a command masked as sisterly advice.

“Why not? It’s been months. You didn’t want to push at the beginning, and I understood that. But this doesn’t have to be pushing. Take her out, do something special. If Ava receives it well then consider asking her on a date.”

Sara searched for some sort of excuse as to why she couldn’t do so. Her original plan was to be in Ava’s life and then try to prove herself as a partner. She never followed up on the second half of her scheme. 

It was fear holding her back. Whether fear of her own heartbreak or Ava’s, it didn’t matter. 

“Or you could just try _talking to her_ ,” Laurel pointed out. It was frustrating that she even needed to spell it out. Telling two adults to have a conversation was downright below Laurel’s pay grade.

But this was her sister. Sara needed to know Laurel was on her side and had her best interests at heart. 

Laurel was right, not that Sara would ever admit it. Sara could talk to Ava. She should. She needed to. After all, Ava didn’t hold all the cards. Sara had every right to bring up that she felt a spark. That she wanted them back if Ava told her she was ready. 

Laurel went on when Sara failed to respond. “Isn’t this what you want? If you weren’t secretly hoping for this, wouldn’t you have filed for divorce months ago?”

Sara cursed her sister for knowing her so well. They’d agreed not to file for divorce for practical reasons. Everyone heard about combined health insurance, how the cars were in both of their names. Those were the reasons for their failure to completely cut the cord. She didn’t tell anyone else how some part of her was holding out.

And that was what she was doing, despite what she told everyone. Perhaps without even realizing, Sara was lingering in the space between regular friend and lover. There was always a nagging sensation plaguing Sara around Ava. A cloying, sweet, warm burst of light Sara felt deep in her soul as much as she told herself it wasn't there.

She’d managed to tone it down enough to focus on the new relationship with Ava. Part of her knew it had been useless this entire time. Her feelings were way too strong and far too scary to even begin to describe as friendly. 

A long silence continued as Sara tried to get a hold on her thoughts. Too bad her sister knew her too well to let it go on for long. Laurel filled the lapse with a comment that went through Sara like wind in a corn field. 

“Daddy would want you to do this. To be courageous. He wouldn’t be okay with you living half a life without someone you love.”

If that wasn’t a punch to the gut. 

“That’s not fair. You don’t get to play the dad card on something like this.” 

Laurel, for all her ability to deal with Sara, was getting to the end of her rope. 

Sara was always the type to try and handle things alone. She denied Laurel’s requests to come visit and help her, rejected advice and words of wisdom. But it was killing Laurel to hear her sister miserable. So many of their previous phone calls included how “great” Sara was doing. As if Laurel couldn’t see right through it.

She may have been happy, but not as happy as she could be with Ava. The way Sara was with Ava was incomparable. A light and carefree and blissed out version of her sister Laurel was aching for.

“I’ve never used the dad card before. I’m invoking it here. Take Ava on a date.” If nothing else would get through to her, this would. It was hard to dispute their dead father and his wishes for Sara’s happiness. Sure, it was a low blow, but Laurel was grasping at straws here. 

Short of flying to Georgia and forcing her sister to open up to Ava, what else could she do? (Though Laurel would be curious to see how that plan would go down.)

“Laur, I’m not going to mess this up with her. She doesn’t feel that way. I have her in my life, I see her all the time. I’m not risking it.” Deny, deny, deny. The tactic had protected Sara thus far. She wasn’t even sure what she was fighting anymore. 

Neither was Laurel. “Stop fighting me. Just let yourself feel something real and do this for you.” 

Sara deserved to be with Ava. Keeping herself at a distance wasn’t helping anyone.

“I’m not going to pretend like I know what you’ve been through this year-” because Sara wouldn’t exactly let Laurel in to know how she was feeling “-but I know you and I know Ava. You deserve to have her. Give yourself this chance. If I’m wrong and it blows up in your face then when you visit next week, you can blame me. Berate me until you’re blue in the face.”

A concession. “You know I will.”

Laurel knew.

“And I can kick your ass.” 

Laurel chuckled; some things with Sara never changed. “I’d like to see you try. Daddy taught both of us to defend ourselves, or did you forget?” 

Sara laughed softly at the memories of her and her sister learning to fight in the garage of their childhood home. It was too bad Laurel always thought she was right because Sara would get a lot of pleasure out of telling her off when this whole thing didn’t work out.

Somewhere beneath the pessimism and hurt, a small voice cried out: what if Laurel’s right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (spoiler alert: Laurel is always right)
> 
> Up on Tuesday: some introspection and a blast from the past


	15. Chapter 15

Let it not be said that Ava couldn’t follow Nora’s advice. 

Nora recommended some introspection and introspect Ava did. She looked through every moment with Sara, investigated all the interactions they shared. Ava analyzed her feelings so deeply she was pretty sure she never knew herself better. And that was _with_ the memory loss. 

One thing was certain: Ava had feelings for Sara. 

When Ava took the time to look back on the little moments they shared, it was hard to believe she’d missed her own feelings. Maybe she was delusional, thinking she didn’t want Sara, because suddenly her previously commonplace memories were infused with color.

During their times spent halfway entangled on the couch or engaging in even the dullest of errands together, Ava was sure there was nothing other than friendship. Reminiscing on those moments was an entirely different experience. Every time she envisioned being with Sara, Ava was filled with an absolutely undeniable sensation of giddiness which could only be chalked up to _liking_ Sara.

It was as if she were in grade school again, all weak knees and fidgety hands. Despite the realization happening almost overnight, this development was really nothing new. This was growing _at least_ since Thanksgiving. When Ava squinted, the signs were building even earlier.

 _Dammit, why couldn’t this have happened six months ago?_

The agony of moving out could have been avoided. The forced split and separate lives. If these emotions appeared soon after Ava woke up, they would be together right now. They would have a joint life. 

While logically Ava knew that space was the only reason she felt confident in her life, while Ava was acutely aware that starting from a blank slate was what allowed this to bloom in the first place, it didn’t change the fact that it sucked.

Now, Ava was stuck in her own thoughts, having to figure out how to talk to Sara about this. Because as much as they’d grown closer in the past months, as much as Ava was certain she could share anything with Sara, revealing these feelings after everything they’d been through was, simply put, a lot.

It was almost unfathomable to believe Sara had the same caliber of feelings. Even with the unwavering confidence of their friends, Ava wasn’t convinced. She needed to see if Sara was in the same boat before bringing up the topic. Gather some tactile proof. See if their encounters could be mistaken for a date, as Nora put it.

While Ava inspected from one end, Sara investigated her own. 

Sara reflected on what she lost through the accident, how her life changed without Ava as her partner. The distance she felt in the past months was profound. Life without Ava to share every minute was duller in every way. Even as they’d grown to be practically inseparable, the intimacy missing was distinct.

Not that Sara was focusing on _that_ kind of intimacy. But even the emotional aspect, the closeness she felt when sharing every thought with Ava. Those missing moments added up. 

Laurel said she deserved Ava, and even though it was still hard to move past the events of the accident, Sara _did_ deserve a second chance. If Ava were willing to give one.

Sara thought about the amazing happiness she could gain from being open with Ava. If her and Ava could be together again, regardless of the ways they’d changed, it would be worth it. 

Maybe Sara was getting her hopes up. She didn’t know how Ava felt, and after recently determining that Ava wasn’t ready to get back together, she needed more proof before broaching the subject. She decided to follow just a speck of Laurel’s advice.

Not the part about talking. Not yet. That was vulnerable.

Sara needed to take action instead, feel in control of herself and her life for once. Laurel recommended she see if Ava was dropping hints, maybe try a few of her own. Which is precisely what Sara proceeded to do.

In Ava’s mind, a trip to the farmer’s market was not a date. Nora was wrong, and Ava was going to prove it by further analyzing every detail of this encounter. Sure, it was just Sara and Ava together. None of the rest of the group was invited on that grey morning just two days after the massage incident. But it didn’t mean anything.

The week before Ava went with _Gary_ to the market. If that didn’t prove this was the furthest thing from a date, Ava didn’t know what could. There was no way it could be misconstrued as a romantic engagement. 

At least, that’s what Ava assumed when she woke up in the morning.

So what if Sara and Ava were currently buying each other popsicles in the most outrageous flavors they could find? Friends did that. 

(Even if Sara told Ava this was a tradition they had on market mornings. They would each try to buy the weirdest combination of flavors, then get the other person to guess the taste. This was just a fun thing.)

So what if Ava’s chest caught fire at the sight of Sara’s nose wrinkling when she tried the Blueberry Goat Cheese popsicle? It didn’t have to mean anything.

Except, as Ava already knew, it did.

Sara looked at Ava with a mixture of disgust and confusion as she tried to guess the flavor, and Ava was pretty sure her heart would burst right there. Death by Sara Lance and her adorable face. And, okay, she really started thinking of Sara as adorable. 

The realization should have scared Ava. It didn’t. It just seemed right.

Sara was also striking and charming and playful, and she made Ava feel everything at once. Ava was back to her high school crush days of watching someone from afar and feeling her blood pressure skyrocket. 

Except this time it was someone she cared so deeply for. Someone she was technically married to. 

This time it was _Sara._

At the start of the day, Sara too assumed this wasn’t a date. Or datelike. Just two people, going to the farmer’s market. But as Sara injected her hints of something more, that idea seemed further and further from the truth.

Ava wasn’t exactly resisting Sara’s attempts at charm. Sara picked them up and drove. She paid for parking, swooped in to carry Ava’s bags of produce. It was a little more chivalrous than Sara normally went for, but she was testing the waters. Toeing the line. A line she couldn’t find.

A line which seemed to get even further away as the not-date went on. While Sara was looking through a stand of hand carved knife hilts, Ava snuck off to one of the stands to buy a bundle of flowers. Sara accepted them with a cheesy smile. 

Sara would be lying to say she could stifle the grin on her face; it was entirely out of her own control. The flowers were a little wilted, a product of the December chill, but as far as Sara was concerned, however, it was the most beautiful bouquet she ever received. 

In her post-gift daze, Sara almost made what she would consider a grave error. She just barely stopped herself from darting forward and planting one on Ava. At the last second she managed to make a detour, awkwardly skirting Ava’s cheek instead. 

Barely brushing Ava’s cheek with her lips wasn’t exactly subtle and Sara berated herself internally. But when she pulled back to see Ava blushing furiously, it was hard to regret.

There were about thirty other indisputable moments throughout the market trip to back up Nora and Laurel’s points. The day could most definitely be misconstrued as a date and Ava was certainly receptive to any hints Sara dropped.

After popsicles, Sara was left shivering. In hindsight, the choice to get a frozen snack rather than a warm drink seemed like a terrible one. Sara subtly swiped her hands over her arms in an attempt to stave off the rising goosebumps. In response, Ava offered Sara the sweatshirt straight off her back. 

A green hoodie with fraying hems and a cracked Stetson University emblem. One Sara wore around the house a million times a lifetime ago. A sweatshirt so familiar it was practically Sara’s. Ava tugged it off and insisted Sara take it. 

Ava wore a look which just dared Sara to try and fight her. Normally, she would be one to engage, but the idea of wearing something that was just pressed to Ava was so enticing Sara couldn’t resist. If that in itself didn’t prove Sara was already back in deep. 

(Truthfully, Sara would always be in deep for Ava. Ava, the person who made her feel like she was deserving of happiness. The woman who balanced her reckless behaviors and flighty tendencies and made Sara want nothing more than the domestic life she once swore she would never have.)

Both Sara and Ava were becoming more and more aware their counterpart _might_ be feeling the same way. Okay, who were they trying to fool? Definitely more than _might_.

The duo were walking back to Sara’s car after the market when they strolled past a sign they’d seen a hundred times before. Well, a sign Sara remembered walking past after every downtown trip, but one that Ava was skimming for the first time. A party store with blinking lights had a advertisement plastered in the window reading: 

**Balloons!**

_Latex_

_Mylar and Foil_

_Cloud Buster_

If you asked Ava, she’d never be able to pinpoint what came over her as she read the sign, but something made her blurt out, “Bust her? I barely even know her.”

It was four seconds. Hardly a knee slapper, and definitely not a joke Ava ever recalled making in the past. Those weren’t her style; usually Ava stuck with intellectual puns. She said it with jest and didn’t even skip a beat.

Sara stopped dead in her tracks. It almost left skid marks on the sidewalk. 

“What did you just say?”

Ava noticed the distance of the question behind her. As she stopped and turned to see Sara with a deer in the headlights expression, a quizzical look came to Ava’s eyes. Ava flushed at the joke she made. “Uh, the sign...” 

She awkwardly pointed back at the party store.

Sara’s resulting smile could light up the entirety of the Las Vegas Strip. 

“Yeah, I know. I told you that joke like two years ago!” 

The first time Sara saw the poster, she remembered nudging her elbow into Ava’s side, wearing a mischievous look which had Ava rolling her eyes before she even opened her mouth. Sara recalled the annoyance crossing Ava’s face and the way she said “I just can’t with you sometimes.” 

The second time they passed the sign, Sara repeated the joke, only to have Ava shoot her a fed up look. It was on the third time that Ava had to stifle a snort, covering up the noise and playing it off like she didn’t enjoy Sara’s stupid comments. After that day, it became a running gag to repeat the joke every time they passed the store. 

“How did you remember that?!” Enthusiasm radiated from Sara.

Ava had no idea. She saw the poster and it spilled out. No thinking. Like a reflex.

As she thought it over, Ava vaguely recalled a memory. It was some hot day, probably mid-summer. She could picture Sara and her reciting the words in unison, before Sara erupted into laughter and skipped ahead of her up the sidewalk. 

It was hazy and unclear, but Ava thought they might have bought some honey that day. She felt far removed. It was like watching a film reel faint in her mind. As if someone else experienced it.

“Holy shit, Aves!” 

Sara grabbed Ava by the forearms and jumped up and down. Her excitement was off the walls. It wasn’t even the thought of Ava’s memories returning; Sara long since accepted things were never going back to the way they were. But what a watershed moment. 

Even if nothing else came back, that piece of their old life was enough to make any doubts Sara had about trying to be with Ava again fly out the window. There were so many amazing moments they shared, and Sara was ready to create a whole new world of them. She was out of this world exhilarated. 

The moment was conflicting for Ava. What if Sara was still holding out on her memories returning and wasn't into Ava the way she was now?

(She’d bring it up later that afternoon. Sara would reassure her she was excited because it was something they shared and she missed the closeness they had. Sara realized how it came across though and never wanted Ava to feel like she was holding out for the old her.)

Any worries left quickly when Ava witnessed the pure delight in Sara’s eyes. She matched the aperture of Sara’s grin. 

Screw the confusion. She recalled a joke that was one of their things. And oh, they had _things_. Sara was still hopping around with ecstasy. It was a moment of pure bliss. 

Glee filled the space between the couple as they returned to the car, then Ava’s apartment to drop off the produce. Ava didn’t want the morning to end. Sara must’ve felt the same because as Ava went to depart, she said, “I can’t believe you’re going to leave me so soon.” 

Ava’s eyes sparkled. “Are you saying you aren’t sick of me yet?”

“Never.”

They wound up at the aquarium. A tourist trap. Kids ran under their mother’s legs and pressed greasy fingers against the glass of the fish tanks. Strollers got their wheels stuck on the edge of the moving platform in the shark tunnel. Between it all were Sara and Ava.

As far as Ava knew, she hadn’t been to the Georgia Aquarium before. She relished in the sight of whale sharks and manta rays, a childlike wonder overcoming her. Ava spurted out facts she knew, geeking out a little too much. For Sara, there wasn’t a better way she could imagine spending the afternoon. 

Even if museums and aquariums and botanical gardens weren’t normally the high paced atmosphere that matched Sara’s search for adrenaline, they were right up Ava’s alley. Anything which could bring such a wide smile to her taller counterpart’s face was enough for Sara to love. Under the blue glow of the tanks, Ava never looked more beautiful.

Ava could feel wandering eyes on her as she peered into the jellyfish exhibit. Sara hadn’t taken her gaze off her the entire day. She watched as Ava observed fish with delight **.** She stared at every bit of the stunning woman in front of her and wondered how she managed to convince herself she turned off her love. 

When Ava turned to look at Sara, she jolted. Caught in the act. Ava would be fooling herself to ignore that. 

It gave Ava the confidence she needed. Soon. She’d talk to Sara about her feelings soon. Ava probably wouldn’t be able to hold it in much longer, not with the way she went weak at every small interaction. And, in all honesty, they’d been waiting long enough.

“You’re leering,” Ava stated, as if it were an astute observation and not the most obvious thing in the world. She hip bumped Sara lightly. 

_Someone’s conceded_ was Sara’s response. Not like it fooled either of them. She was staring like an absolute idiot. 

How Sara hated when Laurel was right. Only this time, it meant Ava wanted her again. Sara supposed she could accept the way Laurel would certainly boast in exchange.

It was then that Sara psyched herself up. In the near future she would ask Ava on a date. Her wife, technically. On a date. No reason to be nervous. 

As the two of them walked through the aquarium, hands awkwardly bumped into each other. After the fourth time, Sara figured it was no accident. _Fuck it._ The next time their pinkies collided, Sara grabbed a hold of Ava and interlocked their fingers.

Ava’s stomach didn’t just do a somersault, it swooped all the way down to her feet, then up to her throat, did an acrobatic twist before settling back down in the middle of her abdomen. Ava glanced down at their hands, then back to Sara’s eyes. Such softness was shining that Ava was tempted to lean in. 

They were holding hands and Sara’s lips were right there and she was looking with the most encouraging expression Ava had ever seen. They were hovering just inches apart. Close enough that Ava could perceive the ghosting of Sara’s breath.

Sara’s eyes flickered down in a glance so fleeting Ava would never have noticed if she weren’t waiting for a sign which told her Sara was hoping for this too. It would be so easy to surrender into what it seemed they both desperately desired. They remained that way for a pregnant moment, caught in a stalemate charged with electricity. 

Just as Ava was about to take the dive, finally be brave, a flash in the distance caught her eye. She pulled back, distracted by a person both foreign and familiar.

Ava’s fingers slackened and their interlinked digits started to drop. Sara grasped on harder, then noticed the far off look in Ava’s eyes. Following her gaze, Sara landed on a collection of people at an adjacent tank. One wore a thirtieth birthday sash. Among the group was a woman, tall, with auburn hair. Model proportions. 

“Shit. That’s Morgan.”

Hardly twelve feet away from the couple was Ava’s ex-fiancée, visiting Atlanta for a friend’s birthday celebration. Ava maintained her position next to Sara, seemingly unable to move. Feet planted in place. Sara was immediately on the defensive. 

Sara wanted to waltz right up to Morgan, introduce herself as Ava’s wife. Tell her she never deserved Ava. That she would never hold power over her or hurt her again. And, woah, the possessiveness striking Sara was probably something she should unpack.

She wasn’t normally the territorial and protective type. Ava was more than capable of taking care of herself. But something about seeing someone who hurt Ava so deeply just hit different.

Sara realized she also felt threatened. She didn’t often feel this vulnerable, but it wasn’t long ago in Ava’s mind when she was engaged to Morgan. Chronologically, it was over six years since last seeing Morgan. It hardly seemed like six months to Ava. 

The next option which ran through Sara was running for the hills. To take Ava far away from the vision in front of her so Ava wouldn’t think about her past. And to keep her from longing for it when Sara was just starting to get Ava back.

Ava was instantly nauseated. She squeezed down on Sara’s hand in search of some grounding. Thank God Sara was there. Ava wasn’t sure what this scene would look like alone.

“What do you need, Ava?”

Ava simply shook her head. Her mouth was dry, her heart thundering, blood boiling. Morgan had broken her trust in the deepest of ways, and she was little more than thirty feet away, checking out a school of blue tangs.

“Do you want to go talk to her?” _Please say no_. 

Ava was in shock. How could Sara ask her that? Did she seriously think Ava was going to be drawn so easily to someone who betrayed her? Just because she didn’t remember the experience of Morgan hurting her didn’t mean she would just slide back.

Momentary fury blazed within Ava. Did Sara _want_ Ava to talk to Morgan? Shouldn’t she want Ava to stay far away from her? That would be the loyal thing, the protective thing. The reaction Sara would have if she did still have feelings for Ava.

Shit, did Ava dupe herself into reading feelings from Sara that weren’t really there?

“Absolutely not,” Ava replied through gritted teeth. She would be happy to live out the rest of her life without ever seeing Morgan or anyone else involved with the debacle. It would bring equal satisfaction to Sara. 

“Good.” 

Ava ripped her eyes from Morgan to meet Sara’s. “Good?”

Not good as in _I would have banned you from talking to her_. Good as in _she was a traitor to your trust and doesn’t deserve a second of your time._ Good as in _I don’t want her to hurt you again._ Sara swallowed any fear of overstepping to tell Ava. 

Ava’s shock died down. Sara didn’t think she was so easily swayed by her past that she would want to talk to Morgan. She didn’t want Ava to go over there. Sara was trying to give Ava any and every option she may need.

Part of Ava realized her initial gut reaction, where she wanted Sara to step up and be protective, was something to explore later. Ava would never tolerate a partner who was overly possessive. That sort of control wasn’t acceptable to her. But knowing Sara was on her side and in her corner? Ava more than tolerated it. She craved it.

“What do you want to do?” Sara still had her fingers locked with Ava’s. She ran her thumb over Ava’s, back and forth in soothing motions. 

The birthday party was proceeding down the aisle.

“Nothing. Let’s keep walking.”

With an imploring look, Sara questioned if Ava was sure. They could leave if she wanted, Sara wouldn’t blame her. 

The comfortable veil the day was spent under wasn’t yet gone, only momentarily pierced by Morgan’s presence. Even though the thick air of their almost kiss had evaporated, the rest of the day could still be great. 

They lasted the remainder of the afternoon without dropping hands.

That night, Ava fiddled with her phone contacts. Pieces of the past were still present there. Contacts from college project groups, associates from jobs she no longer worked. Morgan’s number. She went through and deleted each one no longer applicable to her life, hesitating only with her mother’s contact. She saved that one just in case.

Ava was done with searching out the parts of her past. If more moments like her joke from earlier came back, so be it. But she wouldn’t slide back to Morgan. Ava was focused on the future. 

She wanted to make a future with Sara. They _definitely_ needed to talk about it. And Ava was finally ready. 

Before she got the chance, however, the conversation occurred with Gideon. It was the day following the aquarium, and Ava was midway through her session.

She’d first discussed the hint of her memory returning in the form of a joke. It felt so far removed it was almost as if it wasn’t her own life. There was no emotional attachment to the recollection. 

Gideon explained it wasn’t uncommon for amnesiacs to feel that way after recovering a piece of the past. So much of the brain was interconnected. It was possible her ability to retrieve the memory was no longer linked with the parts of the brain responsible for emotional interpretation. 

In any case, Ava was surprisingly unbothered. It was because she made the decision she wanted to move forward with Sara. Ava kept her choice hidden for the start of the session. Omitting from your therapist was precisely what one shouldn’t do, but Ava wanted to keep it to herself.

 _What if Gideon thought getting back together was a terrible mistake?_ Or, rather, what if getting back together was somehow a terrible mistake that Ava failed to see? If Gideon opened her eyes to that, Ava would have to reevaluate everything yet again.

Ava carefully avoided the Sara topic, instead brought up seeing Morgan at the aquarium. There was no doubt in her mind choosing not to engage was the best choice.

When that part of the conversation passed, she sidestepped mentioning Sara again. Rather, they talked about the birthday card from Pam. Ava still failed to come to any conclusion about reaching out. Guilt ate away at her for avoiding her mother. Especially if she was trying to become a better person and better mom. 

“Unfortunately, I cannot tell you what to do. I can advise what I think in my professional opinion, but I can’t come to a conclusion for you,” Gideon stated. 

All of a sudden, Ava was snippy. An uncalled for attitude came out. Under her breath, Ava muttered, “Well, you told me what to do when it came to moving out from Sara’s.” 

“Oh?” Gideon’s response was one which teachers give when you accidentally say something inappropriate in front of them. It was coupled with a tilt of the head and an arched eyebrow.

As soon as the words came out, instant regret filled Ava. She wanted to slap her hand over her mouth. Figures she couldn’t avoid talking about Sara. 

“I didn’t mean that,” Ava rushed to answer.

“I believe you did.” 

Ava rolled her neck in lieu of a response.

“Ava, if there is something you don’t want to talk about, you don’t have to. These sessions are for you. Any boundaries you put in place are okay. But based on the comment that just came out, I think there may be something you want to address.”

Hands grasped into small fists that Ava quickly shook out. It wasn’t Gideon she was frustrated with. 

“I really didn’t mean that. I know you didn’t make me move out. You advised that I consider it, and I made the choice. It was the right decision. I know that.”

“What did you mean then?”

 _I’m upset with myself_ was what Ava offered up. Then, she pushed herself off of the chair. Gideon followed the path she walked with her eyes. Ava took rhythmic steps from one end of the room to the other, pivoting just shy of each wall.

“Do you want to tell me why?” Gideon could guess, but she left the question open. Ava stopped her pacing and blurted out her reply at a rapid fire pace.

“I’m upset with myself because I have feelings for Sara, and I just realized it the other day.” 

Before Gideon could inquire why having feelings for Sara was so upsetting, Ava amended herself. 

“I’m not upset about liking her, I’m upset that I couldn’t have felt this way before I completely uprooted everything. And even though I think she is willing to try again, I still have an ounce of fear that she’ll reject me. “

As her spiel continued, Ava’s hands moved with fervor. They shook out in time with the words spilling over.

“Sara and I have been in a phenomenal place lately, but it still scares me. I’m worried she might pull back because I ended things before. I don’t want her to try and protect my feelings and not give this a chance.”

Ava capped off the speech by slumping back into the chair.

“There are a few things I’d like to address with you, but first I want to ask is why you avoided bringing this up? I didn’t fail to notice that you never said Sara’s name until a minute ago.” 

Ava didn’t want Gideon’s disapproval.

It’s not like Gideon had control over Ava’s life. She was her therapist. A sounding board. A giver of advice and an advisor on how to handle her confusing emotional state. But Ava didn’t know what she would do if Gideon told her it was a bad idea. 

For the record, Gideon didn’t think pursuing romance with Sara was a bad idea. She had cautioned the initial forcing of feelings towards Sara so Ava could focus on her post-amnesia healing. 

Seeing how natural the build up was between the two of them, there was hardly cause for concern. Ava made tremendous progress from the trepidatious state she was in straight from her coma. Her relationship with Sara had evolved. If Ava felt ready, she was ready.

They discussed all of that. Gideon made sure to pause and highlight how trust between herself and Ava was important, and if Ava felt she needed to withhold, it may be in her best interest to see a different specialist. Ava rejected that. It wasn’t a lack of trust, but her own insecurities that being with Sara could be a bad idea she failed to see.

Gideon’s ultimate advice was the same as she received from Ray (and really everybody else in her life): talk it out with Sara. Approach the subject as a team because overthinking rarely got Ava anywhere but deep in a state of nausea. If they had trouble navigating their relationship given their history, couple’s counseling was an option, even if only to mediate the conversations between them. 

By the time the session was over, Ava felt a trillion pounds lighter. She didn't even know she needed an outsider’s perspective to confirm she was ready for this. That _they_ could be ready for this. 

A few hours after the appointment, Sara was set to arrive at Ava’s apartment for the evening. They would have ample time to talk. Ava tried to keep her anxieties at bay, but when patterned knocking came from the entrance to her apartment, she was pretty sure her heart bruised against her rib cage. 

With shaky hands and a dumb smile, Ava opened the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on friday we will finally, **FINALLY** , get some communication (verbal and who knows, maybe even some nonverbal too)
> 
> (Yes this chapter was a whirlwind of cute moments then steps back then hello memory(!) and almost morgan then steps back together again. I hope it didn't give you too much whiplash but, really, isn't that how I've been writing this whole thing?)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want everyone to know, I never had any intention of writing anything even remotely slowburnish. Hell, before this the longest thing I’ve ever written was like 14k. I guess 16 chapters and almost 60k words later I probably owe y’all some sort of an apology but it’s a little late for that soooo thanks for sticking with me

_Chicken._ That’s all Ava could think to herself. She was a chicken-livered, yellow-bellied, spineless, cowardly excuse for a person who couldn’t even bring up her thoughts with the very subject of them. 

Granted, Sara did come over with a lot on her plate.

The whole reason she was at Ava’s apartment that particular evening, a night after they held hands in the aquarium and the same day Ava was validated by Gideon, was because Sara needed a ride to the airport at 5:30 the following morning, and Ava obviously volunteered to be her private chauffeur. Even though it would have been easy to call a Lyft. 

The grounds for Sara’s trip were heavy: it was set to be the two year anniversary of her father’s death, and Sara was headed back to Star City to visit Laurel. When Sara arrived at Ava’s house, a duffel bag tossed over her shoulder, Ava was thrown for a loop.

It seemed inappropriate to bring up her feelings knowing the trip Sara was about to make. (And okay, maybe it was a convenient excuse. Sara seemed as strong as ever.) Rather than approach the topic occupying Ava’s thoughts, they instead talked about Sara’s dad.

As Sara reminisced about the late Quentin, she was filled with softness. Her dad was such a light. 

Laurel was always the daddy’s girl of the siblings; their mother encouraged Sara’s crazy adventures and unplanned decisions and so they held a kinship. When their mom passed from cancer when the girls were teenagers, it left Quentin to be harsh on a rebellious Sara and a virtuous Laurel. 

He was always more protective than Sara thought she needed. She wanted to explore the world via hitchhiking and couch surfing, free climb the most dangerous of cliffs (figuratively and literally). He and Laurel attempted to dial Sara back, something she was now grateful for. 

Sara left Star City as soon as possible after high school graduation, taking up a string of odd sports and gym related jobs, until a mentor convinced Sara Athletic Training was the path she was destined to take. When Sara enrolled in a Philadelphia based college, Quentin was ecstatic, sad only because of how far she was from their home. 

He never failed to express his undying support for Sara. Even if her decisions were sometimes enough to give him a damn heart attack. Not to mention the terrible attitude she had as a young adult. 

Ava listened to Sara talk about her father with all of the attention in the world. The way it felt to have Sara open up to her was indescribable. Enormous progress from where they were just months prior.

There was no way Ava could have predicted the two of them lounging across Ava’s bed while discussing such intimate memories. They were each turned on their side, an arm under their heads as faux pillows, staring into each other’s eyes. If the conversation weren’t so heavy, Ava would have been caught up in the way Sara was running her foot up and down Ava’s leg.

But not right now, for Sara was telling Ava the things she rarely told anyone.

She retraced the first time Quentin met Ava. They were barely two months into dating, but when Quentin went to give Ava the shovel talk, he also told her one day she would be his daughter.

Sara recounted how Quentin bonded with Ava over their love for early mornings and French roast coffee. How they once spent an entire trip to Star City without once going out to dinner because Ava was too excited to learn to cook from her dad. How Quentin served as a father for both of them, taking the time to walk Ava down the aisle, before doubling back and bringing Sara down as well. 

How much it crushed Sara when he died in the line of duty. A fire out of control, one even the fire department he worked for couldn’t handle. Smoke inhalation took his life six weeks after their wedding.

That fractured Ava in more ways than she could explain. Her heart hurt for Sara, for Laurel. But it also ached for herself. For the man Ava didn’t know. For someone willing to be a father to her when she essentially had none. 

And Ava couldn’t even remember. Of all of the things she wished to recall, Quentin suddenly shot to the top of the list. 

With a clap of her hands, Sara sat up from her lounged position against the pillows. “Time to stop being sad.”

“We’re not being sad. You know, it is okay to talk about how you feel sometimes.” Ava was really one to talk. 

Sara was okay with sharing these things with Ava. It gratified her to be in a place where she was comfortable being so open again. But it just wasn’t what she wanted to talk about. Sara was ready to take the plunge and address how she felt. She’d been hyping herself up all afternoon.

Unfortunately, the conversation for the night, while welcomed, went a different direction. It set the tone somewhere away from what Sara expected.

“Put your money where your mouth is then. Any feelings you want to share with the class?” Sara teased, poking Ava’s shin with her big toe. She was trying to establish the mood as something more playful. What she didn’t expect was Ava to clam up, roll off the bed, and awkwardly turn on the television while mumbling something about what they wanted to watch.

Ava berated herself for being gutless. There was the perfect opportunity and instead she distracted so as not to talk to Sara. _What are you so afraid of?_

The signs Sara felt the same were there. Clear and plain to see. And even if she were reading it all wrong, it didn’t matter. Sara was Ava’s family; that was more than clear. Considering all they’d worked through already, unrequited feelings were an old page in the playbook. 

Ava wouldn’t exactly consider herself good with emotions. In fact, Ava would describe herself as downright terrible. She remembered being too blunt and hardly sympathetic enough when high school friends broke up with boyfriends. Too many times Ava said something harsh instead of consoling, something abrasive when it should have been comforting. 

Feelings put Ava out of her element. The best and only way to deal with them was analytically. It was only after questioning her own thoughts and deeply looking into Sara’s actions that Ava was comfortable in knowing how strongly she liked Sara.

Ava was also confident she wasn’t reading Sara’s signals wrong. It was impossible to ignore the way Sara was overly chivalrous the day before. The way she caught Sara looking at her with eyes shining. Not to mention the hand holding. Or the near kissing.

Rationally, Ava knew she was interpreting the signs right. But there was one little shred of doubt, a leftover from too many insecurities. It was enough to have her hesitating. Ava took the cop out and put on some stand-up to cloud the issue she was too pussyfooted to actually address.

Thirty minutes into the comedy bit, Ava found herself looking down at a sleeping Sara. The shorter woman managed to doze off with her head on Ava’s shoulder, one leg lazily draped over Ava’s. Ava gazed fondly. 

_Fuck,_ she had it bad. She couldn’t believe she’d been blind to her own crush; every time she so much as glimpsed at Sara there was that sweaty palm, twisted stomach, blushing cheek sensation so indicative of how Ava felt.

It was so silly for her to say nothing. They’d talked about this, even if briefly. If the time felt right for both of them, then there was nothing to stop Ava from being with Sara.

This was Sara she was talking about. Ava watched Sara deny her own feelings for months starting the moment she woke up from her coma. It was obvious how close they used to be. Their hearts were joined and ever connected. 

Seeing Morgan the day before solidified it. She was engaged to Morgan, they dated for years. She loved her before the betrayal. Before she found out about treacherous actions and disgusting infidelities. 

Over previous months, Ava dealt with her relationship with Morgan. She processed in stages. Ava let herself be hurt, then pissed, then hurt all over again. She mourned the life they once planned together, then mourned the life she couldn’t remember with Sara. Morgan was one of many topics Ava addressed with Gideon until the sting faded. As much as Ava remembered being in love with Morgan when she awoke from the coma, now it was worlds apart.

Morgan’s surprise appearance yesterday didn’t reopen old wounds. If she saw Morgan earlier in her healing, Ava might have talked to her. Might have stood up for herself or might have been taken aback and whisked up in the nostalgia of someone she thought she was in love with not too long ago. Morgan’s presence instead had Ava doing nothing but desiring to stay away from the past.

Her life was exceptional now. Friends and work and Sara. Even when things were good with Morgan, before the cheating and what Ava assumed was a messy breakup, they were never really _that_ good. Morgan was everything Sara wasn’t. She was formal and followed the rules to a T. Always dictated what Ava should be, talking for her instead of with her. 

Everything about Ava’s relationship with Sara was different. Their bond was inevitable somehow. And so perfect.

There was just something about Sara. From her go-with-the-flow, no planning nature to her witty teases to her absolutely horrendous puns. Every moment with Sara seemed to top the previous one. It was clear her importance spanned further than Ava could comprehend. 

Perhaps that’s why opening up felt so scary. It would be stripping herself bare to tell Sara how she felt. Sara would witness her in her metaphorical naked glory and have the power to let her down. 

In their post jog conversation, Ava expressed how she never expected to say "Let's try again” and have Sara jump at the opportunity without question. Sara assured Ava she wasn’t waiting around for her. Which meant there was the potential for Sara to reject Ava, to say she wasn’t interested in restarting their relationship. 

To open up was nothing short of petrifying.

Ava was quick to frustrate at the best of times. In this condition, the resentment Ava held for her own inaction was only growing larger.

By the time the skit ended and Sara made the half-awake transition to the couch to get some real sleep before her early flight, Ava felt like bashing her head against the wall. Seriously. What was wrong with her?

She was supposed to be direct and brutal and up-front. Ava wasn’t loath to confront things. It wasn’t often that Ava found herself afraid to call a spade a spade. She reported slackers and advocated for rules and didn’t let anyone slide by.

Except for herself apparently.

She needed to get a grip.

Ava stared hopelessly at the little lines in her textured ceiling. Sleep refused to come. The empty expanse of her bed mocked her, especially knowing Sara was curled up on the suede couch a few paces down the hall. 

Sara wasn’t much better. Except instead of looking wide-eyed at the ceiling, Sara ran her fingers over the stitching on the sofa cushions. She was kicking herself for the whole night. She mentioned feelings jokingly only to witness Ava shut down. That in itself proved she was in the same state as Sara. 

Bringing this up should not have been hard. They were married, for God’s sake. But Ava always made Sara inexplicably nervous. Brought out flightiness and replaced almost every ounce of confidence with trepidation. 

Sara so desired to be back with Ava. To start over. They could have a life together again. Not a repeat, but a completely new beginning. It was what they needed, what they deserved.

There were complications, sure. Sara was still silently battling how her previous relationship with Ava might as well have evaporated into thin air. So many of the things that were instrumental to the old them were no longer there. But the potential for something new was so enticing.

This was stupid. She was Sara fucking Lance. She could ask a girl out. She’d asked out countless people and with none of them did she have as deep a connection as Ava.

Before she lost her backbone, Sara swung her legs off the couch and stumbled down the dark hallway with the goal of getting to Ava's bedroom. She made it twelve paces before running headfirst into Ava herself. She had the same idea.

They jolted away from each other, propelled like magnets with the same poles. When the absurdity of the situation hit it turned into awkward chuckles. 

“Couldn’t sleep either?” Ava offered. Sara nodded knowingly. “Got something on your mind?”

It was an open invitation from Ava. Sara wasn’t going to run away from this one.

“Yes, actually. We should talk.” She tried not to make it sound ominous, but Ava must have been on the same page because she gave a sweet smile in response. 

They wound up sitting on the balcony. The soft light of a citronella candle flickered over the scene. Ava and Sara angled towards each other on the wicker patio bench, an old blanket coating both of their legs to fight the nipping air.

Sara wasn’t sure how to approach the conversation. She toyed with _I like you,_ but it seemed too light and ill-expressive of what she meant. _Go on a date with me_ was direct and didn’t address the depth of the conversation they needed to have. _Let’s talk about you and me_ was dangerously close to transitioning into an inappropriate song. 

“How do we know if it’s the right time?” Ava saved Sara from using Salt-N-Pepa lyrics to open the dialogue, something she was instantly grateful for. 

Ava rushed through her next few sentences. She always was a rambler around Sara. “I know we said we’d only even think about getting back together if both of us were completely ready and sure and if we felt like it was the right time. So how do we know if it’s the right time?”

Sara smirked. Ava’s nerves were as plain to read as Sara’s. There was then no doubt in Sara’s mind; they would be completely and absolutely fine. “If we’re having this conversation.” 

Hope filled Ava. “You mean you…” She trailed off, crossing fingers that Sara would fill in the gaps. 

“Full disclosure? I’ve been trying to pretend I don’t feel anything for a while now and recently everything flooded back in. I know things will never be how they used to be and I don’t want them to be. I just want you. You’re…” _everything._

Ava was everything to her. Ava could practically feel the love radiating off of Sara. Everything she’d been afraid of lifted away. Sara’s confirmation she wanted her, the her she was right now, was all Ava needed. 

“I like you, Sara. Obviously.” Ava interrupted her confession with an apprehensive laugh. She pushed her hair off to one side and fiddled with the baby hairs at the base of her neck. A nervous habit Sara knew too well. 

“Obviously?”

“Yes, obviously. I almost kissed you yesterday.”

Some combination of surprise and offense crossed Sara’s face. “No, no, I almost kissed _you.”_

Ava gave Sara that look. The look which said _you’re ridiculous_ and _cut it out_ and _I adore you_ all at once. How she missed that look. Sara put her hands up in surrender, but not before goading, “So you like me, huh?”

A shake of Ava’s head accompanied her answer. “It sounds ridiculous to say that. This is so backwards. We’re married. But, wow Sara, I like you. So much. And I really want to--”

“Go on a date with me?” Sara jutted in. There went her restraint.

Ava gave a half-hearted glare at the disruption, but it dissolved as soon as it appeared. Sara was giving a look of absolute elation and clearly waiting for her yes. A yes Ava swiftly gave.

Ava’s hand dropped from the base of her neck down to her lap. Sara slipped hers into it, taking a beat to run her thumb over Ava’s before meeting her eyes. “Is this okay?”

Of course it was. 

Admitting her feelings, giving Sara permission to hold her hand, to make an advance for the future lifted all the tension out of Ava’s body. For the first time since Ava acknowledged her own crush, she could take a deep breath. 

“So this date, where are you taking me?” Ava asked, to which Sara replied with another laugh. Wow did Ava love Sara’s laugh. It flittered across the balcony and wormed its way straight between Ava’s ribs to ignite a fire. 

With all the anguish that used to line Sara’s eyes, seeing her this relaxed was a gift. Ava was reminded of the night before her birthday, sitting on the hammock. That night was perhaps the first time Ava really noticed how much Sara’s happiness affected her.

The sight of her in unfettered bliss was enough to make Ava weepy. Being the cause of Sara’s laughs brought it to a whole other level.

“Oh, I thought you were taking me out. If you’re not the one in control you might not be happy with the results.” What a pest Sara was being.

Ava swatted the backside of her hand against Sara’s thigh, though it was unsuccessful with their fingers still intertwined. “Jerk.” 

“Don’t worry, I have lots of ideas that include costumes and dramatic accents I’m sure you’ll enjoy.” 

Ava knew it was a gag, but her mouth still dropped open in shock. The grin from minutes before still hadn’t fallen from Sara’s face. Teasing Ava was as fun as always, but it was even more gratifying when it was coupled with the promise of romance. 

“I’ll handle it, really don’t worry. No costume play. Unless you’re into that.” Sara winked and even by the dim glow of the candle she could tell Ava was beet red. “Not that that’s what this is about.”

This wasn’t just a physical thing. Sure, Sara was as attracted to Ava as she’d ever been, but this was so much more. It was how Ava was her perfect balance and brought out the sides of Sara no one else even got close to. 

It was how, since the day Ava woke up, she made Sara feel like someone special, even when they were confused and on different pages. How she validated Sara and supported her and was somehow even more there for her than before the accident.

Sara made herself perfectly clear. She laid her cards on the table and told Ava exactly what she wanted. Sara wanted to date Ava. For real. If Ava would have her.

In a long run type of way. Unless Ava was unsure.

“Normally people do this before they get married,” Ava commented.

“Technically, we did do this before we got married.” _Touché_. Sara was dragging her fingers up and down Ava’s forearm as she waited for an answer. Now that she knew Ava liked her, she had permission to be touchy.

“Yes. I’ll have you. I want this. I want this with you.” Ava, for all her doubts over who she was and what her life should look like, had never felt more sure. Even if hardly three days ago Nora had to explain Ava’s feelings in explicit detail. 

Really though, there was no one else Ava could imagine getting her like this. Understanding all of her. Someone who appreciated her even when she had difficulties giving up control. Someone who accepted the baggage of her situation. Someone who endlessly supported her in every moment. 

So many things proved this. Sara was there at Ava’s first concert back at the symphony. She accompanied her to subsequent brain scans even after Ava had permission to drive. She made Ava feel special, even when they were in an entire group of people.

There was a looming question. “What does this make us?”

Dating? 

(While technically yes, it was hardly enough. Sara didn’t want anyone else, didn’t want to look at anyone else. Ava felt the same. They were really going to dive in headfirst. There really wasn’t any universe where Sara felt she could hold off her feelings and take things in a less exclusive manner with Ava.)

Wives?

(Yes, again, if they were talking legally. But they removed the title months ago, and it was necessary. Starting from square one, not running back to wearing wedding rings. Although things were developing fast for Ava, she was still growing in how she felt. )

“Girlfriends?” Sara suggested. The term wasn’t exactly right, but there was nothing to really fit their situation. 

Ava wanted to laugh at her predictability. She really was the biggest lesbian ever. Here they were, not having even gone on a proper date, and they were defining themselves as girlfriends. 

Then again, it would be the inevitable result of a date. To be exclusive with Sara and try again was what Ava knew she wanted. A real and wholehearted try, not just a casual attempt. So what if they were doing things out of order and on a very unique timeline?

“Do we tell our friends?” Ava wasn’t sure how she even felt as she asked the question, hoped Sara would have an easy answer. She loved them, those assholes, but it would also be nice to have a second to breathe.

As it turned out, Sara had the same thoughts. They settled on no, for now. They needed at least a date to get themselves settled and sure and figure out where they stood. Plus, their friends were nosy enough; somehow they would probably figure it out in little more than a day.

It was a lot of talking for one night, but it was time to address their needs and expectations as well. Sara found herself blown away by their maturity. They weren’t nearly this adult the first time around.

Ava explained what was quite possibly her biggest fear for the relationship: that Sara would always be comparing their now to the past. She knew Sara couldn’t forget the past, how could she? But this was a new them, a new start. 

While Ava was more than happy to know what they’d been through before and to learn about some of their favorite times together, she didn’t want a repeat. Or to feel like a cheap imitation.

Sara wasn’t holding out for the past. Not anymore. All Sara cared for was their future.

Sara expressed her fears as well. How as much as she tried to be the strong one when Ava left last time, it hurt her. Deeply. If Ava was feeling anything less than invested at any point, she wanted to be the first to know. If they made the pact to be upfront at the first hint of doubt, then Sara wouldn’t need to constantly guard her heart. 

While Ava knew Sara sacrificed herself for Ava’s recovery, Sara never outright told her how much it hurt. The confirmation sent a pang which caused Ava’s throat to well before she swallowed it down. She left last time because there was no way for either of them to heal without it. She wouldn’t put Sara in that position again. 

The solution was to check in with each other. To ask and be honest and stop hiding from their feelings. Easier said than done, but it was a deal they made and intended to honor. 

There would need to be more talks. More openness. Honesty hours and more learning. They couldn’t exactly rely on the old tactics anymore.

Ava was different. Less surefooted, carried more doubt. A product of not knowing the years of growth she’d gone through as an individual. She was less able to give up control. Was more likely to jump to an emotional reaction and want someone to protect her like she did yesterday when Morgan appeared. 

Sara was different too. More guarded than she used to be. More sensitive after what they’d been through. Less likely to go for grand gestures, trading it instead for the comfortable level of domesticity to which they’d grown accustomed. It was less risky that way.

The way they were talking this openly, however, made it seem like everything might fall into place. 

They remained in comfortable contact for hours, an air having lifted between them. Talking was normally easy between the couple and this time was no exception. Now that they gave themselves permission to show how they felt, everything was even lighter. The conversation was littered with sweet smiles and lingering touches. The kinds of touches they’d been consciously avoiding before they figured out their feelings. 

Hands slotted together, then apart. Fingers crept up forearms, thighs. An absentminded foot of Sara’s wrapped around Ava’s calves until it brought out a giggle. She always was a little ticklish. 

The whole time, Ava stared. She took in every part of Sara under the flicker of a burning candle and a glowing moon. It was a good thing she had permission to gape because Ava wasn’t sure she could hide how much affection was bursting inside.

With fingers linked and thighs pressed together, they spoke late into the night, until Sara failed to stifle a yawn so strong Ava had to turn away to cover her own. 

A glance down at Ava’s watch revealed it was after two in the morning. They had to be on the way to the airport in three hours. Fatigue was clearly hitting because Sara let out yet another yawn. She didn’t want to end the evening yet. 

When Ava suggested they turn in, her slightly commanding side educating Sara on how extremely important sleep was, especially before travel, Sara shook her head petulantly. “I’m not tired.” 

“You totally are. You’re going to be a zombie in the morning.” Ava broke their hands apart, placing her palms on the edge of the furniture in preparation to stand. Sara’s fingers lacing around her wrist stopped her in her tracks. Ava flopped back down and turned to face her.

“I’ll be the cutest zombie you’ve ever seen though.” Sara put up her trademark smile. 

“You’re too much,” Ava chastised.

“Or just enough.” 

Ava shook her head at the comment. She really just bared her soul to this woman. Her _girlfriend_. The rapid turn of her head caused some rebellious hairs tucked behind Ava’s ear to come loose. 

Sara darted out a hand to replace the strands in their proper position, her fingers hesitating after. She tentatively dragged her thumb over the angle of Ava’s jawline. “Just checking in. Is this okay?”

“Absolutely okay.” Ava’s response was feverish. The effect Sara had on her with one touch was more than a little intense.

Sara’s eyes were already doing the tell-tale dart from eyes to lips and back again, awaiting license to kiss. As she waited, Sara studied Ava. The smudge of mascara caught in the inner corner of Ava’s left eye, a bit she must’ve missed when washing her face earlier. The blonde eyelashes underneath where makeup had been removed. The smile lines present on her cheeks and the slightest tired bags starting to appear beneath her eyes. 

She was breathtaking. 

Ava noticed as many small details in the brief moment after Sara’s thumb came to her jaw. The somehow endless streams of freckles. The few misplaced hairs in her eyebrow from when Sara rubbed her face minutes before. That perfectly placed dimple centered on her chin. Ava would be okay spending years memorizing every detail. Well, re-memorizing. 

There wasn’t time for that now, though, because Ava was kissing Sara.

She was kissing Sara because she’d missed out on this for months. She kissed her to pay back all the lost time and everything that built up to the moment. Ava got so lost in Sara she hardly noticed one hand moving to cup Sara’s cheek, the other coming to her waist and into contact with skin cold from the winter breeze and taut against muscles. 

Sara completely surrendered. She had missed this, oh how she missed being this close and connected. It had been way too long, yet Sara would have waited forever. Finally, finally, she could let herself feel everything. Sara smiled into it, cheeks raising enough for Ava to sense the change in expression.

Ava smiled back, letting out a small noise of approval as she did. For this moment, everything else in the world floated away. There were no doubts or anguish, no accidents or break-up, certainly no doubts. There was only the feeling of Sara, soft and warm, pressed to her and loving this moment every bit as much as Ava. 

Ava broke the kiss first, but didn’t pull away. She hovered with her forehead pressed to Sara’s. Ava knew she probably looked like a fool, grinning like someone who won the lottery. But maybe she did. 

As far as first kisses went, this one was almost magical. A far cry from fumbling lips outside of the locker room like Sara’s first kiss or an awkward peck aimed so poorly it was more chin than anything else like Ava’s. This was two people coming back together after a separation far too long. 

Where Ava expected sparks to fly between them, all fire and fumbling hands given the way they were both worked up after the massage, it was tender instead. They fit together in a way so deep and profound, Ava found herself wondering how she could want anything other than this for the rest of her life. 

Something shined in Sara’s eyes, a look Ava had come to know spelled trouble. 

“What is it?” Ava inquired, possibly afraid of the answer, but more curious than anything else.

“I was going to ask if you’re sure you want to go to sleep. You have a perfectly good bed in there, and I know how big it is. Just saying.” Eyebrows wiggled suggestively in time with the comment.

Ava tutted. A half disapproving, half charmed noise. “Very cute.” 

There was no power to her words, hardly any criticism at all. At that moment, Sara _was_ looking very cute and Ava knew she was very, very screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😊
> 
> in the next chapter: sara visits laurel and we get a real date


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sending good vibes out for the week to each and every one of you! 
> 
> this is slightly less edited than normal due to me being on a school crunch so hmu with any glaring errors that need to be fixed

The morning passed in a quick haze of Sara attempting to make sure she had everything she needed packed and Ava driving her to the airport. They were running on under three hours of sleep, but neither would trade anything in the world for the night they had.

It was a weird position to be in as Ava dropped off Sara in the departure loop. They hardly just established themselves as a couple and here they were, with Sara leaving to visit Laurel for three days.

They lingered a little too long in the passenger drop off section, unsure of how to say goodbye. Ava knew she was being ridiculous. She could be without Sara for a few days, they weren’t that codependent. Absurd as it was, Ava knew she would be missing Sara something awful. 

Sara held the same sentiment. Now that they finally gave themselves permission to be together and try again, there was nothing Sara wanted more than to sweep Ava off her feet. The timing didn’t exactly hit perfectly, but then again, when were things ever perfect in her life. In the end, Sara was just happy to know Ava was hers again. 

They said goodbye with a kiss, a too long hug, another kiss, and a lingering hand hold, with promises on Sara’s behalf to text Ava upon landing. As Sara entered the terminal, she turned to see Ava waving goodbye. The horn of an impatient Prius behind Ava was what ultimately forced her to depart, but not before she witnessed Sara blowing her a kiss.

One day in and already in so deep.

When Sara arrived in Star City, she was greeted by Laurel and a beaming smile. For a bit, they could ignore the circumstances under which Sara was visiting and engage in their normal sibling banter. 

Sara turned the radio away from Laurel’s slow acoustic jams to a classic rock station, only to hear Laurel complain like they were teenagers again. There was teasing about Laurel and Tommy, a high school fling with whom she recently restarted things. Laurel grumbled when Sara placed her boots up on the dashboard and Sara affectionately flicked her off. 

Once in Laurel’s apartment, the light mood shifted. Sara walked through the living room, glancing at pictures framed on the fireplace mantle. Childhood polaroids and photos of Laurel with friends from law school filled Sara with nostalgia. One particular image caught Sara’s eye: Laurel with her arms wrapped around Ava after her first performance with the Atlanta Symphony. 

Laurel flew down to help them with the move and to support Ava in her first “big girl gig”. Sara thumbed the frame as her throat bobbed. It had been so easy for Sara to focus on herself and what she almost lost from the accident. She hardly even considered her sister. 

Laurel and Ava weren’t just casual sister-in-laws who saw each other once or twice a year. They were close, usually called each other a few times a month. Even time zones away, Ava and Laurel developed a bond over law school memories and their shared disdain for Sara’s troublemaking escapades. Laurel’s sense of family was just as ripped apart by the accident, but she dealt with it silently. 

When Ava lost her memory, Laurel lost a sister.

Sara should have called earlier. Should have called Laurel the second she came to in the hospital with her arm in a sling and Ava in a coma. Even though Sara never let herself consider it, Ava could have died. Laurel would have lost another person without getting to say goodbye. 

There was no way the thought never occurred to her sister. 

Sara heard soft footsteps behind her as Laurel looked over Sara’s shoulder. She gave a soft smile, meeting Sara’s eyes to see tears welling. 

“Sare, it’s okay,” Laurel consoled. Sara shook her head. It wasn’t okay. She regretted so much and she definitely didn’t need Laurel to be comforting her when Sara had done little to comfort Laurel.

“It’s not. I didn’t even _think._ ” 

Sara hadn’t made efforts to reintroduce Laurel and Ava, despite knowing how close they used to be. And Laurel never even brought it up, just let Ava do her own thing to get reacquainted with life. 

“I know you didn’t. I was really upset when you first told me about the accident.” As much as Laurel played it off as understanding, there was nothing she wanted to do but scream when she learned there were six whole weeks she was in the dark.

Laurel tugged the frame out of Sara’s hand and replaced it on the mantle before guiding Sara to the couch. 

“I’m _so_ sorry.” The apology was broken by a crack in Sara’s voice. A small, splintering noise that made her sound so small.

Sara hated the way the wavering made her sound weak, but this was Laurel. Laurel was perhaps the only person Sara was _really_ okay crying in front of. She’d seen her in tears over her first breakup and after nearly flunking math the year their mom died. Witnessed the complete breakdown that occurred when they lost their father.

“I know,” Laurel responded. Because she did. She could see in Sara’s eyes how much she regretted her choices, how much guilt was there immediately. “I’ve known you your entire life. I know how you think. And when you don’t.”

Sara was shaking her head again. She didn’t deserve Laurel sometimes. Laurel really was the better of them. It was hard to believe how blind she’d been to Laurel’s feelings. Laurel protected Sara all her life and here she did again. 

Sara thought that even though she was about to be twenty nine, she still had so much growing up to do. Laurel was proof enough of that.

“Ava’s your family too.”

Laurel nodded. She was. 

Two years ago, when Quentin passed, Ava was completely there for both of them. Their entire world crumbled as they lost a second parent. Even as Ava was filled with grief for losing someone who became her surrogate father, she was the one to hold up both Laurel and Sara. 

Ava took it upon herself to organize the majority of the funeral, the sisters being unable to fully handle it. They stayed in Star City for three weeks. The following year, Ava made sure to take the week off work to return with Sara and be there on the anniversary. 

It suddenly felt completely empty not having her by their side. It was really only a few hours since the last time they were together, but Sara wished Ava was there more than anything in the world.

Months ago, Sara told Amaya and Zari she never wanted to rely on someone the way she leaned on Ava. While it was true that Sara never intended to, she did rely on Ava. Ava had a way about her that let Sara know it was okay to be vulnerable, even when she kept her guard up with nearly everyone. God did Sara want Ava there.

Laurel was in agreement. She was missing Ava too. 

She was missing Ava and their dad and their mom and everyone she ever lost. Laurel was just glad things were okay. She didn’t know how she would have forgiven Sara if the circumstances were different. Luckily, she didn’t have to consider the alternative.

Her sister was here and Ava was okay and, at the end of the day, that was what mattered. She squeezed Sara in a deep hug. No matter what the circumstances, she was Sara’s sister first. She had her back.

Later that day, they sat in the damp, dead grass of the cemetery across from their parents’ headstones. The early evening was spent reminiscing between tears and laughter. Bittersweet. Cold sank through the layers of their jeans as they talked about their family and their childhood, relaxed the strong exteriors both sisters normally wore. 

Sara didn’t know how she could ever get used to the knowledge that both her parents were gone. She thought of them on a daily basis. Right after the accident, they were on the forefront of her mind. Sara didn’t think she could take losing someone else.

At the time, Ava’s memory loss felt so profound Ava may as well have died. Having Ava close to her and still in her life disproved that entirely. 

It was only a few hours before Laurel brought up their phone call from the week before and inquired, with a hint of smugness, if she was right about Ava. Sara really wanted to tell Laurel no, not give her the satisfaction, but it was impossible to hold in her elation.

“We’re dating,” Sara whispered, as if it were the juiciest secret she ever told. 

“Shut up!” Laurel exclaimed, pushing her sister so hard she toppled. “Why were you holding that in this entire time?!” 

This entire time being the less than twenty hours since the official declaration. Honestly though, didn’t Laurel at least deserve a text?

“Well I couldn’t exactly tell you you were right.”

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Laurel poked at Sara’s side. Her grin could only be described as shit-eating. Arrogant even. “Did I just hear you say I’m right? Are you feeling okay? Do I need to call the paramedics because it seems like someone replaced my sister with someone nice.”

Sara swatted at Laurel's hands. “Shut it. I’m happy okay. Don’t tease or I’ll never tell you anything again.”

“Oh no, you owe me. I want every detail.”

It was Sara’s turn to be self-satisfied. “Well, in that case, last night we were on Ava’s balcony when she leaned in for a kiss. Her hands slid up my--”

Laurel let out a displeased grumble. “Okay stop, not _those_ details.” Sara was too much sometimes. 

Sara chuckled as they settled down. She went ahead and told Laurel of their conversation. How they settled on being girlfriends and on Sara taking Ava out on a date the day after she returned from Star City. Sara regaled Laurel the plan, how she even requested Ava not pick her up from the airport so when they next saw each other it would be for the date and not with Sara exhausted from the travel. 

(Which, when Sara reflected on it, seemed like a dumb idea. All she wanted was to be picked up by Ava and curl into her side and see her face and talk to her until she was too tired to form coherent sentences.)

Laurel smiled throughout the whole thing. This was how it should be. Sara chatting about the woman she loved, not Sara claiming she was happy with Ava only partly in her life. She flashed back to almost five years ago, with Sara going on and on about a woman she met at a New Year’s party that she couldn’t stop thinking about. To helping Sara organize a plan to get Ava to really date her.

This was how it was meant to be. And this meant Laurel could reestablish herself with Ava again too. 

Laurel wouldn’t be visiting for Christmas and Sara’s birthday that year, instead spending it with Tommy’s family. She insisted upon a Facetime session with Ava soon, to which Sara gave her word it would happen. 

It happened that evening. Sara called Ava in a moment of weakness. She knew it was desperate, _knew_ that she should just send a few texts and call it a night. Ava was four hours ahead, it was far too late to call her.

But maybe Sara’s digits slipped hovering over the favorites icon. And maybe Ava answered on the first ring because she was contemplating making a call at the exact same moment.

“Are things so boring with Laurel that you resorted to listening to me?” 

“Couldn’t I have just missed my girlfriend?”

Ava responded with an honest to god giggle. One that turned up the heat inside Sara’s chest. Ava was far too old to be made giddy by a single word and yet.

They settled into small conversation, as comfortable as they always seemed to be lately. It was when Sara got flustered, her voice raising in pitch at some dumb taunt from Ava, that Laurel poked her head through the doorway.

The same way Laurel used to do with the landline fifteen years ago, she snatched the phone from Sara’s grip, darting to the living room while her sister chased behind. The slip of socks on glossy wood floors had Sara wiping out in the hallway, giving Laurel a head start. Laurel turned the call to Facetime, to be met with a startled Ava. They were already engaged in conversation by the time Sara caught up. 

The video call lasted hours, but it turned out to be exactly what both sisters needed. Laurel wanted more than anything to become close with Ava again. Ava found they clicked within seconds. 

For a moment there, Ava felt cheated. She wished she knew how close her and Laurel used to be. There was a second where she was almost mad at Sara for keeping her from this. But as quickly as it came on, it passed. Everyone was trying their best since the accident. Ava couldn’t focus on what was missing, only on moving forward.

For Sara, it was as if her life was coming back together. All of those things that changed still changed. But this familiar situation, of Ava and Laurel grumbling together over Sara’s bad habits and chatting amicably without even a second of awkward pausing, was indescribable. It was almost perfect.

Sara was dropped off at the airport days later with one of the tightest hugs she’d ever received and a stern command from Laurel not to mess things up on their date. 

Two thousand miles away, Ava was in Amaya and Zari’s living room for game night. Sara’s presence was missed.

For everyone but Ava, however, it was the perfect opportunity to goad her about her feelings towards Sara. This group was relentless.

Zari brought up how at the last game night Sara sat on the backrest of the couch with Ava between her legs so she could easily lean over and help with her strategy. Ray happily told the whole room about the massage incident. _Traitor_. Gary made sure to mention that Ava spent all of the previous Sunday with Sara, a farmer’s market trip turning into the entire day. Ava’s far too intimate dream was previously relayed to the group by Nate. He repeated the story in exhaustive detail, until Ava was so red she thought her cheeks might start steaming.

Ava was glad she hadn’t told anyone about her admission of feelings or their newly defined status. They didn’t need the ammunition.

For a few days at least, it was nice to have Sara to herself. Just knowing she didn’t have to stifle her feelings had Ava at ease, even with the almost aggressive comments about how she and Sara were destined to get back together.

At least Amaya had the decency to look guilty at the rest of their brazen remarks.

“What wrong with you people? Do you want me to hate you?” Ava’s tone was perky, but they really were being more than a little ridiculous. 

“No. We want you to love Sara,” Gary replied. He was their biggest shipper. 

“Maybe you should consider letting me figure it out on my own. You know, like a normal group of friends?” A group of friends who weren’t so far up everyone else's asses. 

Not that it really mattered; her and Sara _hadn’t_ been able to figure it out on their own. She needed Nora’s interjections and Sara required the assistance of her sister.

Between bites of nachos, Zari answered, “Full offense Ava, but if we left you and Sara to your own devices you’d never talk about how you feel.” 

Grumbles of agreement went around the room. 

Which, fair.

But still.

“I did have to spell it out for you,” Nora pointed out.

“We get it, I’m helpless to my feelings. You’ve all been very helpful.”

Even though Ava played it off as being annoyed, they really were instrumental in revealing her own density. She would probably owe them thanks after her and Sara came out as a couple.

The group suspended their pestering for a while, proceeded with a few noisy rounds of Catch Phrase and charades rather than continue to push Ava.

At one point, Ava found herself in the kitchen with Amaya as they refilled their plates with snacks. Of everyone in the group, Ava was least close with Amaya. She was generally Sara’s right hand woman. The duo didn’t often find themselves alone together. 

“Can I offer some unsolicited advice?” Amaya’s tone was gentle; she was genuinely asking. If Ava said no, Amaya would actually respect it, unlike the others. She motioned for Amaya to proceed. “I know the rest of them have been nothing short of overbearing, but it’s just because they care. Don’t let them sway you. You and Sara should take things at your own pace.”

Little did they know.

“We’ll get there. It just might help if everyone else stopped pushing.”

Amaya’s laugh rang out. “I strongly doubt that with this group.”

Ava mouthed _yeah_. She didn’t see that happening either. 

“If you ever want to talk to someone who uses a little less brute force though, I’ve got your back.” Amaya squeezed Ava’s arm before moving to the living room where Nate was attempting to act some ridiculous movie for charades. Ava followed at a distance. 

Her friends were tumultuous and uninhibited and all lacked respect for social graces. But they were caring to a fault. Ava felt lucky to have them, even when she wanted to kill them.

Ava took Amaya up on her offer to be a sensible and nonjudgmental sounding board the following evening. What Amaya wasn’t expecting when she arrived at Ava and Gary’s shared apartment was the trainwreck formerly known as Ava’s room. 

Clothing was strewn everywhere. Pants and sweaters and formal dresses were on Ava’s bed, floor, vanity, dresser. Hangers were pulled out of the closet and tossed aside. Ava felt so stupid. She couldn’t figure out what to wear.

When Amaya questioned why and Ava revealed she was going out with Sara, the fondest of smiles came across Amaya’s face. She held in her excitement. It was about time. Ava didn’t need that right now though, she needed someone to quell her nerves. 

“I know I shouldn’t be nervous about this, but it feels really unprecedented.” Which was ironic, considering that a first date with Sara held precedent. She’d experienced it before. Too bad Ava didn’t remember how it went. 

If she knew that their first date ended with Sara falling into a fountain, she might be a little calmer about this event.

“Sara’s not going to care what you wear, trust me.” Amaya picked through the separates, before holding up a truly atrocious blouse. “Don’t wear this though.”

Ava fingered through her shirts. Nothing seemed right. This was a casual night. Sara already told her what they were in for to ease some of the nervousness Ava was harboring: a trip to one of the pop-up ice skating rinks, a walk through the annual Christkindl Market, then dropping Ava back off at her apartment. 

Despite knowing how much Sara cared for her, Ava was beyond nervous. She _liked_ Sara in that stupid, butterflies-in-her-stomach way that had Ava feeling completely out of control. That in itself was terrifying enough to admit, without even considering their history.

“What are you actually freaking out about? Because it’s not the outfit.”

Amaya heard Ava groan from within the closet before poking her head around the door. 

“I don’t want to mess this up.”

“I don’t think you could even if you tried.” Which, logically, Ava knew was more than true. Logic didn’t really seem to hold much weight that evening.

“What if it’s not as good as it was the first time?” 

Despite them having already talked about this, Ava couldn’t turn off the worries. How could she be better than herself?

Amaya moved to Ava and ran her hands down Ava’s forearms. She clasped their hands together.

“What happened in the past doesn’t matter. You, now, that’s what matters to Sara. Focus on that.” Amaya was right, Ava knew it. The way she spoke, so completely relaxed and assured, dissuaded some of Ava’s nerves. Amaya carried herself with an ease and certainly that warded off the rambunctious thoughts Ava had difficulty halting.

“Okay, yeah. You’re right.” 

Ava still had no idea what to wear. 

In the end, Amaya helped Ava settle on a green wrap-front sweater and jeans, paired with sensible, but still fancy, black booties. Amaya curled Ava’s hair and talked her down. With a promise not to tell the rest of the friends, lest they ruin the whole evening by sending millions of fawning texts (or worse, showing up at the date), Amaya left Ava. 

Ava paced back and forth in her kitchen for thirty painful minutes, waiting for Sara to pick her up. She was thankful Gary was out for the evening. He would have made a million comments to amp up her nerves even more.

Finally, a knock came to Ava’s front door. With a centering breath she opened it.

Sara beamed when she saw Ava. A brilliant smile of ecstasy.

Ava was dressed up. Her hair was cascading over her shoulders in soft waves. The wrap front of her sweater was just low enough to leave Sara imagining more and the heels of Ava’s booties highlighted the height difference between them. Damn Ava was tall. And Sara was _into it_. 

“You look incredible Aves.” Like a goddamn Amazon. Stupefied. That’s how Sara looked with her jaw hanging open and a shine in her eyes.

Ava tucked her tongue into cheek at the comment, pink appearing on her chest. Sara was right in front of her in her own outfit of ripped jeans with a bomber jacket, looking the perfect combination of casual and fashionable.

Ava wanted to kiss Sara. She went to hold herself back, before realizing she had permission to. The realization was freeing. On her tiptoes, Sara swooped up to meet Ava’s mouth, smiling against her.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Ava was smitten. Holy shit, how had she deluded herself into thinking she wanted to be platonic with Sara? She really was an idiot and the goofiness of her smile proved it. 

From there, everything slid into place. Things were already so natural between them. Talking and laughing and poking fun and looking longingly. The only thing really different was now they allowed themselves to feel openly and touch more than accidentally.

Sara certainly took advantage of it. Ava was never one for overly grand PDA (making out in public wasn’t necessarily her style), but strategic hands on lower backs and arms linked together was something she was more than okay with. Sara hardly let a minute pass without them in contact.

In the car, her hand rested on Ava’s thigh, drummed lightly against the seam of her jeans. When they arrived at the skating rink, they sat so close to lace up their skates it was honestly ridiculous. The close positioning did, however, afford Ava the perfect view of Sara’s mismatched socks: one printed with the Loch Ness Monster, the other otters holding hands. Ava teased her more than a little for the pairing. They held hands while skating, stayed so connected that when Sara got overconfident with her talent and crashed to the ice, she brought Ava down with her. 

Ava relished in every moment of the date. All in all, so little had changed in the way they were interacting. It was comforting, knowing this was building upon the friendship they spent the past six months working towards. 

By the time they moved to the Christkindl Market, with its lights on trees and holiday music and sounds of people laughing, Ava was absolutely glowing. Sara could stay the same. It probably wouldn’t have mattered what they chose to do as a date; being together was more than enough. It always had been.

That didn’t mean it wasn’t monumental when Sara saw hot chocolate still glistening on Ava’s bottom lip and she didn’t have to stop herself from kissing it off. 

The way Ava looked positively giddy in return was so customary to the way they used to be. Sara knew she was falling headfirst back into this. Not that she ever had a chance. Her love for Ava never went away, was only cloaked and smothered down. Now it was roaring.

Sara was consumed by graciousness. This was her life again. Ava was her girlfriend again. She could dote on her and tease her and stare at her with heart eyes so sickeningly sweet it made the Belgian chocolate they bought seem sour in comparison.

By the time Ava was being dropped off at her apartment, she was certain this could be the rest of her life. She didn’t even want Sara to leave. They were so used to each other’s presence, and after the few days spent apart while Sara visited Laurel, Ava was craving even more time together. 

Part of her recognized that _maybe_ she shouldn’t be letting herself fall so fast. In no other relationship in her life did Ava ever think things like this without months of carefully planned dates and distanced interactions. The rest of Ava couldn’t bring herself to care.

The thoughts of rushing forward were only stopped by Sara halting them to ensure they did this thing right. Took the time they deserved. Ava honestly had to check in with her own self control; she was about to invite Sara in and bring her to a bedroom with a locked door. 

(Ava would later be grateful for Sara taking it slow when she saw the disaster area that was her room.)

In the entirety of the time Ava had known Sara, she never failed to be courteous and respectful of Ava’s boundaries. Ava was blown away. For all the abrasiveness Sara used in her jokes and with their friends, she was so soft for Ava. 

Ava was gooey right back.

Sara had Ava leaning against the door frame of her apartment door, engaged in a goodbye that lasted more than ten minutes. Ten minutes of hands dragging up and down arms. Of them giggling and whispering sweet little words that would probably have them gagging if they heard anyone else saying them. 

They knew they’d see each other tomorrow. And probably the next day. And if they were being honest with each other, most likely every day for the foreseeable future. Especially given that it was winter break from school and Ava finished up holiday performances a few days earlier. 

Still, they cherished the goodbye, taking all the time in the world. When Sara finally departed, after too many pecks ( _just one more_ ), Ava entered her home in the most cliché way ever. In a moment of stereotypical infatuation, she stood with her back to the door, head dipped back against it as Ava hugged hands to her chest. She wore a disgustingly saccharine lovesick smile.

“Something you care to tell us?” 

Nora’s voice had Ava jumping out of her skin. One arched eyebrow was raised in a look that said Nora knew exactly what Ava was up to. To Nora’s right was Gary, wearing a similar, albeit more ecstatic, expression. She and Gary had just stolen a few glances through the peephole before the embraces they saw scandalized them. 

Ava’s cheeks raised involuntarily. The privacy for a few days was nice, but there was no way Ava didn’t want to gush to her friends about what happened. 

“Let me tell you everything.”   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Friday: some Christmas happiness and the reason we have a mature rating folks
> 
> thank y'all so so much for all of the love throughout my time writing this. It really has been a journey and the support means so much. Hopefully these happy chapters make you feel warm and fuzzy inside!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy some christmas eve bliss and soft sex for your start to the weekend!

The following days went in a blur. A flurry of moments where Sara and Ava spent most every minute together in beginning-of-relationship, honeymoon bliss.

Christmas was just around the corner and Sara and Ava were planning to truly celebrate. 

On Christmas Eve, it was typical for them to spend the evening at Ray’s. He and Nora put on a party that was the talk of the suburb. Their house was lit up with enough strands of lights to power a small city. They had eggnog and hors d'oeuvres and karaoke. 

Everyone drank and sang and basked in the spirit of togetherness. Ava didn’t remember, but it was one of her favorite days of the year. She’d soon feel that way again. 

When Ava asked how they normally spent Christmas Day, the answer was a little less straightforward. The holiday was shared with Sara’s birthday. As a kid, Sara was a little bitter that the big day overshadowed her. Ava always made sure to honor both parts of December 25th. 

It felt inappropriate to say the morning was usually spent having birthday sex. As much as Sara and Ava spent almost every moment together after their date, filling the time with subtle touches and less subtle make outs, they had yet to discuss this. 

(Not that it _really_ mattered. They were adults and, objectively, it’s not like ten days was exactly taking it slow.)

Sara reminded Ava of her birthday, but skipped the graphic details. Settled instead for telling Ava they did a small gift exchange between the two of them before baking the afternoon away. 

Well, Ava baked the afternoon away. Sara spent the day dipping her finger into raw cookie dough and being a general annoyance. She was never great at following recipes to a T. In the evening, they would return to Ray’s for Christmas dinner with Nora, Freddy, and Nora’s dad, Damien. This year would be no different from usual. 

With the exception of, well, everything that was different from usual.

Ava and Sara planned to attend the Christmas Eve party as a couple. So far, only Laurel, Nora, Gary, and Amaya knew of their new girlfriend status and, honestly, Ava was surprised Gary managed to last the half a week without combusting from holding in the news. 

There was no doubt in either woman’s mind their friends would be beyond supportive. For goodness sake, they practically tried to force them back together. Still, when Ava arrived to pick Sara up for the celebration, a hint of nervousness took up residence in her chest.

Sara picked up on it immediately, soothed Ava with a gentle touch and an even milder smile. Just as quickly as the anxiety came on, it was gone. Maybe it was that Sara could read her that well. Maybe it was how, despite the rockiness of the year, it had been completely smooth sailing since admitting their feelings. Maybe it was just the fact that Sara was looking so cute it was nearly criminal, bundled up in an ugly Christmas sweater.

Seriously, Sara had no business looking as adorable as she did in that ugly of a sweater. It was positively garish, with a teal, red, and purple pattern, topped with a neon pink flamingo. A flamingo wearing a sequin Santa hat lined with three-dimensional felt. Sara paired the horrendous top with jingle bell earrings.

It was the most gaudy outfit Ava had ever seen Sara wear, yet she was more than delighted at the woman in front of her. She might even be willing to admit something about the foolish outfit was kind of working for her.

When they arrived together at the Christmas Eve party, surprisingly, no one paid them any mind. At least for the first minute. Probably because there was such an aggressive game of beer pong happening in the backyard. Sara and Ava traipsed through the crowd of Ray and Nora’s neighbors and fellow high school staff. 

Nate was the first of their friends to see Ava and Sara hand in hand. Across the yard he mouthed _holy shit_ to Ava, while simultaneously elbowing Ray to get his attention. It was Sara who responded with silent words of her own: _shut up_. It held little meaning. She was elated to be holding Ava’s hand, even if every one of their annoying friends commented on it.

They remained at each other’s side for the entirety of the night. They played beer pong with their friends and drank too much eggnog. Sara ate more than her fair share of the charcuterie board while Ava covered her back. As the night got later and most of the attendees got drunker, the karaoke picked up. 

Ava was resistant to sing, it really wasn’t her style. She always felt self-conscious of her voice. But when Sara stood up in front of the crowd, started with her rendition of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, and extended a hand, how could Ava say no? She belted the eight minute long anthem and ended in a fit of giggles.

It was as if everything were falling into place. Sara made Ava feel unlike anyone else. Nights with Sara had Ava wanting to sing her happiness from the rooftops so everyone knew. It was in stark contrast to all of the uncertainty and apprehension that plagued Ava since she woke up. 

Sara was living for the night. This was her holiday dream. Surrounded by friends who were her family, Ava by her side. Sara always loved the holidays. This year she adored them even more.

Late in the evening, Nate asked them to come into the living room for a second, a devilish look in his eyes. Nate just sort of looked like that sometimes, like he was scheming. Ava and Sara didn’t give it a second thought.

When they were in the room, Sara opened her palm to ask _what gives_? Nate smirked and looked up, his eyebrows raising three times. Sara maintained her annoyed expression until Gary gave up the gag. 

“You’re standing under mistletoe.” He practically sang it.

As if Ava didn’t already flush enough around Sara, now she was positive her face was absolutely on fire. Sara’s appeared the same. 

“ _Nate,"_ Sara hissed. This was so not cool. Although they’d been gross with their affection throughout the night, Sara wasn’t completely sure of Ava’s boundaries. They only just told everyone and were still figuring themselves out.

“You can just kiss me on the cheek,” Sara offered. Ava shook her head affectionately. There was no way she was going to hide any bit of adoration she had for Sara. Even with their leering friends observing. The next thing Sara knew, Ava guided her in by the small of her back and brought her in for a peck on the lips.

It was small. Chaste. But they were in public, their idiotic friends ogling. Sara grinned at Ava. When they turned, Gary, Nate, and even Zari wore identical smiles. 

“Okay, beat it. You’ve had your fun,” Ava chastised. 

Later, they got their friends back. Ray and Nate were forced to engage in a kiss that was surprisingly passionate when they found themselves under the mistletoe by Sara’s doing. There were also kisses exchanged by Gary and Zari, much to Zari’s dismay.

This was possibly Ava’s favorite night ever. It didn’t matter how much of her past was missing, how much hurt there was over the previous months since the accident. This night made it all worth it.

Ava rejoiced in the feeling of love from her friends. In getting to be by Sara’s side. Ava couldn’t stop herself from fixing her gaze on her girlfriend. Even in that silly sweater with tacky earrings, she was radiant. Sara’s face was flushed from eggnog and her eyes were gleaming with joy. Ava wasn’t sure she’d ever seen someone more beautiful. 

Ava wanted her more than she ever wanted anyone.

Just before midnight, Sara and Ava headed back to Sara’s car, having bid the party adieu. Sara went to open the passenger door, but was stopped by Ava pressing hands on her hips. Backing her into the car. Welcoming her into another kiss.

Ava shifted against Sara, let her hands slide from hip to lower back as Sara leaned against the door. Sara drank Ava in. 

They were vaguely aware of some voices in the background yelling cheers of congratulations. Someone hollered _finally,_ another voice called out _get a room_ , but the two of them hardly noticed the audience of friends. They remained completely focused on the sensation of each other until the unmistakable noise of an air horn forced them to separate. 

They resumed the action later, leaning against the pillar of Sara’s front porch.

“We could take this inside,” Ava panted out, as Sara distracted her with the sensation of teeth grazing her earlobe. It mirrored her dream all those weeks ago. Maybe Sara did have a thing for exhibitionism. Even though it was more than late enough to avoid prying eyes of the neighbors, they were definitely still in public.

“Ava Sharpe, are you inviting yourself in for the night?” Sara’s tone was taunting. The perfect tease. She really thought Ava was about to reach the point where she said goodnight and returned to her apartment. 

Sara didn’t expect a cocky reply and an even cockier smile. “So what if I am?” 

Which led to crashing through the front door, pinning Sara’s back to it the second it closed. Their embrace was drawn out until Ava couldn’t take it anymore.

She wanted to be closer to Sara. Even with the full pressure of Ava’s body against Sara’s, this wasn’t enough. They moved from the foyer to the living room, where Sara found her way to straddle Ava’s lap and continued to kiss her in ways that should have been illegal. Hands grabbed feverishly as hips bucked. 

Warning sirens blared in Sara’s head; they should slow down. Talk about this. That thought was truly a testament to how things changed. In the past, Sara would never be one to pull back from an embrace. Now though, with Ava, she needed to check in.

Ava’s hands were already beneath Sara’s shirt, searching for contact. When her thumb slipped under the band of Sara’s bra, Sara broke the connection between their lips. Blue eyes stared forward as Sara asked, “Do you want to go further?”

Which, _obviously_ , Ava almost replied. No wonder they took so long to realize they had feelings for each other. Ava was here, grinding into Sara, and yet she was _still_ asking if Ava was into it.

Sara was looking at Ava with earnest, an unmistakable seriousness to her imploring expression. It was then Ava understood how much Sara was letting her take the lead with their intimacy. Sara kept surprising her. For all her brashness, Sara was never anything short of respectful with Ava. Constantly verifying Ava’s boundaries. Even when Ava woke up from a coma with no memory, Sara was always mindful.

Until now, Ava relished in everything feeling so right with Sara, as if her body missed Sara even when her mind didn’t know it. Suddenly, anxieties flooded in. Sara knew her body in ways that Ava didn’t know Sara’s. Sara had five years of experiences to reflect on. She could rely on knowing what Ava was into and how her body would respond.

The awareness that Ava didn’t know what Sara liked was paralyzing. As was the fact that Ava didn’t even know the last time she had sex. If anything could cause a dry spell it was amnesia. 

All of these thoughts appeared on Ava’s face in the form of furrowed brows and widened eyes. Sara pulled back further, readjusted herself so she was sitting back on Ava’s thighs.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Sara reassured. She made a move to dismount to the adjacent seat cushion, but was stopped by Ava’s hands.

“Oh no. I definitely want this. I do, I just,” Ava started, feeling stupid. This wasn’t be a big deal. Sara knew everything about her, had probably been there for every embarrassing moment in the world, and was still there. “I don’t want you to be disappointed if it’s not as good as you remember.”

“I could never be disappointed being with you. Ever.” Thumbs rubbed soothing lines over Ava’s forearms as Sara stared with the same tenderness from before. She extended a pinkie, “I promise.” 

Ava chuckled, taking the pinkie in her own for a shake. Sometimes Sara was a child. But these promises were unbreakable. Even with the silliness Ava felt at the action, the pinkie promise was reassuring.

“If you’re not ready we can stop. Really, that would be okay.”

Ava shook her head. She definitely did _not_ plan on stopping. “Just, tell me what you like? I want to make you feel good.” That was perhaps the most important thing to Ava. As much as her body was screaming for this, more than anything did Ava need to show Sara how much this meant to her. How much _she_ meant to her. To make Sara know the depth of her feelings.

Sara nodded, before moving her hands to either side of Ava’s cheeks to pull her in for another kiss. 

“Bedroom?”

Ava answered by hoisting to a stand with Sara in her arms. Sara wrapped her feet around Ava’s back, gave an impressed look as Ava staggered towards the master bedroom. When Ava deposited herself on the bed, Sara still on her lap, she continued her actions from earlier. Hands slid from Sara’s waist to her back to toy with the lace of her bra, before coming to the hem of her shirt.

“Can I take this off?” 

A breathy yes was Sara’s answer. 

Having spent time at the pool earlier in the year, Ava was more than prepared with the knowledge that Sara was cut from stone. She recalled having said that about Sara’s arms the day she woke up. Little did Ava know they would find themselves here, with those same strong arms draped over her shoulders. Having Sara this close to her, abs on full display, was a different experience. Her girlfriend was _hot_. 

Ava dragged her fingernails against Sara’s torso, prompting Sara to let out, “Feels good, Aves.”

Sara’s hands were all over Ava, on her hips, in her hair. Fingers traced the space between her collarbones. Sara was mapping out every part of this moment. Savoring it. Nothing could explain how it felt to have Ava here again. 

Eventually, Ava’s own shirt found its way off and Ava ended flat on the bed. Sara worshiped the body in front of her. Kisses went from the junction of Ava’s jaw and ear down to her sternum. They peppered across her entire chest, pressed into cheeks and chins and eyelids. 

Only once Sara was positive there wasn’t an inch she hadn’t given attention to did she pull back to take in Ava. Ava, who looked absolutely stunning with pink in her cheeks and darkness in her eyes. 

Sara was glad when Ava enveloped her in another kiss; she was positive she was about to let out some words Ava probably wasn’t ready for. Because _fuck_ did Sara love Ava and not saying for the past seven months was the hardest thing. Feeling Ava against her wasn’t doing wonders for Sara’s self control. She was at the precipice of letting it all out.

Ava’s hands toyed with the button of Sara’s jeans, but without fluidity. Waiting for permission. 

“Yes, please. Take them off.” 

Ava pulled them halfway down Sara’s thighs before they got stuck between their bodies. With swiftness, Sara hopped off of Ava to shimmy out of the jeans. When she looked back up, Ava’s pants were discarded as well. 

“Figured I might as well, we know where this night is going,” Ava said, with a shrug. Like she didn’t just reveal the world's longest and most beautiful legs without even giving Sara a second to prepare. Sara stared, slack jawed.

“You’re gorgeous.”

The blush she got in response was enough to knock Sara even further off kilter. Wow did Sara miss this view. There was nothing that compared to Ava. No picturesque sunset or verdant rainforest, no national park or revered painting or hidden corner of the world that even came close to comparing to the sight in front of her. 

Sara recovered her composure as quickly as she lost it. She was about to dive back in with her adoration of Ava’s body when Ava snorted, then covered her mouth with her hand.

“What?” The question was said with a smile, fondness dripping out of it. Ava removed her hand to reveal a grin from ear to ear. Sara tilted her head as she repeated the question. “ _What?”_

“I like the pattern.” Ava jutted her chin towards Sara’s bottom half. Sara flicked her eyes down to witness the pattern of the underwear she chose; peach emojis were littered on the cheekies. 

“If you’re going to make fun I can put my pants back on,” Sara threatened, not a hint of conviction anywhere to be seen. Like anything short of literal doomsday would cause Sara to end this moment. (And honestly, even that might not stop her.)

Ava shook her head, before pulling Sara back down to her. “I like them. They’re so you.”

They were humorous and sexy and decidedly not planned for the night. It was so perfectly Sara. So perfectly them.

When bras were cast off, Sara took the time to draw her fingers over the red indentations from the garment. Deliberate motions encircled Ava’s rib cage. Every inch of Ava’s body deserved admiration. Sara would have been happy to stay there, work delicately into every square of Ava’s skin, but Ava needed more. More of Sara.

With a quick motion, Ava got Sara onto her back, their positions flipped. Now Ava could access Sara’s neck where she sucked gently at her pulse point. Hearing the moan that left Sara, Ava grazed her teeth over the same location.

Ava said she didn’t know what Sara liked, but Sara was secretly wondering if maybe all of Ava’s memories came back. She’d always been weak for neck kisses. For a harsh bite that would surely purple followed by a soothing tongue. Which was exactly the action Ava was performing, drawing enthusiastic, eager whimpers from Sara.

Sara was struck with the realization she should be doing Ava first, making her feel good. Intending to tell her as much, Sara opened her mouth. 

What came out instead was a desperate and needy gasp as Ava thumbed the edge of Sara’s cheekies. Ava smirked. The validation that Sara wanted her this much turned her on almost as much as Sara’s mouth on her body. 

Ava continued to stroke the junction between fabric and skin, brought her mouth down to Sara’s ear. “Tell me what you want.”

If Sara were able form a coherent thought between Ava’s ministrations at her thighs and breath on her ears, Sara might have said something more specific. Rather, she panted out, “Yes. You.” 

Ava rolled her eyes before hooking her thumbs on peach-printed material. “How do you want me?”

All Sara could think about was how she needed Ava. She possibly never needed anyone more than she needed Ava right then. She was dying for her touch. To feel close to Ava for the first time in so long.

In general, Sara wasn’t one to beg. She prided herself on being oh so cool, but Ava was enough to make her throw that out the window. There was no being cool right now.

“Fuck, Aves. Fingers. Inside me.”

Ava was happy to oblige. She worked her way into Sara. Gradually, tenderly, not sure exactly how Sara preferred. Thankfully, Sara was every bit as expressive in bed as she was normally. She let out quips of pleasure which quickly became less than eloquent as Ava built her up.

As breaths became more ragged, Sara reached out a fumbling hand. It searched for contact, eventually curling around the wrist that stabilized Ava above her. With some careful readjustment, their fingers threaded together. Something about that small gesture completely reframed the intimacy of the moment. Made them feel a million times closer even though there was only so much closer they could physically get with Ava’s fingers inside her.

Sara’s head leaned back to the pillows, her eyes closing for a moment to focus entirely on the sensation of Ava. Ava against her hand and within her. She felt nothing but Ava. Ava. Ava. 

Ava, and a tightening in Sara’s chest. One that was something between a whimper caught in her throat and an inferno that squeezed her heart. In the strongest of ways. Because Ava was touching her again. Because she was Ava’s again and she had her back and this was the capstone of an already ideal evening. Sara was pretty sure she wanted to live here for the rest of her life.

A whisper against her lips pulled Sara back. “Open your eyes. I want to see you.”

When Ava curled her fingers forward to bring Sara to her peak, it was a year's worth of emotions that came out. The high rushed through Sara. Ava coaxed her down, fingers still moving after her thighs finally stopped clamping.

Sara was never one to cry after sex, but she couldn’t stop the welling in her throat that threatened to release. It was possible she never thought she would feel this close to Ava ever again. It wasn’t until Ava was using the pad of her thumb to wipe a tear streak from her cheeks that Sara realized she failed to suppress the emotional overflow. Which was exactly the opposite of her plan. She went to withdraw, to pull back, but was stopped by Ava’s palm on her chest.

“Talk to me.” 

Sara shook her head, scrubbing at the wet tracks on her face. “Fuck, sorry. I’ll have you know it’s normally sweat dripping down my face, not tears.” Sara attempted a wink after the comment, but it fell short. It didn’t stop the look in Ava’s eyes that pleaded _talk to me._

“I didn’t think we’d have this again. It feels so good to be yours.”

Ava swelled with a flurry of emotions. A combination of infatuation and awe and pride and desire. Sara on a normal day was stunning. It was one of the first things Ava noticed about her. Sara under her was something else. Sara saying she belonged to her though? 

“Softy.” Ava teased. Easy to address. Much easier than the crescendo within Ava’s own chest at seeing Sara this overcome with emotion.

“Don’t go telling our friends. Can’t let them know I have a heart.” Like there were any delusions Sara wasn’t the most caring of them all. Ava wouldn’t tell though, she wasn’t going to share this moment with anyone. 

Ava followed up on Sara’s comment. “You’re mine, huh?” Her eyebrows went up with the words. A smile formed. Ava liked it. Liked Sara being hers. 

“God, yes. Yours Ava. Always will be.” Sara would have waited fifty years for this moment. Her entire life if it meant Ava got to take her apart like this. It wasn’t just her body that was aching for this, but her soul. It was as close as Sara could get to saying _I love you_ without overstepping and ruining the moment for real.

Not that it would have ruined the moment; it was more than a little obvious. The same words weren’t yet on Ava’s lips, but she was thinking just how much she craved being Sara’s right back. Belonging to Sara might be the best thing in the world.

Ava leaned forward to press their foreheads together, in the process brushing her center against Sara's thigh. She felt Sara’s cheeks rise. Sara bent her knee, increased the pressure against Ava. In return, Ava’s jaw dropped. The emotions previously clouding Sara’s mind traded out for desire to make Ava feel every bit as good as she just did.

A swift roll brought Sara to the top of Ava. She swiped a finger over Ava’s nipple, to which Ava responded immediately. Hips canted up. 

“Tell me what you want.” Sara parroted Ava’s words back to her. 

“You know what I like.” 

A shake of Sara’s head was the answer. Because even if she knew what Ava used to like, what made Ava squirm or moan or beg for more, Sara needed to know what Ava was ready for now. This wasn’t about the past, it was about this moment.

“Two way street babe,” Sara replied, her fingers still ghosting over Ava’s breasts. When there wasn’t an answer, Sara brought her mouth down to suck a purple mark on Ava’s chest.

That was enough of a catalyst as anything for Ava to request Sara’s mouth on her. Which was what Sara was hoping for, if she was honest. She would’ve been delighted to do anything Ava requested, but historically, there was nothing Sara enjoyed more than oral. She loved this.

Loved the feeling of Ava hot against her tongue. The feeling of Ava tugging on her hair, guiding her to just the right spot. Sara’s arm wrapped around a thigh as she devoured Ava. 

Ava was certain she wasn’t going to last long with Sara between her legs. And Sara was probably used to them doing longer sessions, trying each and every thing their minds desired. Those doubts were enough to occupy her thoughts, distract Ava from the sensation of Sara. 

Sara recognized the change and pulled back. “I can hear you thinking.”

How was Ava supposed to tell her she couldn’t stop thinking? That while she was able to completely focus on Sara when she was the one giving, now she was conscious of how everything might be different from before. There was a breadth of experience belonging to Sara and there were a million things Ava could do to ruin the moment.

Ava didn’t need to say anything in the end. Sara soothed, “I got you. Focus on me, how I feel.”

Which Ava thought would be easier said than done. Until Sara, still with her eyes locked into Ava’s, slid fingers inside wet heat. She brought her mouth down simultaneously. It was a welcomed sensation which finally tuned down the running worries until Ava wasn’t thinking about anything at all. 

Just like before, Sara’s free hand searched out Ava’s and squeezed tight. 

Ava finished hard and fast, but with the way she felt Sara smile against her, embarrassment was the furthest thing from Ava's mind. 

While their first kiss was two puzzle pieces clicking back together with mellow ease, this was crashing together with something Ava felt so strongly, down to the depths of her soul, she almost couldn’t comprehend it. 

Spending time with Sara was always fun and exciting, nerve-wracking and comforting, all at the same time. This was all of those things and more. A blissed out series of moments that climaxed with a surge of emotion strong enough to wipe any qualm Ava ever had right off the face of the Earth.

After her heartbeat returned to something more steady, Ava urged Sara up by her hair, welcomed her into a kiss that tasted of her and Sara. Sara whispered, “You’re beautiful.” She meant _I love you._

Sara followed it with, “I missed you.” The soft, choked exhale Ava made in response said the same. She missed Sara with something immeasurable, something she didn’t even have the words or knowledge to explain. 

The sky was the milky grey of early morning by the time Ava finished exploring Sara’s body and Sara was done doting on hers. They lay face-to-face, Sara sweeping her fingers up and down Ava’s side. Ava’s eyes were closed, but not yet asleep. She hummed at the sensation.

“Happy Birthday, Sara.” Ava’s voice was laced with the thickness of sleep and endearment. She opened her eyes to be met with the sweetness of Sara’s grin. Bright and peaceful and the slightest bit weepy.

Sara was filled with so much emotion. Things were coming back to normal, even with the differences. Being with Ava again was incredible, a revelation. The hurt of the year was still there, still so much to process and talk about. There was no one better for Sara to go through it with. 

The last thing Ava heard before sleep overtook was Sara's honey-sweet voice. “Merry Christmas, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk about y'all, but I'm so happy to let them be happy for a beat 😊 
> 
> I haven't figured out the final count, but will probably be defining the number of chapters shortly. We are starting to wind down, but not without some challenges that still lie ahead. As always thanks for your thoughts and support and comments and love throughout this work!


	19. Chapter 19

Sara woke to the sensation of fingertips dancing up her spine. A light dusting that tickled and soothed her. She turned her head to see Ava, laying with the tender smile she’d been wearing frequently. 

She took in Ava’s morning appearance, complete with lips still swollen from where they were bitten the night before and one particularly dark bruise a little high on her neck. Ava looked ravished in the best of ways.

The wind left Sara’s lungs, blown away by Ava’s beauty. The first time around, Sara never got used to the way looking at Ava rendered her speechless. Somehow, it was even stronger now. Sara was positive the feeling would never lessen.

“Not a bad way to wake up.” Sara’s voice was raspy, laced with sleep. Her eyes flicked to the clock on the bedside table. 6:12 A.M.. Ava always was an early riser, but this was so early the sun wasn’t yet hinting through the blinds. Sara groaned as her head collapsed back down. 

Ava chuckled before placing a kiss to Sara’s shoulder. “Go back to sleep, birthday girl.”

There was a small twitch at the corner of Sara’s mouth.

The next time Sara came to there was an indent in the shape of Ava to her left rather than the woman herself. In her half-awake state, Sara could make out the sound of off-tune singing floating from the direction of the kitchen. 

She stumbled out of the bedroom dressed in nothing save for the oversized turtleneck Ava wore to the party the evening before. A turtleneck not really long enough to cover Sara, but exactly what she wanted to spend the morning in. Why would she wear her own clothes when Ava’s were there? Sara came up behind Ava, stopping to press a kiss to her tattoo before wrapping her arms firmly around the torso of her girlfriend. 

Sara squeezed hard enough that Ava almost groaned. Not like there were any real complaints on her end. She turned for a proper hug and an exchange of good mornings. 

“I’m working on one of your birthday presents.” Ava gestured vaguely around the kitchen. On a floured surface sat a white dough, cut into careful squares. A vat of oil was heating on the stove. Beignets. Sara wasn’t sure if it was a lucky guess, but beignets were one of her favorites. 

It wasn’t a lucky guess. While browsing the grocery store, Ava saw the box of beignet mix and was hit with a flash of making them with Sara some year in the past. It was her second memory back. Despite it seeming as far-removed as the first, she could tell it was special. Any moment with Sara was.

“If you really wanted to give me a birthday present, you’d let me sleep in,” Sara ribbed. It was still before eight in the morning. She cocked a playful eyebrow. 

Ava threaded her fingers into Sara’s hair. “I thought you’d like this more.”

Kissing Sara was easy. Something so natural that Ava didn’t even have to think about it, just let herself be guided by the pleased hum Sara let out.

“You’re right, I did like that more.” 

Ava rolled her eyes. _I meant the beignets._

It was then that Ava took in Sara’s disheveled appearance. Hair tousled and knotted, sleep in the corner of her eyes, a slouchy sweater that definitely didn’t fit right on Sara’s shoulders. _Ava’s sweater_. Ava’s sweater which didn’t cover nearly enough and also the perfect amount. 

Ava’d seen Sara in all sorts of states. In a bathing suit at the pool. Pulling out an acrobatic trick for fun. Barely awake on the couch and secretly frightened from a horror film and in the hospital with eyes red from tears. But Sara in the kitchen, wearing nothing but Ava’s shirt, was another thing all together.

Seeing Sara in that state was so domestic it fucking hurt.

When Ava would look back, that was the defining moment. The _oh_ moment. The _oh shit_ moment. The point of no return where Ava was struck with the realization that being with Sara was something astronomically more powerful than some crush. There were hardly doubts before, but this vision tacked down the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

Ava thought it before, thought she might want to be Sara’s for the rest of her life, but it always came in small glimpses that never stuck. Mostly before they were dating. She would brush them off assuming it was just how much time she was spending with Sara. 

This was the realization Ava was well and on her way to falling in love with Sara.

The days between Christmas and New Year’s passed in the way they always do: slowly and all at once. Sara and Ava enjoyed the liminal space feel to those days. The everyday world was on hold and allowed them to relish in their newfound connection. 

Zari and Amaya’s house was the site of the final party for the year. Amaya had designed a playlist that was equal parts party essentials and songs that had, in her words, good vibes. Which is how Sara and Ava found themselves swaying to some romantic indie love song, just a few minutes before midnight.

“You know, you never told me how we first met, beyond it being New Year’s.” 

It was five years ago to the day when Gary dragged Ava and a few other friends from the Curtis Institute to a party at the top of a hotel in Philadelphia. It was still a mystery how Gary got invited in the first place. Sara came with some guy she knew from college, who promptly abandoned her.

Which was fine by Sara because it meant she got to spend the night dancing with lots of beautiful people. She had been watching Ava from across the room for upwards of ten minutes when the countdown to the ball drop began. Sara planned to saunter up to Ava and start her year off with a bang. 

Unfortunately, Gary of all people got the midnight kiss. He planted one on Ava just after they yelled their final 3, 2, 1. Sara didn’t even get the chance to swoop in. With annoyance, Ava had rolled her eyes after telling Gary to never think about trying it again. 

Wearing all the charm in the world, Sara interrupted them and offered to try and one up Gary’s kiss. If Ava wanted. One glance at Sara’s face, one sweep over her body, told Ava there was no way she was going to deny herself the opportunity. The night ended with the two of them in Sara’s bed. 

Ava snuck out in the morning. Not normally one for the walk of shame, but Ava had obligations for the day. She left her number on the fridge before departing. As the universe would have it, the magnet Ava picked to secure her number to the fridge was weak. The paper slid out and fluttered to the space between the refrigerator and the kitchen cabinets, not to be seen for nearly two months. 

When a leak in the water line had maintenance moving the appliance, Sara discovered the note. She called Ava the night she found her number, only to be met with resistance. Ava figured Sara never called because she simply wanted a one night sort of thing. What followed was seven weeks of Sara trying to cajole Ava into a date.

Ava called her attempts annoying, waved them off with a metaphorical flick of her wrist. She couldn’t deny that Sara’s unwavering confidence was attractive in some way. It should have been off-putting. Or problematic. But secretly, Ava liked it. 

Ava swore the night of their disastrous first date, a date that included a bet that Sara wouldn’t climb to the top tier of a fountain and her subsequent soaking when she slipped into the water, that Sara was it for her. She was in deep from moment one. From there it was a quick progression from first date to moving in to absolute dedication. 

And it all started at a New Year’s party that looked far different from the intimate one they were currently at. 

As the last ten seconds were on the countdown clock, Ava made sure Gary was out of arm's reach. She wasn’t going to let another kiss go by, not after all the ones she had missed. 

Staring into each other's eyes after their embrace, Ava was sure there was no better way to start a year. If she thought she fell fast for Sara the first time, Ava was absolutely positive this was breaking even those records. 

Ava was in awe of Sara’s strength. Sara was faced with impossible challenges that year. From broken bones to comas, to separations and losses, she stood committed. Even with what hard times Ava was there for, Sara was a force to be reckoned with. Seemingly unshakable.

What Ava did to deserve her, she was unsure. Even if so many moments in Ava’s life since the accident had her positive she was at the lousy end of some shitty cosmic retribution, having Sara was proof enough she must’ve done something right.

Pillow talk quickly became one of Ava’s favorite times with Sara, after the worship of their bodies and the endless smiles and constant back-and-forth of compliments and teases. It was there Sara opened up the most.

As much as Ava knew of Sara, there were so many little moments she was excited to rediscover. Parts of Sara that were kept hidden from most people in her life, hidden under the confidence she always wore. Some of the things Sara told Ava were heartbreaking. Enough to put a crack in Ava’s chest as Sara explained all these things Ava once knew.

As many revelations filled Ava with sorrow, also filled her with joy. Between roaming fingers and wandering eyes, Ava requested the memories she’d been too worried to ask before they were together. Memories of them.

It was one of these times, when Sara lay with her ear to Ava’s chest, that Ava asked, “How did you propose to me?”

“I didn’t.”

“You didn’t?” Surprise was evident in her response. Ava wasn’t wearing it then, but the wedding ring was sitting in a jewelry box back at the apartment she hadn’t seen in days.

“We all know I’m the more confident of the two of us-”

“Why do I put up with you?”

“But, on this rare occasion, you asked me.”

Ava assumed it was Sara. After all, Sara was the one to request a first date in their initial encounter. And, technically speaking, this time as well. She was the one to initiate. “Oh. Well, then how did I ask you?”

Sara readjusted herself to lean up on an elbow. She laced her fingers in with Ava’s and told her of Christmas Day 2017. 

That year, Christmas was hard. Laurel was having a tough go at it, barely coping with changes in her life. She was visiting the apartment Sara and Ava shared then so she didn’t end up alone in a bar in Star City. On Christmas Eve, Laurel and Ava stayed up talking into the night, long after Sara had fallen asleep.

Sara awoke around 3 A.M. with a need for water. Three steps away from the kitchen she came to standstill as she heard Laurel ask Ava if she was ever going to propose. That stopped Sara in her tracks. She thought about tiptoeing back to her room, not invading on the moment. Or coughing loudly, halting the conversation.

Instead, Sara remained anchored in place. 

“We haven’t even been dating two full years.”

“So what? That’s like a lifetime to girls anyways.” Laurel laughed as she spoke. “Come on, haven’t you thought about it?”

A sigh. Then, “Can you keep a secret?”

At that point, Sara peeked her head around the corner to see Laurel in full excitement. She was sitting up on her knees across from Ava. “Tell me!”

Ava hushed Laurel with a finger to her lips. Took a hesitant look around, as if she expected someone to be watching. Her instincts were right; Sara was listening with complete intensity and all the silence of a ninja.

“There’s a ring in her stocking.”

“What!”

Ava reprimanded Laurel with a stern look. Sara had to slap a hand over her mouth to stifle her own giggle; she’d been on the receiving end of that chastising glare one too many times. Laurel corrected herself with a lowered pitch before repeating, “What? Show me.”

“It’s wrapped,” Ava protested. But Laurel was already digging through the stocking that hung above the fireplace. Ava looked positively over the moon at having someone to share the news with. 

Laurel halted with the paper half torn off. “Wait, does daddy know?” 

“Of course. I obviously asked him.”

“And you didn’t ask me?!” Laurel’s offense was quickly modified into wonder as she opened the ring. Based on Laurel’s face alone, Sara had no doubts it would be perfect. She watched Laurel settle herself next to Ava on the sofa once again, lighting up the entire room with her excitement.

“What are you going to say? I know you have a speech planned out missy.”

Which Ava did. And Sara knew because she overheard Ava practicing it in the bathroom the week before. 

Ava blushed as Sara revealed that detail. Who knew you could get secondhand embarrassment from yourself? 

“Wasn’t much of a surprise then, was it?” Ava queried, with a shake of her head. It didn’t surprise her that Sara knew of the proposal beforehand. It wasn’t easy to get much by her.

“I hate surprises anyway. And it was still perfect.” 

In the end, Ava hadn’t even gotten out the words of her speech. Sara tore off the paper and opened the box to be met with Ava, choked up, barely getting out an _I love you_. 

While months ago Ava was closed off to hearing the memories of before, now she was more than accepting. To know of their past only highlighted the bond she shared with Sara. Ava was filled with awe at how much devotion they had the first time around. Somehow they were blowing it out of the water.

Ava lifted the hand that was intertwined with her own and brought Sara’s knuckles to her lips. Sara closed her eyes as Ava placed a kiss to each. Sometimes she wasn’t sure she would get used to this being her life again. To Ava pressing her lips to Sara’s hand in a show of nothing short of adoration. It all seemed a little too good to be true.

In a muted tone, Sara hummed, “Mm, I love-- this.” The brief hesitance after the word love was enough to have Ava tilting her head. 

“Sounded like you were going to say something else.” Leave it to Ava to call Sara out. 

Sara gave a challenging look. “I was going to say I love when you do embarrassing things like practice speeches in the bathroom and then forget them all together, but…” 

She was interrupted by a nudge from Ava who was shaking her head. She didn’t believe Sara for a second. 

Sara was once again letting Ava set the pace. The same way she had with sleeping together for the first time, Sara held back. As flawless as their reconnection was thus far, Sara still wanted Ava to feel in control of the situation. Didn’t want her overwhelmed or thinking Sara was pushing her into something more than where they were. Ava needed that. The feeling of control, of presiding over her own life.

Sara was determined to let Ava say the words first. She needed Ava to be okay, to be ready, to know there weren’t any obligations to love Sara. Not like when she first woke up. 

Ava let whatever retort was forming on her lips drop away, let the inevitable taunt of Sara’s near love admission fall, choosing instead to curl back into Sara with nothing but happiness on her mind.

Just like Christmas was suddenly New Year’s, New Year’s turned to mid-January with back to school and training for the swim team and performances with the orchestra. January passed in the blink of an eye with a visit from Laurel and Tommy and celebrations for Ray and Zari’s birthdays. 

As time progressed, so did Sara and Ava’s relationship. They found their footing. The honeymoon phase didn’t exactly wear off, but it settled down. Whereas the initial few weeks of dating were a complete whirlwind, it soon became something more stable. 

Within this time were a series of firsts. The first time Ava saw Sara sick. For someone so willing to take care of everybody else, Sara really craved attention when she was the one under the weather. For the first time, Sara experienced this new Ava in a completely stressed out state. Huffy and tense and more than a little irritated. 

Nearly every first experience was a demonstration of the strength of their relationship. The rebuild from the ground up was fortified with something far more substantial than the basis of their initial romance. That’s not to say things weren’t solid the first time around, but every step in this second chance was deliberate. Each moment was revered. 

Sara savored all moments of this second time. A chance to fall in love with one’s soulmate again was not an opportunity most were granted. Although the circumstances that brought them to this point were harrowing, Sara felt fortunate. Even in the rockier moments.

They had their first miscommunications and worked through them. Learned more about each other and their new boundaries. Talked through the assumptions that lead to small arguments and banished the habits. It was essential to them that difficulties be solved with quiet voices and mutual respect. They spent too much time apart, it wasn’t worth it to let any more moments pass in disconnect.

Slowly, Ava’s belongings started migrating to Sara’s house. Eventually, it had been over a week since the last time Ava slept in her own bed or saw the inside of her apartment beyond the few seconds it took to run in and grab some loose articles of clothing. She was spending more and more time at Sara’s house. Almost started thinking of it as her own again.

During this time, Ava also took big personal steps. The birthday letter from her mother weighed heavy on Ava’s mind, until she one day took the initiative to call her. Ava wasn’t sure what she wanted from Pam, if she wanted anything. There was an irreconcilable hurt built up inside of Ava and no amount of atoning would make it go away.

But she tried, made the attempt to reconnect. In small, calculated conversations, Ava began to speak with Pam again. Every call was short and never did they break past surface level exchanges, but it was something. Something for Ava or for her mother, Ava didn’t know. But she didn’t know what she would do with the regret of not having tried. 

The more things changed, the more Ava felt a sense of stability. She had a schedule, a home to return to (and a secondary apartment), a girlfriend she was relearning in the best of ways. With the even footing in her life, Ava found herself feeling further and further from the accident. Almost a whole person again, rather than the shell she considered herself upon waking up.

As some memories came back, Ava adapted. The majority of memories were unsubstantial, and even the ones with more power maintained that far away feeling. The feeling of someone else having experienced it. It was often difficult to reconcile the recovered moments with what Ava knew of herself (sometimes she wasn’t sure where they fit in chronologically or if the recollection was significant), but Ava did her best to use the techniques she learned from Gideon to work them into her concept of self. 

By mid-February, Ava had dialed back her appointments with Gideon to once a month. Sara pulled away from Kendra entirely, having thought the tools she got from the experience were more than enough for her to rely on. Sara knew that the assistance was there if she needed it again. Surprisingly, Sara reckoned she would actually reach out in the future if necessary. Something she never would have expected if you asked her a year ago.

While Sara and Ava’s life was coming back together, it wasn’t without its challenges. Day to day responsibilities sometimes had them passing like ships in the night. With Ava performing in the evenings and Sara leaving early for practices and travelling with the swim team for meets, it sometimes seemed they never got to see each other for more than a beat.

It was only at the tail end of the evening when the couple were certain to be entirely together. They always made sure to finish the day wrapped up in each other, never once missing a moment to express how devoted they were.

It was the week before Valentine's Day when the first big hurdle came. It hit in the form of an argument. A real one. Not a miscommunication like they’d learned to talk through, but a true and honest duel fueled by hurt. The type of match that had always been a rarity, until now.

It started with aversion from Sara’s end. Ava thought Sara was hiding something from her and despite Sara’s jokes of “always deflecting”, Ava could tell it was something more. Which led to gentle prodding, then less gentle pushing. Then some general annoyance. Then frustration. And eventually, hurt, which manifested in the tight dispute they were throwing back and forth.

“You can’t just decide things! We have to talk about them. You have to tell me about things like this Sara.” 

Ava wasn’t seething, not at a full rolling boil, but she was definitely simmering. Sara was keeping something from her and they hadn’t faced this yet, not since they promised that first night on the balcony to always be honest. The knowledge cut so deep Ava wasn’t sure how else to express it. 

“Why?” Sara’s response was anything but helpful.

“Why?!”

Sara ran her fingers through her hair in distress. That wasn’t what she meant. Of course they needed to talk about things, but this was different. “Not why. Look,” Sara paused to center her breath, bring her tone back to something less abrasive. She didn’t want to fight. “I made a decision and it’s done. Okay?”

“No, it is so _not_ okay. I don’t get it. We’ve done everything together for months. Why is this different?”

This being Sara deciding to turn down a job offer without consulting Ava. This being an Athletic Trainer position with a professional Major League Soccer club based in Seattle. This being an offer that involved a cross country move and a complete uproot of the life Sara was familiar with. 

So why was it different than everything else they’d decided as a couple? Because Sara knew Ava would push her to take the job. It would be an amazing professional achievement. It would relocate Sara to be just hours away from Laurel. It came with a pay raise. But taking the offer also required Sara either move away from Ava, leaving her in Atlanta to continue her life there, or it would involve them taking a huge leap and moving together.

And at that point, Sara was more than a little apprehensive about that prospect. In fact, Sara was almost positive it would end in disaster.

As good as they’d been, a cross country move, asking Ava to abandon their friends, leave her job at the Symphony, that was too much to ask. Too much to ask two months of dating. Too much to ask in general. Sara would never request Ava give up all the things she worked so hard to reclaim. No way. That wasn’t in the cards. 

And Sara couldn’t swallow the idea of long distance, not for something as menial as a job.

But Ava would have insisted that Sara take the position. As much as Sara firmly believed she wasn’t the type to give up a career for just some person, she would give it up for Ava. If it meant they got to stay together. That wouldn’t fly by Ava.

It was Sara’s ego that kept her from saying it was different because she _just_ got Ava back and she didn’t want to ruin it again. Because that’s what it was really about. Whether Sara took the job and moved alone or if they relocated together, Sara was terrified that it would blow up in flames and she would lose Ava all over again.

Sara couldn’t say that, not without her voice wavering. Not without making it look like she thought they were that fragile. They were anything but. In all honesty, they were as solid as ever. And yet, Sara was afraid.

Sara said it wouldn’t be fair for her to ask Ava to give up her job at the Symphony.

Ava made a good point with her next reply, “Isn't that _exactly_ what we did with me in the first place? Why we moved to Atlanta after I graduated from school?” 

Sara already had a training position in Philly when Ava got her job offer from the orchestra. Sara switched from a private team to working at the high school when Ava got the position.

“Look, it’s not the same thing.” Because Ava didn’t remember and Sara would never ask her to give up her career. It wouldn’t be fair to hold her to a decision that _this_ Ava never even made.

All the guilt Sara worked so hard to banish threatened to flood back in. The guilt that echoed in her mind saying the accident was all her fault and it ruined them before, if she took this move it would be all her fault again. Challenging was an understatement when it came to describing how hard it was for Sara to forgive herself, even all these months later. That’s why so many of her choices were focused on protecting Ava. On protecting them. 

At least, that was the intention. 

Ava stood there, arms crossed, her head shaking. “I don’t get why you don’t see that I’m just as in this as you are. You should have asked me.”

“Ava...”

“You should have asked.” Ava’s words were deliberate, each unflinching and stiff. “The fact that you didn’t even talk to me about this, I don’t know what that says.” 

_It says I don’t want to lose you again_. They hadn’t been tiptoeing around each other this entire time since they got back together. They were forthcoming about every little thing. But now Sara was reverting back to walking on eggshells and pleading with her eyes that Ava not stay mad. 

Sara wasn’t exactly giving Ava much to work with. Ava took her silence to mean she wasn’t going to say anything at all. 

Ava knew herself, knew she was too emotional to hold herself steady anymore. They weren’t getting anywhere, not while this was this raw. Not while she was this sensitive, her heart throbbing that she wasn’t even consulted before Sara made a huge life decision. 

Ava pulled back in a way that echoed something Sara hadn’t seen in almost five years: Ava slipping back to her own corner when Sara wasn’t on her team. Because that was exactly what Sara just proved. Sara was witnessing Ava pull away so completely for the second time.

They’d argued before, sure, because they were both headstrong and unyielding and where Sara tended to jump into plans and fix them along the way, Ava couldn’t help but overplay every detail. But this was different. This was Ava being so wounded by Sara’s choice she didn’t know if they were in this together. 

They were. They so were.

Sara darted a hand out toward Ava’s arm, but Ava withdrew it from her reach. “I need a minute to think.”

With hurried steps, Ava dashed from the living room towards the back porch. She wasn’t about to leave. She just needed to think this through, to process the fact that Sara didn’t even bring this up before making up her mind. It was the first time in over half a year that Ava found herself eclipsed by the feeling of being completely alone.

For the first time, Sara doubted if getting back together was the right thing for Ava. After all this time, Sara was messing things up again, hurting the woman that she loved by trying to protect her. Things were too perfect. Sara always worried if the other shoe was just a second away from dropping. She guessed it finally did. 

Except it wasn’t going to. It couldn’t. Sara had no one to blame for this but herself, for breaking her own promise to be honest even when it was scary or when she didn’t like the conversation. 

Sara did this before, pushed Ava away to try and protect her. That was the wrong call. So far from the wrong call she couldn’t let it last more than a few minutes. 

From between the blinds, Sara could see Ava sitting on the porch steps, her face stoic, head down. If that didn’t cause Sara’s throat to well up with the predecessor to tears. Witnessing Ava’s hung head shaking was enough to kick Sara back into high gear.

The only other time Sara had seen Ava pull back in this manner they didn’t talk for two days. That was years ago. There was no way that was about to happen again.

It couldn’t. Not after all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so my friends, this is the second to last regular chapter, but I promise all will be resolved soon. I'm very sad that this is winding down, but also feeling extremely fortunate for the response and process of writing this. It has truly been my joy for this summer
> 
> On Friday: the last chapter before our epilogue, aka the make up and the wrap up


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s Friday, I’m in a great mood, and I hope all of y’all also had a week as lovely as mine. Before we get started, this is our final regular length chapter (which, how? I swear I just started writing this thing yesterday and now I’ve churned out how many words???). Our upcoming epilogue is shorter than what has become typical, but this one I do believe is the longest yet, so savor it 💖

Ava was pulled from her silent stupor by the sound of the porch door sliding open. She didn’t have to turn to know it was Sara, who else would it be? She did, however, readjust her positioning, scooting aside so there was plenty of room for Sara on the steps.

Sara took a precarious seat, balancing two mugs in her hands as she lowered herself to the ground. She passed one of the cups to Ava. 

Ava sighed as she accepted the peace offering, but didn’t take a sip. It was steaming. Tendrils of warm, floral aromas floated up from the mug of tea towards Ava’s chin. Ava didn’t say anything, just sat stewing, much in the same way as the tea bag within the hot water. She scratched at the embellishment on the mug instead.

“You know, we’ve sort of had this fight before,” Sara opened, her shoulders depressing. It wasn’t really the same at all, but it was the only thing she had to compare to.

Ava continued to pick at the mug, a fleck of paint coming off under her thumb nail. “Shouldn’t we have learned our lesson then?”

Sara let out a noise akin to a chuckle, but halfhearted. “One would think.”

In tandem, both women took small sips from their mugs. After swallowing, Ava turned her body to face Sara, placing the tea off to the side in the process. Her legs were curled into her chest, affording Ava easy access to pull at the loose threads along the hem of her pants. It was easier than looking at Sara. She was wearing that face that was all apology and sadness that made Ava’s heart hurt.

Ava didn’t want to be reminded of the way they just spoke to each other. Not yet. 

“What was the original fight about?”

It was possibly the stupidest argument they ever had. It wasn’t even really an argument, more two people on different pages that got blown out of proportion. 

Just a few months into dating, Sara made a decision without consulting Ava because she didn’t want to bother her with what Sara thought was a simple choice: not bringing Ava as her plus one to a high school friend’s wedding eight months in the future. In Sara’s mind, her decision was perfectly reasonable. Ava had final concerts for the semester the week of the wedding and Sara would never ask her to skip something as important as that for a flimsy event. 

But Ava didn’t know that detail. She interpreted Sara’s decision as proof that Sara didn’t want to show her off. Or that she didn’t plan on having Ava around eight months later.

It spiraled from there, Ava’s insecurities picking through every interaction in search of a reason not to trust Sara. Ava plugged her fears from Morgan’s betrayal right into their situation and withdrew. Pulled away. Spent two days without talking to Sara because Ava’s hurt had her thinking Sara wasn’t on her side. 

“God, I sound like a piece of work,” Ava denigrated, to which Sara shook her head.

“No, you were just hurt. And young. ” Sara reached out a hand to squeeze Ava’s ankle. “And scared that I wasn’t in this with you.” Scared in the same way Ava was now.

Ava sighed, “I am scared. I just don't get it Sara. You have every right not to take a job, but I really don’t understand why this is the first thing you haven’t told me about. This was a big deal, it could have changed your life.” 

“Exactly.”

“Exactly?” 

Sara paused the conversation, prolonged the silence that followed Ava’s question. Ava’s nervous fingers were still pulling at the loose edges of her pants. Sara wanted to calm them. 

She placed her palm over Ava’s until her actions quieted. Ava’s attention moved up to Sara’s face and the solemn look she bore. 

With perfect precision, and no sway to her words, Sara answered, “I don’t want things to change.”

Ava went to open her mouth, to say a cliche about how change is a part of life, or how things wouldn’t change (even though they would), but Sara interrupted before there was the chance. 

“Last year, everything changed in one second. Things are finally good again. I don’t want to rock the boat and make it all completely different.” 

Ava gave a sympathetic look. Things were going to change, they always would. She thought Sara had faith they could change in things together. That was practically their motto. Changing together was all Ava wanted. After all, they had already proved they could do it.

They could grow together through memory loss and personality changes and breakups and miscommunications. They could certainly survive a bit of long distance or a move across the country. 

“I thought you worked past that. We’ve talked about this.”

They had. So many times. They’d discussed the fears of Ava leaving Sara again. The dreaded idea that another accident could change their lives a second time. The two of them exhausted every raw topic about their past, present, and future, with Sara always maintaining she felt solid about their relationship and lives.

“Honestly, I thought I had too. Really.” Sara hadn’t been lying in all of their conversations. Until now, it hadn’t occurred to her she was afraid of things doing a complete 180. There was once the worry she could lose the good things in her life, but it never elicited a response like this. “I think the potential of moving triggered something. The thought of being so far away from you or something. I just wanted to control it.”

Ava nodded. She could understand that. After all, Sara was always giving Ava the opportunity to control whatever she needed to. It gave her a sense of safety. Sara was more than entitled to it as well. The way she went about it though, that stung.

“I’m worried that the concept of moving made you jump to the extreme. You’re not the kind of person afraid of change.” Ava didn’t know Sara to be that unassured. Or to keep things from her. 

Sara shrugged, she didn’t think herself to be that afraid either. Sara normally jumped to new challenges, this wasn’t a reaction she expected from herself. 

Sara redirected the topic. “You know, after that first fight, we promised we would always tackle things together.” 

“We sound smart. Should’ve followed our advice.”

Sara nodded in self-deprecation, then let out a long sigh. “I just got you back, Aves. Got _us_ back. There was no way I was about to move across the country and leave you here or ask you to uproot everything. That isn’t fair.” 

Sara couldn’t risk losing Ava. That’s what it boiled down to.

“God, of course it is, Sara. You’ve given up things for me before and it can be my turn to pay back the favor. That’s what you do when you love someone.”

Sara raised her eyebrows at the admission. Ava faltered.

The initial transition towards falling in love was marked on Sara’s birthday, when Ava witnessed a sleepy Sara wearing Ava’s slouchy turtleneck. But there were defining moments after that.

The first time Ava thought she might be in love with Sara was after a completely mundane action. Sara was pumping gas and leaned through the passenger window to ask Ava a question. Nothing groundbreaking. Whether it was the way she brushed Ava’s hand or how Sara’s hair was perfectly framing her face or something else entirely, Ava didn’t know, but she was suddenly assaulted by the thought that she loved Sara. 

There was the second Ava truly knew, without a doubt, that she loved Sara. It was during Ray’s birthday celebration, when Ava watched Sara race Freddy from one side of the yard to the other and Sara tripped. The smile Sara shot Ava as she wiped grass stains from her knees brought Ava to absolute clarity. 

All doubts from before, from when Ava tried so hard to force herself to fall in love with Ava, were gone, replaced with the indubitable certainty that she was in love with Sara. More in love with Sara than Ava would ever have imagined.

There were countless moments where the words almost came out in the few weeks since Ray’s birthday, but Ava had been holding back. Waiting for the perfect moment so that Sara knew the true depth of her feelings. This wasn’t exactly how Ava imagined it. 

(Then again, wasn’t this moment somehow perfect for the revelation? Everything about their relationship had been built on a confusing situation and milestones they hit backwards and at all the wrong times.)

“You love me?” The corner of Sara’s mouth twitched. 

If Ava’s nod in response wasn’t so sad, Sara would be beaming. But Ava wasn’t shooting a megawatt smile; she was sending a look that screamed _I love you, but you hurt me. I love you, but I’m worried._ A look which said _we still need to fix this._ And they did. Needed to rectify the situation.

“I fucked up babe,” Sara said. Ava shook her head with fervor. 

“Me too.” To which Sara shook her head. Admitting fault may not have always been Sara’s strong suit, but she was more than able when it came to Ava. Sara failed to see how Ava found fault in herself, even if it was present.

“I shouldn’t have hid the offer from you. I thought if I told you, you would push me to take the job.” Subconsciously, Sara’d been avoiding that situation, because Sara would have to face the music and acknowledge she wasn’t ready to deal with such change, despite having thought she was well and over all of the events that transpired in the past year.

Sara was right, Ava would have encouraged the job. It _was_ an amazing opportunity for and working with a pro team was a goal Sara revealed to Ava. Ava would have been thrilled to see that become a reality. But if she knew how much the thought affected Sara, she never would have pushed.

Ava expressed as much. 

“We could have figured it out. I’m in this with you Sara, one hundred percent of the time. Even when we fight.”

Sara knew in her heart things would have been fine if they just had a discussion from the start. Her choice to guard now seemed completely foolish, even if it made sense earlier in the week.

“If I told you from the beginning, this wouldn’t have even been a fight.” 

Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe there would have been a different argument somewhere down the line where they failed to uphold the communication they agreed on. But that’s what happens sometimes. It’s what always seemed to happen when one of them got scared. 

And now it was out in the open. 

Ava made a suggestion, one beyond just trying to be honest with each other. This wasn’t going to go away with just one conversation. It would be ignorant for them to pretend otherwise. “Would you be open to talking to someone about this? Together?”

In all of this time they’d done a lot of work alone, but never as a couple and guided by someone outside of their circle of friends. It was evident there was more to address. More insecurities on both of their parts. That even if they were being honest with each other, there was room to improve in their relationship. A lot of room. 

Sara didn’t hesitate to agree. “We probably need it.”

Ava moved to bring one hand to Sara’s knee, the other to her cheek. Sara leaned into Ava’s hand, turning her head to place a tender kiss to Ava’s palm before resuming eye contact.

“And I need you to hear this, Sara. You are not going to lose me again. Ever. I know how much things changed. I could never fault you for being terrified of it happening again, but no matter what happens, no matter what changes, I am going to be here for you. 

You just have to let me know what’s going on and I will always be by your side. No more hiding. No more protecting things out of fear.”

Sara smiled, a little sad, but mostly sweet. Because God did Sara love this woman. Ava didn’t heal her, Sara worked toward that herself, but Ava brought with her such peace which could quell the waves of fear crashing inside Sara to little more than a dull ripple **.** What she did to deserve the external happiness Ava brought her, Sara didn’t know, but she was so grateful for it.

“How did I get so lucky?” 

As Ava brushed her teeth that night, Sara hip checked her girlfriend, the tension having subsided for the moment being with their plan to seek out a counselor. Standing side-by-side at the sink, Sara was feeling more than a little fortunate she was getting ready to roll into bed with Ava. 

“So, you love me, huh?” 

Ava’s ever-affectionate eye roll was partnered with a toothpaste obscured grin. She answered with a muffled voice, still in the process of brushing. A garbled collection of words that were trying to say, “Don’t push your luck.” 

“What was that? I didn’t quite catch it,” Sara teased, poking Ava’s side like the pest she was. 

Ava’s next answer was clear, having just rinsed her mouth. “I hate you sometimes.” She didn’t mean it at all. 

Sara just smiled.

“I love you too.”

Once Ava revealed her love, it was as if the floodgates were opened. Sara was making up for lost time. They said it every time the urge came. Between kisses and in texts, whispered late at night when they thought the other was sleeping and when loading the dishwasher. In front of friends. During workouts and running out the door on their way to work and throughout the entirety of their Valentine’s Day dinner less than a week later.

A dinner where Sara and Ava were celebrating their “first” Valentine’s together. Maybe a little too hard. By the end of the romantic meal, one where Ava downed almost a full bottle of wine and Sara racked up quite the tab of top shelf scotch, both were flushed and drunk on both alcohol and love. In the back of the Uber returning home, Sara was more than a little handsy. 

Her fingers were doing a not so subtle dance up Ava’s thighs, skirting beneath the hem of Ava‘s already short dress. Ava tried to keep a straight face, remain unaffected as Sara brought her fingertips dangerously high. The driver was engaging in polite conversation and Ava, inebriated as she was, was doing her best not to be rude. Even though her words were slurring and starting to break, along with her resolve.

Sara remained silent while that devilish smile of hers bore into Ava’s soul. What a menace. But Ava couldn’t really complain, not after Sara was so good at edging her on. Building her up by going almost too far then pulling back with that _look_. 

The second the door to the house was closed, Ava was past the point of slowing down. “You’re a brat,” she started, nearly shoving Sara into the kitchen island. 

Sara gave an intentional smirk, one that said _I’m sorry, it was an accident_ while looking like _I did this completely on purpose and don’t regret a thing._ And why should she? After all, it was Valentine’s Day, her girlfriend was here in a dress that was just a hint too short to be considered professionally appropriate, and she was slightly tipsy. 

Sara stumbled back, stopped only by her back hitting the counter top. She promptly erupted into a case of giggles. Okay, so maybe she was more than slightly tipsy. Her laughter quickly sobered when Ava raised an eyebrow. _Are you finished?_

Rather than answer, Sara pulled down the straps of her dress. Slinky fabric pooled at Sara’s feet and her face schooled itself into one dripping in desire. For once, Ava had no complaints about them littering the kitchen with items that didn’t belong there. Because she was too busy taking in the sight of Sara. Sara in lingerie. 

Sara in a strappy, lace teddy paired with honest-to-god stockings. 

“Fuck,” was all Ava managed to get out. Words were suddenly hard. Very hard. Ava was tongue tied in the best of ways.

“Mm, have I told you how sexy it is when you curse?” 

Ava, being Ava, rolled her eyes yet again. She was pretty sure whatever muscles were responsible for the movement had to be the strongest ones in her entire body, what with the frequency of times Sara had her making the expression. “You’ve mentioned it once or twice.”

Sara pulled Ava close to her. “I _love_ it when you curse.” Sara elongated her words, putting in a deliberate drawl. 

“I love _you_ ,” Ava answered. Because she did. And maybe the alcohol was giving Ava some bad ideas, because she then amended the statement. “I _fucking_ love you.”

Sara’s jaw dropped open before contorting into the widest beam she could manage. Between kisses pressed to Ava’s neck, she whispered, “Say it again.”

Ava complied. Anything for Sara. Anything for the woman who was standing in the middle of their kitchen wearing a thin layer of lace, flushed from scotch, smiling between kisses. Because wow did Sara deserve every amazing thing, especially after the year they’d been through. 

Sara’s whole world was rebooted and she spent longer than she deserved being hurt and saddened. Ava wanted to give Sara the entire moon after all that Sara had given her. In lieu of the moon, Ava gave Sara her fingers, her lips, and her love. All of her love.

Laying on the couch later (because they only made it as far as the couch), Sara made an abrupt roll off the furniture and darted towards the bedroom. 

“Where are you going?” Ava complained. She fumbled around for a throw blanket, freezing without Sara in her arms. 

From down the hall she heard Sara’s instruction to hold on for a minute. Ava curled the throw to her chest as she waited for Sara’s return. It wasn’t long before Sara was huddling under the covers with her girlfriend, a small gift bag deposited on the coffee table along with a bottle of champagne. 

Ava protested, “I thought we said no gifts.” She’d been ignorant enough to believe Sara would actually honor her own request and found herself without a present for Sara. “You weren’t supposed to get me anything.”

“Couldn’t resist.” Sara’s shameless smile was accompanied by the sound of a cork popping. She sucked the foam from the top of the bottle. 

“That’s not very dignified.” 

“I’m not very dignified,” Sara said, like it was an irrefutable fact and not just because she chose to act in that manner.

Sara passed the bottle off to Ava who ignored every part of Cotillion training she ever learned to take a large sip. The smile Sara wore said everything, but mostly _I love you._

“You realize you’re a terrible influence,” Ava bemoaned. 

“You love it.” 

Ava nodded in agreement. No use in protesting. She loved every second with Sara, but most of all these moments where she could let her guard down and just exist. Where Ava could be half-dressed on the couch with smudged lipstick and sipping straight from the bottle and Sara was looking at her like she held the world.

“I’m hoping,” Sara continued, “you’ll also love this.” 

Sara passed off the gift bag to Ava with an expectant look. It was undercut with something else. Nervousness. With tender hands, Ava removed the tissue paper to reveal a single key. Ava examined it, puzzled. 

She turned to Sara with eyebrows furrowed. Sara smoothed the crease with her thumb. 

“I already have a key to this house.” The statement was said more as a question. 

“I’m trying to make a formal declaration, babe.” 

“A formal declar— oh my God!” Ava jolted up with excitement. “Are you asking me to move in with you?” 

Her face dropped when Sara stumbled over her words.

Ava tried to backtrack, clearly having jumped to the wrong conclusion. “Oh no, I’m sorry. I just assumed. Ignore me.” 

“Hey, no. Don’t do that,” Sara soothed, squeezing Ava’s arm. “I’m not _not_ asking you to move in with me. I know you have your apartment still and I wouldn’t ask you to give up that independence if you aren’t ready, but I want to make sure you know this house is still yours, to whatever extent you want it to be. If and when you’re ready, I hope you know I want you here with me.”

Ava hugged her hands around the key, cradled it as the precious gift it was. This was Sara saying, under no uncertain terms, that she wanted to continue moving forward. After their blip the week before, it was good to have the confirmation she was ready to proceed with Ava fully by her side. 

So that’s exactly what they did. Continued moving forward, both in the physical sense and emotional. Gradually, Ava took the steps to move more of her belongings to Sara’s. By the end of March, Gary found a new roommate and Ava officially turned over her keys in exchange for every night in their shared bed. 

They repainted the living room for the second time since the accident. Ava loved Sara, beyond a doubt, but the color she chose to redecorate with after Ava’s move-out was really too much. The garden was revamped in a two week long endeavor that ended with Ava deeply sunburnt and Sara with darkened freckles. 

They found a couples counselor that worked for them, a woman with an animated personality and an abrasive, yet welcoming, nature, who coached them on communication skills, conflict resolution, patterns driven by their past, and ways to approach their future. It wasn’t always the easiest of dialogues, but as sessions moved forward, they could see the effects in their day to day interactions. Whereas things were mostly smooth before, they were also now completely unguarded. Sara could feel herself becoming more at ease, actually okay with where things were. 

In a way she hadn’t realized she wasn’t before.

As the months progressed, the hints of spring traded out for summer heat, and their relationship further grew. It transitioned to a state of bliss for the two of them, unmarred by the residual hurt of before. A time filled with joking and movie nights, _I love you, goober_ s and shared showers and every other example of domestic bliss. 

The lines between what was the new them and what was left over from before blurred until there was hardly a delineation at all. Sara and Ava were simply happy, living in a state of love and companionship that, despite all of the complications, wasn’t actually complicated at all. 

At the base of it, they loved each other. But more importantly, they respected each other. Their strengths, their fears, their feelings and opinions and ideas, were always of equal importance. While they still had their moments of banter, of Ava being nitpicky and Sara being sassy, there was always the knowledge that everything was said out of complete appreciation. 

It was almost nauseating to their friends. Zari wasn’t shy to complain about their affection. It was much more public and far more blatant than their original relationship was. Nora often faked a gag when Ava would go overboard discussing the ways Sara was amazing, but it was always playful; they deserved the happiness and Nora was glad to bear witness.

They continued to grow and change. Nothing was stagnant, always flowing in harmony.

When the year anniversary of the accident rolled around, to go anywhere felt like tempting fate. Even though Sara and Ava had spent countless hours in the car, had driven the same highway route where the crash occurred, to even leave the house seemed like a bad idea. Like they were welcoming the universe to just try and cause another casualty in their lives. 

Despite the time passed **,** they still never returned to the gelato shop they visited that fateful night. A real shame, as it had been their favorite. The stubborn side of Sara wanted them to go back one day, to prove they could do it. But as much as Sara wanted to give the middle finger to fate, she wasn’t willing to risk it. Not on the anniversary anyway.

The day was instead spent at home, doing those little household things that built up. Dusting the air vents and fan blades, rotating the mattress. A deep cleaning that Ava insisted it was time for, despite the fact that the house was in near immaculate condition. With anyone else, Sara would have scoffed at the chores. With Ava around, however, the day was joyful. 

Music played from a speaker in the living room to keep the couple motivated. Every so often, Ava would catch Sara dancing to the music, wiggling with the vacuum, twirling a broom. Spinning the duster like a majorette with her baton. Ava found herself floored at the sight of Sara. 

She was dressed in the most casual of clothes: some joggers that were a hair too long and an ancient shirt of Ava’s, one so threadbare small holes were forming at the armpits. Sweat plastered flyaway hairs to her forehead. Ava paused to watch in reverence. Most days she still couldn’t believe this was her life. 

Who wakes up from a coma to Sara Lance? Even better, who finds out they’re married to Sara, asks for a separation, then falls back in love with her, only to have Sara feel the same way?

Ava remained crouched in an uncomfortable position by the baseboards, observing her girlfriend as she stood on her tiptoes in an attempt to dust the top of the bookshelf. The sun was shining in through the patio doors. It illuminated Sara with a halo and Ava felt a warmth grow inside her chest. It was no uncommon sensation. Sara was mesmerizing.

Ava watched as Sara blew a puff of air to move a strand of unruly hair blocking her line of sight. As if sensing Ava’s gaze, Sara turned, her eyes glinting with mischief. “Those baseboards cleaning themselves?” she teased. 

Ava didn’t have it in herself to care. This was her life. Her beautiful life with her wonderful girlfriend. Knowing she was missing five years cut deep, but having Sara now made up for it. 

That evening they lay in bed, some movie neither were paying attention to droning on in the background, when Ava asked a million dollar question.

“If you could change the past, would you make it so the accident never happened?”

Sara turned her head so aggressively she was surprised she didn’t pull a muscle. “What?”

“You heard me.”

Sara did, but she was trying to process the question. It was impossible to answer. It caused them so much pain, not to mention that countless other lives were ruined by the accident. Others in the crash didn’t make it out as lucky as Sara and Ava did. At the same time, it brought them to where they were now. Curled into bed with Sara draped over Ava and in the most solid place they’d ever been.

“We can’t change the past, Aves.”

Ava readjusted to lean over on an elbow and look into Sara’s eyes. “But would you?”

“Would _you_ ?” _Touché._

Ava mulled it over. “It’s hard to say because I don’t remember all that we were. Even the stuff I do remember is so hazy it’s impossible to compare.” 

Sara nodded, a look of sympathy on display. Ava continued, “I can’t really imagine being happier than I am right now though. So I guess my answer is no. I wouldn’t change it.” 

With ease, Sara laced their fingers together. “I’ve long since stopped thinking about what if the accident didn’t happen. I’ve made peace with it.” 

And Sara had. As many sleepless nights as Sara spent trying to imagine a world where the accident never happened, now that her and Ava fit back together, all of those idealistic thoughts whooshed away. Those wishes to undo the past came from the hurt of losing her wife. 

They were finally together. They were sharing their lives in every aspect they could. They’d been dating for five months and were in perfect harmony, could tackle any problem and had faced just about every obstacle they could imagine.

And now? Now Sara was sliding her freezing cold feet between Ava’s toasty calves and Ava was letting out a squeal of faux peril. Ava was pushing Sara’s shoulder off balance and then welcoming her back into her arms. And they were happy. 

Maybe the same incident Sara thought ruined their life was some sort of destiny. 

“Everything happens for a reason, right?” Sara questioned. Ava answered with a kiss to the top of Sara’s head. 

“As long as it led me to you, I believe it.” 

When the clock turned past midnight, Sara and Ava thought maybe they were in the clear. They made it through the accident anniversary without the world caving in on them. It took another few days before they were willing to really test fate and return to the gelato shop. It was time they took back the agency of their own life. Avoiding what used to be their favorite dessert place wasn’t the way to do that.

Sara pushed back the thoughts of impending doom as they drove to the downtown storefront. It wasn’t like this place was some bad luck charm made to hex their lives. It was simply a shop with a case of homemade flavors, stressed teenage workers, and a crowd of people waiting to place their orders. 

It was important to Ava that they reclaim this place for themselves. It was the final piece to the puzzle and it was high time they locked it into place. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but Ava was sure if they did this, any last barriers would disappear. She needed this.

Ava looked over her dessert options with a deep focus. In that moment, there was no decision more important than selecting the perfect flavor. One in particular caught her eye.

“Violet? I don’t think I’ve ever had anything with that flavor.”

Sara masked her endearing smile with a shake of her head. For all the times she thought something was different about Ava, there were an equal number of moments that proved Ava would always be herself. “Oh, yes you have.”

“I have?” 

“You always get the violet here. It’s your favorite. At least, it used to be,” Sara explained, just as Ava asked for a sample spoon. When she took a taste, her face lit up.

“Oh my god, it’s still my favorite. I don’t think I’ve ever had anything this delicious before.” 

Violet was never Sara’s taste. It was like eating a flower, and a perfumy one at that. While Ava stuck to what was once her regular, Sara ordered what Ava would refer to as a monstrosity: three different decadent flavors so sweet they would make any normal person’s teeth hurt. 

With cups in hand, they settled at an outdoor bench. Sara half expected an uncalled for breeze to come and blow her hair into the cup. She wondered if it would be too much to handle, the déjà vu of the moment turning into an exact copy of the past. 

While the air luckily remained stagnant, other small similarities popped up. Ava stole a few spoonfuls of Sara’s peanut butter with deft sleight of hand. Sara responded by taking a mouthful of Ava’s violet; it was worth a try to see if a year had changed that too. Sara promptly cringed. Her tastebuds were definitely still the same.

As Ava ate, she was going on about some shenanigans Gary got himself into at rehearsal the prior day. She laughed throughout the whole thing, talking fervently with her entire body. Sara took in absolutely every detail. 

The crinkles at the corners of Ava’s eyes. Her smile lines. The slightest bit of purple cream on her lips. How absolutely breathtaking Ava was as she yammered away. 

Over a year ago, Sara recalled thinking she was the luckiest person in the world to have Ava as her wife. Now, she was lucky to have the same woman, but in a brand new way. 

“So what do you think?” Ava nudged Sara with her knee. 

“I love you.”

Ava leaned her head back and groaned, “You didn’t hear a word I just said, did you?”

Sara smiled, love gleaming in her eyes. Who could blame her? Sara was staring at the most incredible person the universe could ever have gifted her. Sue her, it was easy to get distracted.

“I was too busy thinking about how beautiful you are.”

A deep blush rose into Ava’s cheeks at the compliment. 

“Very smooth.” Ava interrupted herself to give Sara a peck on the cheek. “You’re not off the hook though. I’ll tell you again and this time I want to hear what you think.”

So Ava launched into her spiel about Gary and Sara listened attentively, adoration written all over her face. She would hold on to this moment forever. The year they’d been through was agonizing and elating. The entire spectrum of human emotions was lived through. To be here, on a splintery bench with gelato running over the side of the cup and the slightest hint of tears in Sara’s eyes, was an absolute gift. 

There was nowhere else Sara was meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll leave a proper, long-ass, sappy end note on Tuesday, but I hope you all have enjoyed this journey as much as I. And, as always, thank you


	21. epilogue

**October 2023**

“The party has arrived!” Sara shouted, slinging open the front door with the power of her entire body.

What she expected in response was Ava to call out to her or for Laurel to give recognition or to hear Tommy's voice carrying down the hall. Not complete silence. Not an uninhabited house. Because the house wasn’t uninhabited.

Laurel and Tommy were visiting for the weekend and had arrived earlier in the day. That would usually mean a house filled with conversation, the noises of Ava and company preparing dinner, or anything other than the current suspicious silence, interrupted only by the crackling of the fireplace. Which only served to highlight why someone _should_ be there, because Ava would never leave the fire burning lest she risk the entire place go up in flames. 

Sara made a beeline towards the back door, assuming her family was out in the yard. Practice ran overtime and Sara was eager to be reunited with her favorite people.

It was a chilly autumn evening in Seattle, the air brisk as the temperature dipped below 50°. They’d been living in the Pacific Northwest since January and, still, the weather Sara was once used to now made her freeze. All those years in Atlanta really thinned her blood.

The decision to move from Atlanta to Seattle was an easy one. Sara was offered the same position she turned down two years before; an opportunity to work with a professional soccer team was not one Sara was going to deny twice. There was no way the offer would ever swing her way again.

Ava was ready for the relocation; she was craving something different. Something new. 

So they made the move, swapped almost year-round mosquitoes for freezing winters and rainy days and being just an afternoon’s drive from Laurel. They traded in a home that held them through the worst time of their lives for someplace new: a townhouse outside of city limits with two floors, a beautiful back porch, and a fireplace that had the place glowing in winter.

They filled the home intentionally. Each decorating choice was made together, down to the last photo. Sara’s swords, the ones previously adorning the master bedroom, made the transition too, finding their place above the fireplace mantle. 

Sara stopped in her path towards the backyard to poke at the fire and warm her hands before she went back out into the cold. Movement to Sara’s left caught her eye.

She turned to be met with a beautiful sight through the blinds. Laurel and Ava were doubled over with laughter, guffawing at something unbeknownst to Sara. They sat out on chairs, the fire pit flickering below them. Tommy next came into view, looking mildly disapproved, like he was just the subject of a joke made at his expense. 

Tommy moved behind Ava and tousled her hair in an action completely sibling-like; an action that annoyed Ava to no end. As she shook him off, Ava made eye contact with Sara through the blinds. The most blinding of smiles broke out across her face. It was the smile always reserved for Sara. Not the polite, easy smile she shot the barista or the terse, closed-lip expression Ava wore before gently chastising one of her new music students. 

No, this smile was just for Sara. It was one that came without volition, a smile that rose without thought. It was the smile that came from deep within Ava’s chest and spilled over the top with affection and tenderness and love. 

Ava’s eyes lit up simultaneously, and not just from the fire dancing below her. 

Sara would have been content to remain on that side of the blinds for longer and watch the interactions between her family, but the way Ava was grinning had Sara ready to run into her arms. She moved swiftly to the yard.

“Tommy, get off my love,” Sara scolded, with a laugh to her voice. Tommy threw his hands up in surrender. 

Sara came up behind Ava, still sitting, and pressed a kiss to the top of Ava’s head, before depositing herself in Ava’s lap. Ava made some grumble about personal space and PDA, but it was half hearted. Ava wasn’t really annoyed.

Not when she knew Sara so well, knew her intentions and her habits and the way Sara’s constant need to be touching Ava stemmed from the fact that they once almost lost each other and now they never wanted to miss an opportunity to show their love. Ava could never be annoyed with Sara, not really, not when Ava considered all the ways Sara brought happiness to her life. The way Sara could always ground Ava when worries had her head flying away. The way Sara made Ava giggle like no one else could. How Sara had her throwing caution to the wind in exchange for trusting Sara completely.

Laurel went on to take over the conversation after Sara’s entrance, talking about some case she was working. Tommy took his place by Laurel’s side. 

As Laurel regaled her story, Sara was caught up in nostalgia. Years back, Sara, Ava, Laurel, and Quentin sat around some different fire, roasting marshmallows at a camping trip for her father’s birthday. That was almost seven years back, just six months into Sara and Ava dating for the first time. Sara remembered looking at how the fire highlighted Ava’s face and thought she looked like an angel.

Now, everything was different. Quentin was gone and Sara and Ava were living back in Washington and Tommy was in the picture, engaged to Laurel. Despite the way things changed, Sara didn’t think they could be more perfect.

At least twice a year, Sara and Ava took an hours long flight to Atlanta to visit their friends. They met with the people who were their family and who they couldn’t live without. Zari and Amaya recently discussed moving to Star City to be closer. Ray and Nora proposed the same.

Even with the distance, the friends remained close. They had biweekly video calls and group chats that Gary always monopolized and they never failed to keep each other updated. Although living so far from Atlanta separated Sara and Ava from the people they knew and loved, it brought them closer to Laurel.

Ava and Laurel were practically joined at the hip. Sometimes Sara joked Laurel was stealing her woman and Ava was stealing her sister. Her protesting was all false though; there was nothing Sara loved more than the way the two were thick as thieves. 

Being so close to Star City afforded Sara the opportunity to reconnect with friends from childhood. Those who knew her well in the past and welcomed her once again. 

Ava easily adjusted to living in the far north. While Ava loved her position at the symphony, moving was a change of pace. She took up a position teaching music at a small arts high school, essentially swapping professional status with Sara. 

Ava loved it. Working with kids was something she wasn’t sure she was cut out for at the start. Ava always considered herself a little too uptight to be the kind of teacher children would love, but she was caring and gentle, always kept her eyes peeled for which students needed a little extra encouragement and which ones required tough love. Ava understood exactly why Sara felt so bonded with her athletes back in Atlanta.

Sara didn’t just succeed with her new team; she was thriving. Her newest athletes were making huge leaps with Sara’s conditioning plans, and those who were previously injured were recovering at a rapid pace. Sara loved the thrill of the stadium, of working with a professional Major League Soccer team and watching them kick ass. 

The few times a season she had to travel, Sara reveled in the atmosphere. Flights with the team, hotels filled with their boisterous personalities, all of it was exciting and satisfied Sara’s adventure bug, but by the end of the trip Sara was always ready to return home to Ava. Ava was her rock, her entire world, and after everything they’d been through, Sara never wanted to spend long away from her.

Which was why Sara craved these evenings so much. Her sister, her future brother-in-law, and her lady, all in one spot. It was everything Sara needed to be happy. 

Sara wanted to ensure these kinds of nights would continue for the rest of her life. She fiddled with her jacket pocket, the weight of the object within familiar. 

Sara had been thinking about this for weeks. For years, really, but she picked up the new ring weeks ago and had been carrying it around, waiting for the perfect moment. It was hard to pick one, when almost every second with Ava was flawless. But this felt perfect. Sara, draped across Ava’s lap, Ava and Laurel in a heated debate while Tommy shouted in his perspective; there was no better moment. 

Sara rolled herself off Ava’s lap, much to Ava’s protesting. But then Sara sank down to one knee, and Ava shot up stick-straight. 

“What are you doing, Sara?” Ava managed to choke out, her voice chock full of disbelief. The rest of the world faded to the background as Ava focused on Sara. Sara, who was looking up at Ava from one knee, a small velvet ring box open in her hands. 

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

Ava went to reply, but no words came out. She was paralyzed in place, couldn’t even move, like if she did it would knock the entire course of reality off-kilter and she would find out the past three years had been nothing but a coma-induced dream. This wasn’t happening. There was no way.

“Ava Louise Sharpe-”

“Sara.”

“Will you-”

“Sara, are you serious?”

Sara shot an indignant glare at Ava. “If you’d let me get a word in edgewise.”

Ava took a deep breath, restraining the urge to keep blurting out the thoughts going through her head. The thoughts that were saying this was crazy, but Sara was proposing to her. That Sara was down on one knee and she had selected a classic three stone engagement ring on a white gold band. That Sara, the love of her life, was looking at Ava like she was the only person who mattered in the universe.

“Will you marry me?”

They were practically already married. Actually, they _were_ already married, still married from five years before. They referred to each other as wives again, for ease of explanation, and they both felt it to be more than legally true. Their lives were completely bound together. 

But Sara was asking Ava, again, to marry her. To marry her a second time, because Ava chose her a second time.

Ava was in shock, absolutely blown away. The shock was to blame for Ava saying, “We’re already married, Sara.”

Sara shook her head. “You just can’t help yourself, can you?” Sara joked. 

From the other side of the fire pit, Tommy let out a, “Seriously, Ava?”, while Laurel just chuckled. This reaction wasn’t surprising to Laurel in the slightest. 

Laurel had known about Sara’s plan for weeks, to repropose. To ask Ava for her hand once again. Because even though their entire relationship was built on love and dedication and collaboration, Ava didn’t remember their wedding. No amount of watching the video would give her the experience again, of being Sara’s bride.

Sara was ready to give new vows to Ava. Ones that highlighted the depth of her feelings. The way Sara would do anything for Ava, would always be there for Ava, no matter what situation ever hit them. Sara wanted to affirm her love in front of everyone she knew and cared about.

With the most serious face Ava’d ever seen Sara adorn, Sara asked, “Marry me again?”

In her head, Ava was listing the litany of reasons this was impractical. That a wedding was a lot of money, that their friends had already listened to them give sickeningly sweet vows to each other, that if Sara thought Ava was anal about planning things in their daily life, she should just wait and see what she was like organizing a wedding. (Not that Sara wasn’t already prepared. After all, they’d done this before). 

The rest of her was stuck on the one reason Ava should absolutely marry Sara again and that was how much she loved her. Even though Ava watched the video of their wedding years ago and could practically feel the affection dripping from her, it was nothing compared to the strength of her feelings now. Ava loved Sara more than she thought it was possible for anyone to love anyone. 

Sara was staring with a look only for Ava. One that was soft and warm and bursting at the seams with adoration for every aspect of the woman in front of her. Sara tilted her head in a silent question. _Well?_

With tears threatening to fall over the brim, Ava gave her answer. The proudest answer she'd ever given in her entire life.

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a ride it has been, my friends! I want to give all the thanks in the world to anyone who has read/liked/kudosed/subscribed to/commented on this fic. I definitely didn't imagine any sort of response like this when I started writing at the beginning of summer and I couldn’t ask for anything more for my first attempt of writing anything of substantial length (for real, the number of you who got that update email right into your inbox two times a week blows me away)
> 
> Legit never knew I had it in me to write this many words, let alone in a few months. Special thanks to those who encouraged me and screamed at me during the process because that kept my motivation so high. I learned a ton about myself and my writing process and my ability to self-edit throughout this and I highkey can’t wait to be churning out more in the future
> 
> Sending good vibes to y’all on this wonderful Tuesday. I hope this ending was as sweet as you imagined and as our girls deserve 💖💖💖

**Author's Note:**

> @justpalsbeingals on tumblr
> 
> i'm sure i'll be updating this relatively often (as often as school allows) cause man do I have ideas about this. give me a shout or comment if you're feeling this cause I am 💖


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